Monday, April 29, 2019

Hanging on by a Thread

In my last post I told you all that I've been looking at options to end my life, because honestly, my pain is too much to bear, it's untreatable, and as I get older it will only get worse because of normal aging. Add into that things like the requirements to just maintain my life as it is mean that I can't compromise on things people often have to compromise about in normal healthy relationships, so I'm looking at most likely being single for the rest of whatever life I have left. With all of the people who love me telling me that I could never really have a service dog again because I didn't have the health to take care of them, and my doctor telling me the best I could hope for was things wouldn't get worse (but who are we kidding, life always get worse), things all seemed pretty damned hopeless.

And then I was thrown a thread...

I've often been told that given any excuse to fight I will, and I've always taken that as a criticism. But as it turns out it's really a strength (and if I'm honest more than a little of a burden). When everyone else has given up and gone home I'm still there beating my head against a wall trying to find a way to make the impossible possible. I solve the unsolvable and I can't not do it because something in the way my brain works won't let me put whatever it is down until I have an answer. But sometimes, there is no answer...or I think there's no answer.

And there's where I was about moving forward with my life. If there is no hope, there is no moving forward. Maybe hope is the wrong word. I've heard others call it different things, but at the end of the day it's the desire that keeps us wanting to live and not just exist. I just didn't have it anymore and for someone who will fight tooth and nail with her very last breath that's a very big deal. But without anything to fight for or with, I was fucked to put it politely.

But a friend gave me a gift. She reminded me that the world is bigger and more diverse and complex than any of us of even imagine. That if the option given to me by friends and doctors won't work for me, then I need to make up my own. If I can't think of my own, then ask strangers what they would do.

It takes courage and energy and strength, things I have in very limited supply these days. But there might be a way to get my life moving forward again. It's not pretty and many of the people who have loved me will not appreciate the things I have to do to make it work. But if this is the price for me being able to have the life I've always wanted but never dreamed I could actually have, so be it.

My pain is still unbearable, and there is still no way to treat it let alone make it go away. So at the end of the day maybe nothing will actually change and I'll decide the pain is too much. But before then, I'm going to fight. I'm going to spread my story far and wide and make sure others know there are options even when it seems like there isn't. I'm going to do my best to help anyone and everyone I can. And when I die, I will leave the world just a tiny bit better than I left it.

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