Saturday, October 19, 2013

Tick Tick Tick

Thank you to +Kate Savage for sharing this with me and being willing to let me share it with you all. She has shared things that are so painfully true for me, I honestly thought when she wrote this, she was speaking about me. Enjoy: 

I am wary of men who tell me they love me. The phrase consistently creeps up before I'm ready for it. My instinct is to refute it immediately. Hearing it has always meant there’s a timer out of sight somewhere, ticking down the final moments of the relationship. I've broken clocks before, but I still don't know how to stop time. 

There are things I need you to know before you say you love me. I want you to have all of the facts before you say something you don’t mean, and I'm left with one more person to miss. 

You will get sick of me. You will get tired of my need for space while I desire to be touched constantly. When I'm having a bad day, the last thing I want is someone in my face telling me everything is going to be all right. I am more apt to punch you than I am to concede. I need to cry sometimes but most times I will not do it in front of you. When I'm sad, it’s unlikely that I'll initiate telling you about it, I am not going to need you at these moment, I need to be alone. Some people need to be needed all the time by their significant other, and looking at my track record, I may in fact be one of those people, but I am not going to need you. I had a life of my own without you. I will put you in my life because I want you there, not because I need someone to complete it. You will have much of my attention, you will be one of my top priorities, but not the only one, and not all of the time. I don't ever do anything I don't absolutely want to do. I’m infuriatingly stubborn about some things. It takes a lot to make me angry but when I do get angry, good luck escaping. I am bad at talking about my feelings in a way that will spare yours. I don't forgive easily, and I don't forget disappointments. 

The thing is, I like me. This is not about a lack of self worth because I know that I have a lot of good things happening here. There are things you will probably like about me. Despite how cynical I am I really do have this ridiculous, big, empathetic heart. I'm smart, I've got a quick wit, I can dish it out as well as I can take it. I'll rarely turn you down for sex. I'm a good listener and an amazing friend and if you're in my life there is absolutely nothing I won't do for you. You can trust me with your secrets. You can trust me to take care of your plants when you go out of town. I'm apparently really funny to argue with. I don't take shit from anyone. I will be your biggest cheerleader and I will always comfort you when you fall. I will tell you when I think you're being a jerk, but I'll do it with a smile. I will be kind to your family and love your pet and try to get along with your friends. I will listen to your band and read your book and go to your play or your gallery open or your party (even though I hate them). I will support you always and I will want you to be happy. I will love you!!! 

But you? Any time someone says "I love you", I want to know their bottom line. I can't help thinking, “Of course you do. You only see what I show you and I'm very good at showing off my good traits.” It takes time to truly learn someone. You may think you love me in the beginning, but I will always be eyeing the clock and wondering how long it will be until you decide that you don't any more.

Know Thy Self

I was going to write about how much I miss you. How much I've wanted you here with me because of the crappy things that are going on in my life again, but I know I can't have you not only because you don't want me (which I have to work very hard to make myself believe, because this connection can only be maintained if there is two people doing it), but because I'm not good enough for you (which my friends would hurt me for just thinking).

I was going to go into the details of what my PTSD soaked brain has been doing to me because of a stupid allergic reaction... something I've never had in my life... and how this makes me know I'm not ready to have a partner of any kind, let alone the love of my life (neither of which is true because what I'm currently going through is completely a reaction to the steroids and not who I am).

I was going to say yet again how much this was better for both of us because you have your happy little family (which is what you really want, right?), and I have my dog (which is what I really want, or at least that's what I keep saying), and neither of us has to be unhappy together making compromises we don't want to make just to keep the other around (which no one really wants if they were all honest).

But just like so many other things in my life, they are lies.

The truth is I'm a chicken shit.

If I was honest about it, I use the PTSD and Fibromyalgia as excuses to keep everyone at arms length so I don't have to hurt anymore than I already do. But most especially you. Honestly, I don't want you to know that I feel this way about you, because if you did, I might have to do something about it... or you might... either way, more pain I don't want to deal with. And Goddess forbid if you felt the same way!! Then I would really be fucked because I'd have no more excuses. I don't want you to see me this way because I'm ashamed of who I am. I don't want you to know the things I have had to do just to survive.

So here's my truth. I love you. I always have. You were my first love, and I want you to be my last. I left you because it was the right thing to do, and I still believe that. We needed to grow up. To find out who we were without each other before we could form a life together. I just never in my wildest dreams imagined we wouldn't come back to each other. I pushed you out again because I didn't want to destroy what you already have... because I want you too much, and while I have been the mistress for other men, I couldn't be yours. But not a day has passed in almost 2 decades that I haven't thought of you, not even my wedding day. My life is a well ordered mess most days, and while I try hard to pretend that no one could ever fit into it, I think there is at least one person. I'm in so many ways the same scared little girl you had the courage to ask out all those years ago. The only real differences are, I've gotten better at hiding it most of the time, and for the very few who know this, it's obvious.

This is the most open I've been about anything in a long time. The most vulnerable. And while you'll never see it, maybe the Universe will, and will set me on the path to someone who can feel these things with me. Maybe help me realize that you aren't the only one in the World for me... or that you are... and how we can be together.