Monday, December 31, 2012

The New Year

Last year when the new year approached, all I could think about was how much I wanted to see you, talk to you, be with you again. I hated myself for that. I wanted with all of my being to just be over you and to have moved so far past you that you weren't even a thought. I never should have let you back in.

This year, you aren't as constantly on my mind, but I still wish for those things and I still hate myself for missing you so painfully.

I work very hard to focus on what I have to do to buy my house, and what changes I'd like to see in my life in the coming year and how to see them to fruition. Honestly though, they all seem meaningless.

One good thing that happened this year, something that I didn't expect to happen for a long time if ever is I stopped feeling like a failure just because I couldn't make it work with David. I loved him and he is a good man, but it takes two people to make a relationship, and we just weren't in it together.

One thing that hasn't changed is I'm still greeting this new year with more of a sense of dread than joy. My life still feels more like a chore to be done and gotten over with as soon as possible than something to be enjoyed and savored. One day being much like the one before, the only difference being I'm a day older and have a days fewer choices available to me.

I wonder if I would feel differently about it if I had more things end... or start... or just be well or if everyone feels this way no matter what their lives are like.

I'm starting to get terrified by the idea of getting into another relationship... ever. The idea of having someone in my home other than me and puppy just makes my skin crawl (What was said above not withstanding. You I would invite into my home with no thought for the terrible mess it would make of both of our lives and clean it all up later) and the experience of having a housemate has done nothing but reinforce that terror. I'm starting to think, that as much as I have always wanted a family, it just isn't a path I should or am supposed to follow.

But if that's the case, what path am I supposed to follow? I feel lost and stuck and confused. I need someone who knows me and loves me enough to help me figure this stuff out, but that would require having a person like that in my life... and so round the circle goes.

I'm sitting at the brink of another New Year
So much has changed
So much is exactly the same 
I wonder what this year will bring

1 comment:

  1. It gets better, this is year six for me, some of the same feelings remain but at least able to see a new path to follow.