Sunday, March 24, 2019

What to do, what to do...

I'm trying to do the things my doctor has asked of me, but what he seems to forget is he doesn't have to do them. In fact, he has no idea what my experiences have been like for me because I have worked very hard to over come a life of abuse, rape, and neglect. I've been damned successful too! But now I'm exhausted. I have fought long and hard to have a good life, with a beautiful home, amazing supportive friends, and the safety and happiness I was denied growing up. I've had them all.

...and then life happened.

It wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong. It's just one of the things that happens to people in life. I got into an abusive relationship. It destroyed me. Systematically my ex stole everything I had worked so hard for over the 40 years I've been alive. Once I got away, I was left with nothing and had to start building my life back up all over again. Because life is what it is, no one can do it for me, so I also have to do it alone...again.

And honestly, I just don't want to.

No, it's more than I just don't want to. I'm sick, and there's no way to make me better. Things like the abusive relationship will only make me worse, and because things like that just happen in life, I will keep having horrible things happen that will keep making me more sick. I'm exhausted from being sick and fighting my illnesses just so I can keep getting more sick.

There will never be Healthy for me. The best I can hope for is not worse, and as I said above, that's not going to happen either.

So my doctor wants me to go to trauma counseling, and he wants me to try ECT, and we've been looking into getting me into studies that are using LSD and ketamine to treat PTSD, and my nurse (yes I have a personal nurse I've gotten so sick) wants to try a treatment for myalgic encephalomyelitis that we have no idea if it will work, and I can't afford to replace my service dog, but even if I could I'm being told that I shouldn't get a new one because my health is bad enough that I can't take care of them (the only thing that has been effective at treating any of my illnesses)...

Or I could just give up. I could take the next year to tell the people who have loved and supported me all this time that they mean the world to me. I could get all my affairs in order so my family can't come into my life and make it a mess after I'm not around to protect the people who are my real family. I can enjoy what little my illnesses will let me, and come winter, I'll just take a walk and never come back.

Wouldn't that be better for everyone in the end? No more fight an unwinable war. No more exhaustion. No more fear, anxiety, depression. I could just go to sleep in the snow where it is peaceful and quiet and move on to whatever is next in this Universe.

I don't want to hurt the people I love, but I can't do this anymore. I need a win, and there aren't any left for me here.

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