Saturday, December 22, 2012

Moving Forward

I'm cruel.

I'm mean.

I'm evil and thoughtless and cold.

These and far worse are the things that people have said to me when they have come to me looking for me to give them the sicky sweet comforts we all crave when we are in pain.

I simply can't give them.

It's not that I don't understand the craving. I too yearn to have someone else sooth my pains, to take them away even. I get tired of fighting the good fight and putting on a good show for the people who don't want to know about my pains. I find myself seeking out people who will tell me how everything will be ok, how wronged I've been, how I shouldn't have to go through this, but I also find myself getting frustrated by these platitudes and by myself for wanting them.

Because, in the end, platitudes is what they are. These words don't make my situation any better. They don't give me the strength or the courage to keep going through my struggles. In some ways, these confections suck my strength from me because they encourage me to think the World is unfair.

The World is neither fair nor unfair. The World cares nothing for our pains and our trials. These are our own to learn and grow from as we choose to, if we choose to. But when I start to look to the World for the answers to my problems, I have stopped being able to receive them.

Which brings me back to why I just can't bring myself to dole these sweets out to others... no matter how much they may beg for them. I know the harm that they cause. I know that they are a drug that we feed on that only causes suffering.

I know that if we can just feel our pain in the moment, and let ourselves learn from the choices we made to cause it, then we need not suffer. The pain will quickly pass and we will grow into a greater being than we even knew we could be.

So I push myself, I push my friends, I push the people I love, to see the roles they have played in their pain and to feel it, and to let it go. Typing these words, it sounds so easy, but we aren't taught to embrace our pain as a good friend. We're taught to run and hide from it from a very young age. Teaching ourselves to embrace it is a long and hard process. I believe it is worth it though.

So believe that I am cold, thoughtless and evil.

Believe I am mean.

Believe I am cruel.

I know I do this because I love you enough to see you in pain, and to not want you to suffer.