Thursday, March 28, 2013

Who Am I

I found this image on Pinterest and it made me think... what did I do as a child?

The first thing that came to mind was I was raped. But that wasn't something I did, that was something that was done to me... still, it's telling. The next thing I think of is I spent my time protecting my sister. She didn't know it and my mother likes to pretend I spent my time destroying my sister's life, but that's not how it was. 

But again, it's not really an answer to the real question that was asked, which is, what did I do that made the hours pass like minutes?

The real answer is I learned. I sucked up information like it was oxygen. I couldn't get enough of it. It was like I was starved for the stuff. I literally hurt when I couldn't get more information, not because I had any use for it per se, but because I needed to know!

The result was I trained myself to absorb information faster than anyone I knew around me. I looked like a genius. It made me stand out. I looked different... extraordinary even. I looked like a freak and more than once I was told so.

It was made clear to me that I was too dumb to know what I did. That I couldn't possibly be able to do the things that I was doing. I was informed in no uncertain terms that I was incapable of achieving the mental feats that I had achieved... I just wasn't smart enough.

So I stopped learning. I don't know when and I don't remember how, but I made myself stop. Not completely, I don't think I'm capable of stopping completely, but mostly. I've gone out of my way to dumb myself down so I can be more "normal" and stop making the people around me so uncomfortable. I hold my tongue when I used to speak up, I watch TV when I used to read, I hide at home when I used to go out seeking the unknown.

I've put my light under a basket.

And now I find myself wondering, what could I do if I took that basket off?

The last time I made a change like this, I lost everyone I knew and loved because I made such a big change. I found people better for me, but the transition was painfully hard. I'm not sure I'm up for that again... but am I really willing to keep living a half life? Am I willing to keep pretending I'm someone less than extraordinary?

Sunday, March 17, 2013

You Know

The truth is, you already know what you Should do and what you Want to do. That is never the real question. The real question is always, which of those two is the one you are going to place more importance on. Because that tells you if you place more importance on following what you have been taught is your path verses the path the Universe has laid out for you.


Is it bad that I kind of just want to hide in here with you guys all day? I'm watching my stream go by and it's all so overwhelming. I have so many intelligent and creative and well spoken people in my circles... some times it feels like they never have a bad day and never have a hard time expressing themselves and never look at the world and think fuck it, lets just blow it all up and start over. They are so much better at everything than I am.

Yesterday, I was told I should write a book. This time by my doctor and about how I trained Mya to be a service dog for my fibro. He seemed really surprised and impressed that I was able to train a husky to pull just the right amount to help me with my stability, but not so much that she pulls me over. The thing is, I don't think I could articulate what happen because with both of my dogs they seemed to train themselves. I just don't have the back ground with dogs to have trained, or to teach others how to train their dogs. Add to that the fact that I can't write to save my life and you have the worst idea on the planet.

My housemate has been in the hospital for the last week, and while I should feel horrible because she is in pain and she might have to have surgery, I'm just happy that while I'm in so much pain I can't think straight, I don't have to be running around cleaning up after her every time she comes back from her boyfriends, while also having to go to work and take care of the every day things that just feel like they are killing me right now. Of course, her mother came to town and is staying here for the weekend, so I have to play good host to her, which means I can't even rest on my weekend off. Thank Goddess I'm such a neat freak that the house is already mostly clean.

Monday starts the class I have to take for this program that is helping me buy my house. It's right after work and it means I'm going to have a 17 hour day every Monday for 7 weeks. I already want to die most days by the end of my work day, so this should be interesting. One day when I realized a friend was coming over for a dinner I had already cooked, all I had to do was warm it up, I cried... not the way you should feel about having your friends over.

I'm far more disappointed about not being able to get the money and a friend to go to Cancun than I've told most people. I really just wanted to get away from my living hell so badly that I got my heart set on doing that. When no one showed any real interest... and it's not even that... when no one was willing to make the types of sacrifices I was willing to make to do it, I was hurt. It's stupid, I know. Everyone has their own stuff going on and I have no idea what their priorities are, but still... it hurt.

The one drug that I have found that really works on all of the things wrong with me is pot. It's illegal in NY. But there is a medical version, Marinol that my doctor is willing to give me and I'm willing to try, is not covered by my insurance. Which means I'd have to pay more than two weeks pay just to try it for the first month, and if it works, or if I need a higher dose, pay more the next month. I just can't do that! Why is it that the things that work are always the things that society wants to make inaccessible... don't answer that, I know the answer... $

Thursday, March 14, 2013


About Being Broken

I've learned that it isn't as bad as I... society... my family... anyone has made it out to be. In some ways it is truly great. It gives me the ability to sense things about others that people who haven't had my life don't. It has taught me to never take things at face value, so I rarely have buyers remorse or find I'm in too deep in a situation I didn't want to be in. I am organized and sensitive and bold in ways that often surprise even me.

All because I am Broken

About Being Healthy

I've learned that being healthy isn't what I thought it was. It's not even what I was told it was. It's something completely different entirely! It wasn't about stopping being terrified of everything or getting over my need to control my environment, it was about taking those thing and using them to some good in my life. Those things had been amazingly useful tools for me for a long time, and I kept trying to throw them away thinking it was unhealthy to keep them since I was no longer in the situations that caused me to need them. But the truth is, I still need them! Just not in the ways I was using them.

I used the example of fixing a car with a friend once, one that you are remodeling. You have to get into it and start pulling parts out and putting parts in, seeing what still works and what doesn't, but you don't just gut the thing and throw it all away just because the car doesn't run. You also don't expect the car to run properly after replacing one part... or a dozen parts! You keep tinkering with it for years to come, because there will always be something that needs work.

That is Health

About Being Me

I don't know who I am. No, really! I have no idea who I am. I could give you some list of words that would make you feel comfortable about being around me because you need to have those words, but they aren't me. I am some amorphous thing that changes so much with every passing moment, with every new thing that I learn and absorb that I just can't limit myself to those comfortable words that you want from me. And here's the thing. SO ARE YOU! We change to spite best efforts not to. It happens without will or consent. For better or worst, I am not who you think I am.

That is Life

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

My Power

I sometimes... well... often forget that I am a very powerful force in my life. That I am able to change the course of it with just my thoughts.

Recently, my thoughts have been very morose and that has been effecting my world in very negative ways. I have forgotten that I can pull myself out of this pit, but it is very hard work and I have to want it more than I want to be comfortable. Especially when I have so many people telling me that I shouldn't be fighting the overwhelming weight that seems to pull me down with every step I take. That instead, I should do whatever makes me feel most comfortable.

Because it is comfortable to let the depression take over and rule my life. To just give in to it and lay in bed for days and weeks on end. And it literally hurts to get out of bed and go for a hike or meet up with friends for coffee, to go to work when I'm in screaming pain or to walk the dog after that.

The people at talk about this in their article 6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You A Better Person. They also talk about why it is so harmful for me to let myself do that and why it is in my best interest to fight that with every fiber of my being no matter what I've heard about just letting myself feel what I'm feeling and be who I am.

It's not that I'm a bad person in any way, or that the things that I'm doing are wrong or bad. It's that they are inhibiting me from having the type of life I want to have. If I want to have the amazing relationship, the beautiful home, the great friends, the wonderful job, I can not get them by doing the same things that got me to the place I am now. I have to do different things. But not just different things, things that are useful to the people and the world around me.

As it turns out, when I thought about it, I do have a number of skills that are of great use to the outside world. I just have never figured out how to really make use of them. For example, I'm one of the most organized people I know, and I have a great feel for people and what they need (even if it isn't always what they want), I could put those things together to become a Life Coach... or, I love working with and learning about social media, I could use that to help businesses in the area get their presence more known on the internet... and that's just the stuff I came up with off the top of my head for jobs!

There is the harsh truth of my life that I do have physical limitations, but I have started to wonder how often I use that as an excuse because I'm scared to push harder to get out of where I am. The only way to know is to try.

So, in a couple of weeks Puppy and I are going with a friend to our first dog sled pull. We have never done such a thing before and I have to admit I'm a bit nervous, but I think it will be interesting to see how Puppy does and more importantly, how I do.

Wish us luck!

Saturday, March 9, 2013


I just realized, that one of the problems I'm having with my situation right now is that I've lost the will to live. I know it sounds horrible to put it that way, but it is the truest way of putting it. These days, I get up , go to work, come home, eat, go to sleep, and it's as if I'm not a part of any of it. I'm just going through the motions because that's what expected of me.

I want to feel the pain and joy and fear and comfort and elation and frustration and uncertainty of life again.

I don't know when or how it happened, but some how, life became a chore I do every day as quickly as I can, just so I can get to sleep and forget about it.

And it seems to me, that it is this, more than anything else, that the Universe is asking me to change. It's not about houses, or neighbors, or dating, or jobs... it's about me reclaiming my life and feeling it as I once did, with my whole soul and not just the outside of it.

But the question becomes, how do I do that?

I'm terrified of everything right now. I'm scared to walk out my front door most of the time. And something like taking my soul back is going to require a big change on my part. A big change that I'm going to have to make alone.

But then, I guess we are all alone when we have to make a big change.

So, do I wait for the dust to settle from buying my house? Is buying my house going to help me make this big change? Is there anything I can do before then that might help me make this change easier?

Can change be made easier?

All questions I know I need answers to, and I guess the only way to get then is to start taking steps. See what works and what doesn't. It's all going to feel uncomfortable for a while, but, maybe, it will help me dust my soul off.

I think I'm going to start with getting back to the woods. They used to refresh my soul and I gave them up after David left. It was like I was punishing myself for not being able to keep someone who didn't want to be kept... or maybe, because the woods belonged to a different time and place in my life... a place where he was... and I was scared of having them without him.

I wonder if that's how he felt... I wonder if he hated me like that... I wonder if there a sacred things he has kept.

Anyway, I need to start small and not too scary, so maybe we can just check out the trails across the way some Saturday. The weather is getting warmer and it's the perfect time to use my hiking boots for their real purpose.

Saturday, March 2, 2013


It seems that the Universe is asking me to wait. Wait to have someone in my life who can support me and love me and stand by me come what may. Asking that I keep being strong by myself, with only the support of people who toss me what they have left over when they think of it. Asking that I continue to sleep with the cold comfort that I won't settle for less than I deserve.

Asking me to stay alone.

This makes me so angry! Haven't I worked hard?! Haven't I done all that has been asked of me and more?! Do I really have to have the perfect life before someone else can come into it?! What else am I supposed to do before I can have a partner?! I know I can't ever have him (no matter how much I wish that weren't the case), I get that. But does that mean I have to stay alone forever?!

Or does it mean that I just have to wait.

What does the Universe know that I don't? How do I know when I've waited long enough? Will it be so obvious that I won't be able to miss it?

This is what I'm asking for Universe, I'm asking that you answer some of these questions for me so that I can keep going on... even some that I'm not brave enough to ask. Give me the answers clearly enough that I can hear you (because you know how dumb I can be some times) and I'll do my best to not do stupid things while I'm waiting that just make Life harder... deal?