Sunday, March 17, 2013


Is it bad that I kind of just want to hide in here with you guys all day? I'm watching my stream go by and it's all so overwhelming. I have so many intelligent and creative and well spoken people in my circles... some times it feels like they never have a bad day and never have a hard time expressing themselves and never look at the world and think fuck it, lets just blow it all up and start over. They are so much better at everything than I am.

Yesterday, I was told I should write a book. This time by my doctor and about how I trained Mya to be a service dog for my fibro. He seemed really surprised and impressed that I was able to train a husky to pull just the right amount to help me with my stability, but not so much that she pulls me over. The thing is, I don't think I could articulate what happen because with both of my dogs they seemed to train themselves. I just don't have the back ground with dogs to have trained, or to teach others how to train their dogs. Add to that the fact that I can't write to save my life and you have the worst idea on the planet.

My housemate has been in the hospital for the last week, and while I should feel horrible because she is in pain and she might have to have surgery, I'm just happy that while I'm in so much pain I can't think straight, I don't have to be running around cleaning up after her every time she comes back from her boyfriends, while also having to go to work and take care of the every day things that just feel like they are killing me right now. Of course, her mother came to town and is staying here for the weekend, so I have to play good host to her, which means I can't even rest on my weekend off. Thank Goddess I'm such a neat freak that the house is already mostly clean.

Monday starts the class I have to take for this program that is helping me buy my house. It's right after work and it means I'm going to have a 17 hour day every Monday for 7 weeks. I already want to die most days by the end of my work day, so this should be interesting. One day when I realized a friend was coming over for a dinner I had already cooked, all I had to do was warm it up, I cried... not the way you should feel about having your friends over.

I'm far more disappointed about not being able to get the money and a friend to go to Cancun than I've told most people. I really just wanted to get away from my living hell so badly that I got my heart set on doing that. When no one showed any real interest... and it's not even that... when no one was willing to make the types of sacrifices I was willing to make to do it, I was hurt. It's stupid, I know. Everyone has their own stuff going on and I have no idea what their priorities are, but still... it hurt.

The one drug that I have found that really works on all of the things wrong with me is pot. It's illegal in NY. But there is a medical version, Marinol that my doctor is willing to give me and I'm willing to try, is not covered by my insurance. Which means I'd have to pay more than two weeks pay just to try it for the first month, and if it works, or if I need a higher dose, pay more the next month. I just can't do that! Why is it that the things that work are always the things that society wants to make inaccessible... don't answer that, I know the answer... $

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