Friday, January 25, 2013

A Good Day?

Today is one of those days when I don't feel the pain of not having you near quite as acutely.

I don't miss your smile as much or wish for your hand to hold in such a way that I can feel you even though you aren't here and haven't been for years.

I don't hear you laugh in the other room at untold jokes.

I don't turn to you and ask you to get things that you aren't there to get.

I can't smell you or taste you just with a thought.

I don't snuggle back against your ghost.

In fact, I don't think of you at all.

Except to notice that I didn't think of you

... and to wonder...

... was this a good day?

Sunday, January 20, 2013

I need you

I'm going through this really hard thing right now, and as is usual in my life I'm alone. All I want is to have you here to hold me. I think I could hang on then. I could find the strength within myself to keep doing the right thing.

But you aren't here and you never will be again. So I'm giving up.

That isn't your fault. It's mine. I'm just too weak to do this by myself anymore.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Death and Life

So, I just had this comment pass through my Twitter feed Why do people say suicide is selfish? Is having cancer selfish? Mental illness, including depression, is an *illness* and it got me thinking... 

Why do people always assume that if you want to end your own life, you are crazy? Is it really that hard to believe that a person can look at their lives and say the quality of my life is so low I don't want to live it any more or I have lost all of the dignity I deserve to have, I don't want to do this for another day or just I can't stand this pain that I will never recover from anymore

Why is that insane?

Why is it that we are willing to do for our dogs and cats what we are not willing to do for our grandparents and children... give them and easy and peaceful death. At least with humans they can actually say to us, ok, I'm ready

And I get it, maybe (but I'm not sure I agree with this) you don't want to let people who can be treated for things like depression just offing themselves because they have a bad day, but I kind of feel the same way about suicide as I do about abortion... not my body, not my choice.

But if suicide were legal, and we stopped viewing human life as being sacrosanct to the point of being willing to destroy the person just to keep the body, maybe we could start seeing death for what it really is... a natural part of the life cycle that we can not live without. Maybe we could start not just helping the dying in to their deaths, but the living in to the part of their lives without the dead.

Just maybe, we could start to value the wishes of our loved ones over their own lives more than our own desires to not have to let them go.

Thursday, January 3, 2013


Fear is not real. It is a product of thoughts you create. Now don't misunderstand me, danger is very real. But fear is a choice. ~Some random movie trailer I saw yesterday staring Will Smith

When I heard this yesterday it spoke to me, much in the way Pain is inevitable, Suffering is optional does. This simple truth is so hard to hear, and even harder to believe. 

We don't want to believe that our fear is within our control. That we can do something about it and change our responses to situations that we perceive as dangerous. If our fear is outside of our control than we are fully within our rights to behave as badly as we like when we are afraid... after all, we were scared out of our minds. 

But just imagine for a moment the strength... the power that comes from being able to choose when or if you feel the emotion of fear. What could you do in your life if you didn't feel terror when getting on a plane, or freeze in panic just looking at blood. What about the more insidious things like losing your fear of your partner leaving you, or your fear of other peoples expectations on you. 

What could you do if you just weren't afraid?


Every time I hear your name

see it

think it 

I don't know if I want to laugh 
or cry

What I do know is 

I want it to stop effecting me like a force of nature