Monday, August 13, 2018

The Plan

You know how everyone in your life tries to make you have a plan for the full 80-some years of your total life by the time you're 15? Yeah, that. And don't give in! Tell them you have no idea and you have no intention of planning for things you couldn't in any way predict.

This is why:

From left to right: Dad, Gram (my name sake), Trixie, Me, Soon to be Chrissy, and Mom. I'm about 4 in this picture and already knew far too much about how the world worked
By the time I left high school, I had every detail of my life worked out to the moment. I knew the degree programs I was going to study (wrong), when I was going to graduate (nope), what my career was going to be (not even close), who I was going to marry (could not have been more wrong if I tried), where we would honeymoon (hiking the ADK, which is another way off from reality thing in my life), when we would buy our first home (never happened), when we would have our first baby (I can't even have kids), what vacations we would go on (I can count on one hand the number of times I've been out of the tri-state region), I was going to be strong and healthy all my life just like my dad (not even touching this one for so many reasons), eat right and workout everyday (STOP LAUGING!)... in short, I had a very solid plan for my life.

Life was good
And then, life happened

There was no single thing, or some cosmic event. Life just was life, and piece by piece, all of the people, ideas, hope, expectations, and yes, plans, were stripped away until there was nothing left of who I thought I was, and what I thought life would be like for me.

That's not to say it was all bad. But I did feel like I had lost something in the process. Some part of me that felt as if it was all of me.

Over the years I'm realizing that some of the reason I have felt like I was completely broken is because in comparison to the person I had planned on being, I am. But even there I'm saying that it's not actually me, just the planned out me. The person that I was beaten into creating so those around me felt like I was doing something important with my life and not just "wasting" it. No one ever bothered (including me) to find out if that's who I really was. If that's what would really be best for me.

I mean, it certainly didn't look like me in my life anymore
So here I am again, looking at the shattered pieces of the life I was trying to squeeze myself into (and being more successful than I care to admit), and wondering what the ever loving fuck I did wrong.

I think the answer is I gave up too easily on me.

Which is sad, because I think I might be a pretty ok person if a little upside down
Whelp, so now what?

In the most fucked up twist, another plan. But this time, my plan, my way, in my time, with lots of room for wrong turns.

Which is good since I expect I'll make a lot of them.
My idea is to take a road trip for as long and as far as I can. I want to actually experience all the things I've read about. I want to hug the people who have loved and supported me through so much with my own physical arms. I want to go to that place that I saw a picture of that one time and it just looked SO amazing. I want to hide in the woods and scream at a concert and cry at the wonder of it all. I want to feel like I'm doing more than just existing so I'm not dead.

I've wanted to do something like this my whole life, but for millions of excuses, I never have. Now, I have no excuses, only speed bumps. The plan is how to get over them.

1) I have to increase my available monthly income. To that end, I have found a job that I have reason to believe won't make my life worse. The hours are when I can as long as I meet the deadline. The actual work is something I already do for free. All I need to do the job are things I already have and actively use. I think this will be a success. If I'm correct, it will let me pay debts off that consume a large portion of my current monthly income. The combination should give me enough to...

2) Buy a home on wheels. I've been looking at used RVs for years now, and I think if I'm careful, I can buy one for about what my last car cost me. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I can afford to buy one and pay rent, so I think I'll have to find someplace to park it for at least a year so I can...

3) Start even a small savings account for those "OHGOD! WTF NOW?!" situations. I also will need time to learn what repairs I can do on my own and what ones will need pros. Figure out how I can see doctors, and other professionals when I need to. Get an idea of how I'm going to eat on the trip. WTF am I going to do with Book?! (he's coming with me if I can help it) It couldn't hurt to spend some time making sure I've kicked some of the bugs out of my plan before I'm in Hell's Canyon with no help and no way to get help. Speaking of...

4) Having a vague idea of where I want to go, and in what order I'm going to go there, would help people I want to see plan for my visit, and make getting help easier if I ever need it. Also, it's probably a good safety measure having people know where I am and when. With that in mind...

5) How do I want to keep in touch with everyone? I'm crap with phone calls when I'm not trying to drive, so that's not happening. Texting will be just flat out dangerous. How do I feel about a vlog? What would I need to do one? How much time would I have to spend editing? If that's not an option, could I keep up my blog well enough for people to keep track of me that way? (going by my track record, no) And even though I won't use it to make calls often, I will need my cell for other things, so who should I sign up with for my phone and data? 

I really need to get things worked out before I leave.

As much as I would love to pretend not having my girl's isn't going to effect my plan, it's already had a dramatic effect on my life, and Kaylee has only been gone a few days. They have been my most consistent partners, and after 14 years, I really don't know how to function without them. I need to figure out how to address this, or the plan will be over before I even start.

It has been horrible not having them to watch over me

The moral to my story? It's only over when you give up.

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