Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Music Soothes The Savage Child

It's funny how music can hold such strong memories

For me, this song brings me back very firmly to the year I was 14. My entire world was in upheaval that year.

My grandfather, the man who had raped me most of my life, died.

I had my first boyfriend that summer. I met Caroline... who introduced me to things that I might have been too young to try.

I started high school that year and my best friend at the time left for another state.

I was starving myself to death... no one noticed.

My parents divorce finalized.

People told me that I should question everything... and I still believed that they meant it.

I made the decision that I was going to leave my broken family behind and become better than the sum of my experiences and started the path that would eventually lead me to Ithaca and some of the best times of my life.

Everything smelled good to me and I loved to feel my body move and to spend unending hours in the woods just to hear the birds sing, the wind blow and feel the river move past me.

I felt horribly alone.

This became my theme song and I would listen to it some times for hours just to pull myself out of the pit of depression I sank into far too often without people ever noticing. Something about it touched my soul... it still does.

The theme song has changed, but music is still the thing that I go to when I need to hear the story of my life from someone else. It's where I go when I need to know that I'm real and that I exist in this world.

1 comment:

  1. After reading this post, a friend had this to say, I'm posting it here without their name because they shared it with me privately, but I want to remember their words when I'm feeling not quiet myself.

    "When we first met, I asked you why your profile mentioned being a survivor, and you said maybe you would tell me some day. I always wondered, but would never pry (I'm not a pryer by nature). I was shocked and am angry that that happened to you. I was shocked because, as horrible as it was, you didn't let it define you, there's absolutely nothing about you that says, "victim"--and that's a real testament to who you are, who you've chosen to be.

    I don't know what else to say, other than that you really are awesome, and I'm very glad we're friends."