Monday, December 31, 2012

The New Year

Last year when the new year approached, all I could think about was how much I wanted to see you, talk to you, be with you again. I hated myself for that. I wanted with all of my being to just be over you and to have moved so far past you that you weren't even a thought. I never should have let you back in.

This year, you aren't as constantly on my mind, but I still wish for those things and I still hate myself for missing you so painfully.

I work very hard to focus on what I have to do to buy my house, and what changes I'd like to see in my life in the coming year and how to see them to fruition. Honestly though, they all seem meaningless.

One good thing that happened this year, something that I didn't expect to happen for a long time if ever is I stopped feeling like a failure just because I couldn't make it work with David. I loved him and he is a good man, but it takes two people to make a relationship, and we just weren't in it together.

One thing that hasn't changed is I'm still greeting this new year with more of a sense of dread than joy. My life still feels more like a chore to be done and gotten over with as soon as possible than something to be enjoyed and savored. One day being much like the one before, the only difference being I'm a day older and have a days fewer choices available to me.

I wonder if I would feel differently about it if I had more things end... or start... or just be well or if everyone feels this way no matter what their lives are like.

I'm starting to get terrified by the idea of getting into another relationship... ever. The idea of having someone in my home other than me and puppy just makes my skin crawl (What was said above not withstanding. You I would invite into my home with no thought for the terrible mess it would make of both of our lives and clean it all up later) and the experience of having a housemate has done nothing but reinforce that terror. I'm starting to think, that as much as I have always wanted a family, it just isn't a path I should or am supposed to follow.

But if that's the case, what path am I supposed to follow? I feel lost and stuck and confused. I need someone who knows me and loves me enough to help me figure this stuff out, but that would require having a person like that in my life... and so round the circle goes.

I'm sitting at the brink of another New Year
So much has changed
So much is exactly the same 
I wonder what this year will bring

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Moving Forward

I'm cruel.

I'm mean.

I'm evil and thoughtless and cold.

These and far worse are the things that people have said to me when they have come to me looking for me to give them the sicky sweet comforts we all crave when we are in pain.

I simply can't give them.

It's not that I don't understand the craving. I too yearn to have someone else sooth my pains, to take them away even. I get tired of fighting the good fight and putting on a good show for the people who don't want to know about my pains. I find myself seeking out people who will tell me how everything will be ok, how wronged I've been, how I shouldn't have to go through this, but I also find myself getting frustrated by these platitudes and by myself for wanting them.

Because, in the end, platitudes is what they are. These words don't make my situation any better. They don't give me the strength or the courage to keep going through my struggles. In some ways, these confections suck my strength from me because they encourage me to think the World is unfair.

The World is neither fair nor unfair. The World cares nothing for our pains and our trials. These are our own to learn and grow from as we choose to, if we choose to. But when I start to look to the World for the answers to my problems, I have stopped being able to receive them.

Which brings me back to why I just can't bring myself to dole these sweets out to others... no matter how much they may beg for them. I know the harm that they cause. I know that they are a drug that we feed on that only causes suffering.

I know that if we can just feel our pain in the moment, and let ourselves learn from the choices we made to cause it, then we need not suffer. The pain will quickly pass and we will grow into a greater being than we even knew we could be.

So I push myself, I push my friends, I push the people I love, to see the roles they have played in their pain and to feel it, and to let it go. Typing these words, it sounds so easy, but we aren't taught to embrace our pain as a good friend. We're taught to run and hide from it from a very young age. Teaching ourselves to embrace it is a long and hard process. I believe it is worth it though.

So believe that I am cold, thoughtless and evil.

Believe I am mean.

Believe I am cruel.

I know I do this because I love you enough to see you in pain, and to not want you to suffer.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

To Protect and Serve

As some of you know, my neighbor came to my door on Thursday and threatened me. Told me I should just move and she was going to hit me. This is the same woman who smokes so much pot that we can get high in our apartment if we don't leave windows open... which is why she was at my door threatening me. I have reported her to the apartment management for that.

Anyway, I called the police and the apartment management, but it seems that none of them are going to do anything about her behavior.

Why you many ask... because of my disability.

It seems that because I have PTSD I'm not entitled to the same protections as everyone else. It seems that I naturally exaggerate and hold grudges so I can't be trusted to know if someone has said they are going to hit me or not.

She is going to be allow to blast her music and slam her doors at all hours, and threaten me as she wishes because she's stressed out. I on the other hand have to get over it because my "disorder" causes me to needlessly hang on to things.

In fact, according to the police, it would be better if I just got some of my friends to pay for me to move and then I wouldn't have to deal with my neighbor any more... and wouldn't that be better for everyone.

Thanks for letting me know about that Deputy St Angelo of the Tompkins County Sheriffs Department. I'm sure that will make me stop calling you out here to do your job any second now.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Things Unsaid to Dad

Fergus Martin also tackled trying to get my feelings about losing Dad before we had reconciled. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Wandering Words: Always: If I could go back then, I would If I could have that time over I would If I could be with you again, I would You gave me the love tha...

The Rape through another's words

My dear friend Fergus Martin is a Poet. He spent the month of November putting into words other peoples ideas. This was his take on my rape and life after it... I still can't read it without choking on my tears.

Wandering Words: STOP!: It’s simply amazing some of the things that they say Every moment, every minute, every hour, every day “Never look back, look forward” b...


I've been getting reminded over and over again in the last few days how much of life is about the way we look at our world and choose to see the things that are in it. 

I'll be the first to admit that seeing things in a positive light is one of the hardest challenges I ever decided to take on for myself, because most things in life just look like they suck... I mean, what's fun or good or nice about getting up to an alarm at 6 am when you're exhausted, in pain and it's cold outside? And trust me, I am *not* a positive person by nature. I'm pretty sure I was born bitching about something... probably that the trip was too long.

But making that choice has made a big difference for me. It has reduced my stress levels, made me a more pleasant person to be around, and an unexpected thing... my life goes my way more often. I can't explain it, but that's that way it seems. But most importantly to me, I have found peace for the first time in my life. It's a little on the fragile side, but it's there!

And here's the really crazy thing! 

I don't think other people who have known me long term would say they have noticed a difference, because I'm not externally a more positive person. I don't walk around talking about how everything is all sunshine and roses all the time or how life is just perfect if you can just see it that way. Life is still the same fucking cesspool of stupid and crazy that it always was and I expect it always will be.

It doesn't seem to be about suddenly seeing the World through rose colored glasses. It seems to be about just making the effort to see around the mess to the beauty on the other side, even if you don't actually get there.

I mean, sometimes the suckage of life is as plain as the nose on your face, but if you can see the sunrise anyway, maybe it's a little less sucky.