Saturday, June 1, 2013

Success... Or Something Like It

Back in April after two and a half years at Tree of Life the owner suddenly came up in the middle of the shift and told me he was firing me... just like that.

Except it wasn't that sudden. It had become clear that the work I did for the office was no longer appreciated about 9 months earlier, and I had been looking for other work since then. But working for them was burning me out so much I was just coming home, going to bed, and getting up the next day to do it over again most of the time. I just wasn't happy there and they weren't happy having me there. Firing me meant I could collect unemployment, so it some ways this was the kindest thing he could have done for me... even if the way he did it could have used some work. But that didn't stop me from panicking for a few days and wondering what the hell I was going to do to pay the rent.

Then I suddenly met Shammi.

It was the strangest and happiest accident I've had in a long time. Serendipity is the only word to describe what happened. Shammi took me under her wing and not only told me everything was going to be ok, she proved it to me by holding my hand while she made all of my disabilities non issues in my job search by showing me how she would be getting me accommodations for them, set me up with classes that would help push me several rungs up the employment ladder so I'll be doubling my pay grade in the first job I take and within five years moving to the top, told me that I was looking for jobs well below my abilities and more importantly made me believe it so I started looking for better, and then connected me to people who could help me get the jobs that I'm most suited for. In short, she has taken everything I thought to be true about my life, everything I've come to believe was fact, and made it clear that I was dead wrong.

I was ecstatic! I was elated!

I am terrified.

Everything I knew to be true was is a lie! I could can do more. I could can have the life I always wanted. I could can use the skills I had worked so hard to acquire in jobs where they would be used (even if they wouldn't be anymore appreciated). And because I can, I now feel that I have an obligation not only to Shammi who is working so hard to help me, but to myself because this was my dream. But I still don't trust all of this new found support. It's not only too good to be true, but what makes me so special that I've become the beneficiary? If I haven't done anything to deserve this, then doesn't that mean this can all be taken away from me at any moment?

Honestly though, what all of these questions and fears come down to are I'm comfortable. I got used to the idea that this was my life and I was never going to be able to take care of my health the way I should, or buy new clothes when I need, or replace things around my house if they break. I accepted that I was going to have to be very auster about everything in my life. I learned to be happy. I learned that I don't have a bad life, in fact I had a very good life. 

It just wasn't the life I had dreamed of when laying next to him in the leaves thinking about what our lives together would be like.

Now that I can have it, I'm terrified.

So here I am, standing outside of my box looking back at it with every part of me screaming for me to climb back inside where it's safe and I know how to live my life, wishing with every part of my being I was the type of person who knew how to give up so I could do just that, praying every day to the Universe that I really am as amazing as it seems to think I am so that never becomes a serious option. Maybe in time, the box will catch up with me, and all of this will stop feeling like the end of the World, and start feeling like a new life.

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