Sunday, March 24, 2019

What to do, what to do...

I'm trying to do the things my doctor has asked of me, but what he seems to forget is he doesn't have to do them. In fact, he has no idea what my experiences have been like for me because I have worked very hard to over come a life of abuse, rape, and neglect. I've been damned successful too! But now I'm exhausted. I have fought long and hard to have a good life, with a beautiful home, amazing supportive friends, and the safety and happiness I was denied growing up. I've had them all.

...and then life happened.

It wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong. It's just one of the things that happens to people in life. I got into an abusive relationship. It destroyed me. Systematically my ex stole everything I had worked so hard for over the 40 years I've been alive. Once I got away, I was left with nothing and had to start building my life back up all over again. Because life is what it is, no one can do it for me, so I also have to do it alone...again.

And honestly, I just don't want to.

No, it's more than I just don't want to. I'm sick, and there's no way to make me better. Things like the abusive relationship will only make me worse, and because things like that just happen in life, I will keep having horrible things happen that will keep making me more sick. I'm exhausted from being sick and fighting my illnesses just so I can keep getting more sick.

There will never be Healthy for me. The best I can hope for is not worse, and as I said above, that's not going to happen either.

So my doctor wants me to go to trauma counseling, and he wants me to try ECT, and we've been looking into getting me into studies that are using LSD and ketamine to treat PTSD, and my nurse (yes I have a personal nurse I've gotten so sick) wants to try a treatment for myalgic encephalomyelitis that we have no idea if it will work, and I can't afford to replace my service dog, but even if I could I'm being told that I shouldn't get a new one because my health is bad enough that I can't take care of them (the only thing that has been effective at treating any of my illnesses)...

Or I could just give up. I could take the next year to tell the people who have loved and supported me all this time that they mean the world to me. I could get all my affairs in order so my family can't come into my life and make it a mess after I'm not around to protect the people who are my real family. I can enjoy what little my illnesses will let me, and come winter, I'll just take a walk and never come back.

Wouldn't that be better for everyone in the end? No more fight an unwinable war. No more exhaustion. No more fear, anxiety, depression. I could just go to sleep in the snow where it is peaceful and quiet and move on to whatever is next in this Universe.

I don't want to hurt the people I love, but I can't do this anymore. I need a win, and there aren't any left for me here.

Thursday, March 14, 2019

Ignorance is Bliss

I'm smart. Very smart if I'm honest with myself. But what does that even MEAN?!

I can't do calculus in my head. I have no idea when FDR was born even though I grew up in the town where his family summered and my high school was named after the man. My idea of a good read has nothing to do with anyone named Bronte. Electricity terrifies me. Chemistry is a great way for me to blow up a city block if I'm not heavily supervised. Relationships are a mystery I'm perfectly happy to never know the answer to. My cat regularly confuses the hell out of me. MY CAT!

His name is Book and he knows I have no idea what I'm doing.
Can't you just see the judgement?
So what makes me so sure I'm smart? I'm miserable.

I don't just mean depressed (I'm that too), I mean deeply miserable in corners of my soul that most people don't even know exist (lucky them). It's impossible for me to do anything without having a running conversation with myself that sounds something like this...

Outside Me: OMG!! LOOK AT HOW CUTE THOSE KIDS PLAYING ON THE PLAYGROUND ARE!!

Inside Me: You know this land was razed destroying the nesting grounds of a very rare migratory bird after it was stolen from the local natives by developers who are on trial for polluting that lake right over there. 

Outside Me to Inside Me: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING!!!

Inside Me: The kids will probably die before they are 40 because we've ruined everything. 

And this is how every moment of every day of my life has been since I was a little kid. The older I get and the more I learn about the world, the more miserable I get. And the worse part is, I CAN'T GO BACK!! I can't unknow the real horrors of this world once I've seen them, so every time I learn a new horrible thing, Inside Me has more information to throw out as a counter to anything good I might happen across in this world which if you know anything, is in fact a shit show.

And what makes me believe my misery is a sign of my intelligence? My sister.

When we were kids, my sister was the smart one. She was the one who picked up everything like it was as natural as breathing, and I was consistently reminded that if I was just more like her, I wouldn't be such a waste of oxygen. But somewhere along the line, my sister made a decision. I doubt she was aware of having made it, but she did. She decided to stop looking at the truth of the world, and to just live in her little corner of it where it could be whatever she pretended it was. Most people do this, so I don't think it's really a bad choice, but her choice made me realize something about myself. I can't lie, even to myself. And that skill is ESSENTIAL to being happy in this world.

My sister is now completely happily living in a world where her daughter won't be living to the ripe old age of 45 only to died from micro-plastic poisoning but instead will have fat happy grandchildren for her to teach this magic of willful ignorance leading to more happily ignorant adults.

I want to live there too.

But you see, if like me you see the truth of the world, you can't pretend that your consumerism doesn't contribute to the state our planet is in because it does. You can't pretend that the mistakes you make purely because you're human don't sometimes have disastrous effects for those around you and that you are in fact responsible for those effects. It is simply impossible to tell yourself that your cat isn't judging you for not knowing what that Mee-oow means after 5 years of hearing it because you really should have been paying closer attention.

This is my genius. I see the world for what it is and my place in it, and how I have effected my little corner of it and it makes me miserable. At least I can say I've known since I was 11 that this was the way the world would end. Tragically and by our own hands.

At least Book and I agree on that

Saturday, March 2, 2019

20 Questions: Part 2

When people talk about the beginning of their #ChronicIllness journey, they often start with when they were diagnosed. I've done that myself, which often leads people to believe that I didn't get sick until I was an adult and able to do something about the pain I was living with. But the truth is, my journey started when I was 2 years old.

You see that was the first time I was #Raped It wasn't the last time, but that moment was when my #CPTSD started. It is also when the ground work was laid for all the other chronic illnesses I have been diagnosed with since.

In that moment I was taught not to cry when I was in pain. I was taught to never talk about my pain to anyone. I was told that no one would believe me even if I did tell them about my pain (many #Spoonies know this experience all too well). But most importantly I was taught that my pain was meaningless. Rather my pain existed purely for the enjoyment of others.

Nothing that has happened in my adult life has changed these lessons for me. I have found that if I cry when I'm in pain I am dismissed as irrational and exaggerating for attention. I have found that my friends and family start avoiding me when I again start talking about the pain that I live with day and night year round without break or improvement for 40 years. I have found that if my doctors can't find "proof" of my pain in their blood tests or images, then my pain isn't real. And since there is no proof of my pain, clearly it is causing no harm to me, and I should just ignore it so I can get on with my life.

So here I am, 40 years into my journey with no energy to keep moving forward and the world telling me I have so much more to live for when they refuse to sit even for a moment with the pain I can never walk away from. Maybe if they knew how little else there is in my life, how long my journey has been so far, how all consuming my pain is, maybe they would have more compassion for my eagerness to see my journey end.