Sunday, July 15, 2012

Good Deed Update

If you don't know what my good deed for this year was, check it out here

This is what we took off

and this is what I looked like when we were done

One short month later... and with very little sleep the night before, this is where I am now!

When all the bells and whistles had stopped and all the checks were counted, we raised $5075 to help stop children's cancer. I couldn't have done it without you guys!!


I have this weird daydream. In it I'm laughing and drinking with you and my friends, and the one that is closest to me pulls you to the side and  tells you:

You know she waited for you. She waited for a long time. She wouldn't let anyone else near her for the longest time, hoping that you would come back like you said you would. But she finally did. The things she's been through these last few years have almost killed her, but she has held herself together and become this amazing woman you see today... don't make her go through that again... not alone.

The thing is, I'm not sure you'd care... or even if you did care, that you'd be able to hear what those words mean. 

But either way, it's just a daydream... and how often do dreams come true?

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Just a Day

The past couple of weeks have been very hard. The cancer scare and not knowing what was going on with that and old anniversaries that I can't seem to let go of, have all piled up to drag me down.

Today is the first time, even for a short time, that I feel like myself again. It didn't last long, but for a few moments I laughed just because.

It made me think about how important those small moments are. They keep me on this side of the edge and remind me that things will get better. I find myself looking for them.

Now I'm tired and back to feeling like crap, but knowing that tomorrow I may wake up and have myself back again, helps it not feel so bad.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Music Soothes The Savage Child

It's funny how music can hold such strong memories

For me, this song brings me back very firmly to the year I was 14. My entire world was in upheaval that year.

My grandfather, the man who had raped me most of my life, died.

I had my first boyfriend that summer. I met Caroline... who introduced me to things that I might have been too young to try.

I started high school that year and my best friend at the time left for another state.

I was starving myself to death... no one noticed.

My parents divorce finalized.

People told me that I should question everything... and I still believed that they meant it.

I made the decision that I was going to leave my broken family behind and become better than the sum of my experiences and started the path that would eventually lead me to Ithaca and some of the best times of my life.

Everything smelled good to me and I loved to feel my body move and to spend unending hours in the woods just to hear the birds sing, the wind blow and feel the river move past me.

I felt horribly alone.

This became my theme song and I would listen to it some times for hours just to pull myself out of the pit of depression I sank into far too often without people ever noticing. Something about it touched my soul... it still does.

The theme song has changed, but music is still the thing that I go to when I need to hear the story of my life from someone else. It's where I go when I need to know that I'm real and that I exist in this world.