I have spent all day trying to figure out what I'm supposed to say to
you. I have spent weeks thinking it over and over in my head, knowing
that your birthday was quickly approaching. It took me forever to
realized where I fit in your life and now that I understand that I
don't, everything I have to say seems meaningless.
But, I believe that I should say it anyway.
I love you. For so many years, and in so many ways, you have been
family for me. But you know what my family is like. Full of abusive
people who are hell bent on self destruction... and the destruction of
those that they love. One of the things that you have held my hand for
is learning that I can't have people like that in my life. People who
by just being who they are will tear my life, and the lives of the
people closest to me, to shreds. I don't believe that they mean to,
but I also don't believe they can stop themselves. For that reason,
one by one I have cut those people out of my life. These are the
people that I have given my life for.
For years now, you have been trying to tell me that someone who is
this self destructive is the one and only person for you. The person
that is the center of your world and the only person of any importance
to you. I have been ignoring you. I haven't wanted to hear it because
I hate the idea of you being with someone like that. I know those
people. I know what they do to your life. It has pained me in ways
that I don't know how to explain. But it has never stopped me from
loving you with all of my soul.
So, on your birthday, I am giving you the only gift I have to give. I
don't expect you will see it for the gift that it is, but I pray that
some day you will.
I am going to let you go with all of the love and compassion that I
have in me. I want you to be happy and have the family of your dreams.
May you have many small fat babies and a beautiful home with a huge
yard and laughter every day of your very long life. May your pains be
few and short, may your joys be many and long, and may our paths cross
again should you ever have need for someone who loves you more than
they love themselves.
With all of my love,