Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Best Laid Plans

So my trip to England has been put on hold indefinitely because of things beyond my control.

It started with the people I was planning on traveling with dropping out one by one until I was pretty sure I was the only one who was going... but I was still planning on going. My fears about going abroad by myself were being waylaid by the knowledge that I would have the open and loving arms of a dear friend that I would be staying with waiting for me at the other end of my trip... until yesterday.

Yesterday they sent me a message that said basically "Even though I've known about you coming for months and I've known about these things that are going on in my life for months if not years, I've changed my mind about you staying with us... but it's not because of you. I'll help you find some place else to stay and maybe we can visit."

Furious doesn't begin to describe what I'm feeling. I have been researching and planning this for almost 6 months now. Making it a point to open my life to this person so that they felt comfortable opening their home to me. Making plans with them!

I feel like its all been a waste!

I feel betrayed!

I feel repellant.

What have I done to make this person suddenly decide that they don't want me around. Their exact message just sounded too much like they were reaching for things to make it bad timing. And if it really was just about bad timing, why not say "Is there some other time we could plan for you to come?" They after all, have been the ones saying this whole time "you can stay with me". If they didn't mean it, why offer?

Now I have all of these plans and savings and no way of living them out.

Some people have suggested that I go and stay with someone else, but I spent a lot of time building a relationship with this person and they didn't want me... I can't emotionally afford to do that again. Others have suggested that I do something else with the money, like put it towards my house, but I was so excited about this trip that everything else feels like a let down... even my house.

What's worse is all of the people who keep saying "you should come stay with me!"... now, I don't trust that they really mean it. I think I'll get over that though, given time.

So, what do I do when I don't know what to do? Nothing. I have moved this person into spaces where I don't have to see them as much until I cool down, but I'm to angry to make any other decisions. So, I'm waiting. Maybe the Universe has some grand plan here that I'm not privy to... or maybe I'll come up with one. Either way, I'm not going to do anything that I'm sorry for just because I'm pissed off right this second. In a few days or a week when I'm calmer, then I'll start making choices.

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