Thursday, March 14, 2013

Learning

About Being Broken

I've learned that it isn't as bad as I... society... my family... anyone has made it out to be. In some ways it is truly great. It gives me the ability to sense things about others that people who haven't had my life don't. It has taught me to never take things at face value, so I rarely have buyers remorse or find I'm in too deep in a situation I didn't want to be in. I am organized and sensitive and bold in ways that often surprise even me.

All because I am Broken

About Being Healthy

I've learned that being healthy isn't what I thought it was. It's not even what I was told it was. It's something completely different entirely! It wasn't about stopping being terrified of everything or getting over my need to control my environment, it was about taking those thing and using them to some good in my life. Those things had been amazingly useful tools for me for a long time, and I kept trying to throw them away thinking it was unhealthy to keep them since I was no longer in the situations that caused me to need them. But the truth is, I still need them! Just not in the ways I was using them.

I used the example of fixing a car with a friend once, one that you are remodeling. You have to get into it and start pulling parts out and putting parts in, seeing what still works and what doesn't, but you don't just gut the thing and throw it all away just because the car doesn't run. You also don't expect the car to run properly after replacing one part... or a dozen parts! You keep tinkering with it for years to come, because there will always be something that needs work.

That is Health

About Being Me

I don't know who I am. No, really! I have no idea who I am. I could give you some list of words that would make you feel comfortable about being around me because you need to have those words, but they aren't me. I am some amorphous thing that changes so much with every passing moment, with every new thing that I learn and absorb that I just can't limit myself to those comfortable words that you want from me. And here's the thing. SO ARE YOU! We change to spite best efforts not to. It happens without will or consent. For better or worst, I am not who you think I am.

That is Life


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