Saturday, March 9, 2013

Life

I just realized, that one of the problems I'm having with my situation right now is that I've lost the will to live. I know it sounds horrible to put it that way, but it is the truest way of putting it. These days, I get up , go to work, come home, eat, go to sleep, and it's as if I'm not a part of any of it. I'm just going through the motions because that's what expected of me.

I want to feel the pain and joy and fear and comfort and elation and frustration and uncertainty of life again.

I don't know when or how it happened, but some how, life became a chore I do every day as quickly as I can, just so I can get to sleep and forget about it.

And it seems to me, that it is this, more than anything else, that the Universe is asking me to change. It's not about houses, or neighbors, or dating, or jobs... it's about me reclaiming my life and feeling it as I once did, with my whole soul and not just the outside of it.

But the question becomes, how do I do that?

I'm terrified of everything right now. I'm scared to walk out my front door most of the time. And something like taking my soul back is going to require a big change on my part. A big change that I'm going to have to make alone.

But then, I guess we are all alone when we have to make a big change.

So, do I wait for the dust to settle from buying my house? Is buying my house going to help me make this big change? Is there anything I can do before then that might help me make this change easier?

Can change be made easier?

All questions I know I need answers to, and I guess the only way to get then is to start taking steps. See what works and what doesn't. It's all going to feel uncomfortable for a while, but, maybe, it will help me dust my soul off.

I think I'm going to start with getting back to the woods. They used to refresh my soul and I gave them up after David left. It was like I was punishing myself for not being able to keep someone who didn't want to be kept... or maybe, because the woods belonged to a different time and place in my life... a place where he was... and I was scared of having them without him.

I wonder if that's how he felt... I wonder if he hated me like that... I wonder if there a sacred things he has kept.

Anyway, I need to start small and not too scary, so maybe we can just check out the trails across the way some Saturday. The weather is getting warmer and it's the perfect time to use my hiking boots for their real purpose.


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