A few months back now, while out on a date, I saw my ex-husband. He seemed to stare at me at the time, but I realize now that he probably just couldn't remember where he knew me from. Which is for the best.
You see, we ended badly. We didn't have to, but we both were very hurt and angry, and in my case, more than a little scared. So we did what people do in those situations, we lashed out at the people we loved most. We both did our share of damage.
That was ten years ago. Since then I've been trying to make up for the mistakes I made in that relationship. I knew he would never know how hard I worked to become the type of person I thought he wanted me to be, or how much he influenced the person I was to become, but I believed that it was the right thing to do anyway. I believe I have become the type of person he deserved then...the type of person I was before rape and abuse turned me into a violent scared animal.
I've been thinking about him since I saw him and wondering why the Universe put me there that day to see him. Especially since I was still cutting the hooks the abusive ex had left behind out. I think I've finally figured it out.
I'm sorry David. I know I hurt you, and I know that my illnesses kept me from treating you the way you deserved. I'm still sick, and I will be for the rest of my life, but I'm no longer that person you knew. To be honest, I think you would like me even less now than you did when you left. But I like me more. I finally love me. So I no longer allow people to use and abuse me. I got away from the man that was trying to with my spirit and sanity intact. I have survived things that would have broken lesser people, and have become the type of person that people look to for compassion and support (I know! Me!?! Crazy isn't it!). I hope you got everything from your life that you wanted. You deserve the best and so much more. And while you'll never see this, I hope that in some small way, you feel it.
Thank you for everything you did for me. You helped me create a safe space in my mind to heal from things you never understood. Because of you, I turned a corner and became myself again. I can never repay that gift.
Please be happy and healthy. Please enjoy every moment that you have. Please remember that there wasn't always bitterness and anger. Some parts were good.