Saturday, March 31, 2012

My Vows

No matter where our paths may lead,
No matter how far we may drift apart,
You are a source of strength and courage for me in my darkest hours,
And drive me forward even when I don't think I can take another step.
For that, I will always love you.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Best Laid Plans

So my trip to England has been put on hold indefinitely because of things beyond my control.

It started with the people I was planning on traveling with dropping out one by one until I was pretty sure I was the only one who was going... but I was still planning on going. My fears about going abroad by myself were being waylaid by the knowledge that I would have the open and loving arms of a dear friend that I would be staying with waiting for me at the other end of my trip... until yesterday.

Yesterday they sent me a message that said basically "Even though I've known about you coming for months and I've known about these things that are going on in my life for months if not years, I've changed my mind about you staying with us... but it's not because of you. I'll help you find some place else to stay and maybe we can visit."

Furious doesn't begin to describe what I'm feeling. I have been researching and planning this for almost 6 months now. Making it a point to open my life to this person so that they felt comfortable opening their home to me. Making plans with them!

I feel like its all been a waste!

I feel betrayed!

I feel repellant.

What have I done to make this person suddenly decide that they don't want me around. Their exact message just sounded too much like they were reaching for things to make it bad timing. And if it really was just about bad timing, why not say "Is there some other time we could plan for you to come?" They after all, have been the ones saying this whole time "you can stay with me". If they didn't mean it, why offer?

Now I have all of these plans and savings and no way of living them out.

Some people have suggested that I go and stay with someone else, but I spent a lot of time building a relationship with this person and they didn't want me... I can't emotionally afford to do that again. Others have suggested that I do something else with the money, like put it towards my house, but I was so excited about this trip that everything else feels like a let down... even my house.

What's worse is all of the people who keep saying "you should come stay with me!"... now, I don't trust that they really mean it. I think I'll get over that though, given time.

So, what do I do when I don't know what to do? Nothing. I have moved this person into spaces where I don't have to see them as much until I cool down, but I'm to angry to make any other decisions. So, I'm waiting. Maybe the Universe has some grand plan here that I'm not privy to... or maybe I'll come up with one. Either way, I'm not going to do anything that I'm sorry for just because I'm pissed off right this second. In a few days or a week when I'm calmer, then I'll start making choices.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Music and the Savage Beast

I can't begin to tell you guys what an amazing night I just had. Thanks to a friend I was given the gift of getting to see my first live performance in... well, a long time. I use to get to see people playing all the time, but it has gotten harder and harder since I left school.

I forgot how much music, and musicians, touch my soul. They reach down into parts of me that I don't know I have and pull up emotions, thoughts, memories... the things that I need to be a whole and complete person.

And it isn't just the sounds! The physicality of the musician pulls me in as much as anything they play. To see someone pour their whole body _their whole soul_ into an instrument, and produce the most... moving... sounds! *contented sigh

If there is one talent that I wish I had, but don't, it would be to give that feeling to others. It is amazing what music can do for a person.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012


Just as an FYI to the rest of the world, if someone tells you that they don't want to be a part of your life, or that they don't want you to be a part of theirs, it isn't a request or and offer.

They are dumping you!

It doesn't matter how nice they are about it or how they choose to get the message across to you, they are still telling you to get out of their lives.

Now, I understand how painful it can be to hear that someone doesn't want you around, especially if you have a long history together, but whining about it will not change their view about the matter... especially if you choose to whine to them. Telling them that they are wrong isn't going to change it, in fact it will more than likely just piss them off. Stalking them on their social media sites will very likely end with a restraining order.

And here's the real bugger of the whole thing, I don't know how to get over being dumped any better than anyone else. All I know to do is cut them out of my life as completely as I can, talk to the people who do love me and do want me around, and sooth myself as best I can with happy things.


One of the things I've figured out about myself is how much I loath being in the spotlight. I don't like the feeling of everyone looking at me all the time and noticing everything I'm doing. I prefer being behind the scenes. Helping others shine.

That is my talent. That's what makes me stand out.

Saturday, March 17, 2012


I still spend so much of my time blaming myself for the failure of my marriage. I hate myself for not being a good wife and for being sick when he was so healthy and good... I'm wrong, and it took the words of a very good friend and his experience with his wife's cancer to remind me that I did it right. The fact that my husband left me doesn't change that.

Thank you Olav and Kat. I hope that some day I too will find that person who can be there for me through thick and thin.

This is Not My Wife

Well, it's a photo of a part of who she is, but at the same time, who she was. This was a few years ago, and in some ways seems like another lifetime.

But, that's not the point. Something's been bugging me for a couple of weeks, and I think talking about it on Tuesday is appropriate - halfway between #manlymondays and #womenwednesday

I found out that one of Kat's friends is getting divorced, and the reason she's stating is that basically, ever since she was diagnosed with cancer, her husband has increasingly become a complete and utter dick. What doubly bothers me is that they started chemo about the same time, and have been done with that for a couple of years now.

Not cool.

I'll be the first dude to say that living with a cancer survivor ain't always easy- especially during treatment. From the biopsy to reconstruction, a lot of thing suck. And they suck a lot. There's surgeries. There are tubes, and drains for seroma, and watching helplessly while someone you love is in pain, or vomiting more than you ever imagined humanly possible. There's horror, and fear and fatigue. I won't lie about that.

But you know what, Mr. Soon-to-be-kicked-to-the-curb? You decided to e a dick about it. In my mind, you may as well have cheated on her. You broke that vow.

In sickness and in health.

We all make some variation of that vow. We all hope that there's going to be a lot of 'in health' and that that 'in sickness' means someone gets the flu now and then. And I'm sure no one expects something so heavy to happen to anyone - woman or man - in their late thirties. But it happens. Bad things happen to good people all the time.

And in that, you missed a
golden opportunity.

You could have focused on the positive. How wonderful your wife is. What a survivor, and a strong spirit, she is. How much just the fact that she's
fighting is a testament to how you married a good lady, and how she brings so much good into your life despite the fact that she got sick, but no. You had to become a dick.

Again, not cool.

I'm going to say something right now - I know you had a couple of good years, and lots of sexyfuntime before things got 'hard', and that's a difficult change, but you know what?

I got three months. Suck it. We got married in April and she found the lump in June. I nearly lost her before our life even began. We never even had a honeymoon.

And that doesn't matter. Even at the worst, we found things we could do together. She got me to pick up the camera again and do things with it. She let me take this shot, for example, bearing all her weights and still they weren't so heavy because we were (and are) a team - and honestly I leaned on her nearly as much as she did on me - and just made it work.

And no, things aren't perfect. I've got my issues, and she's got hers. And we both try to not think about the statistics, because they're not rosy. But such is life. Each day is precious, even when it suck ass. Instead of it being a wedge, it's become something that binds us - by experience that we can never fully share, and just by the sheer growth that we've had to do to survive. Being a dick about it was never an option. For either of us.

tl;dr: Nothing would make me happier if everyone that reads this hugs their spouse/SO/lover/whatever and thinks about what 'together' means. In sickness, and in health, and hopefully 'till death do us part'. And, be excellent to one another.

(and, I know people seem to be reticent to share what I post - even publicly - but really, It's okay)

The Truth

The truth is I still feel like a failure. I was married to one of the most wonderful men on the planet and he hated me. He was kind, compassionate and understanding, and as amazing as he was he couldn't love me.

If someone like that can't, what hope is there for the average person?

Friday, March 16, 2012


My physical pain is overwhelming me. The emotional pain I've been feeling for months now is taking over. The mental exhaustion from fighting it all is consuming me.

Help me Goddess. I can't keep doing this alone.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


Making the choice (and make no mistake, it is always a choice) to remove someone from your life is never easy. Even when you know that it is for the best, the pain can be overwhelming.

In the last few days I have asked two people in my life that I *never* thought I would ask to leave, to do just that. They are wonderful people who I care about so deeply that it scares me. They didn't do anything wrong. They aren't out to hurt me. But for my own health and well being I have asked them to leave... or, more accurately, I have told them that I am.

Why do this? Why put myself through the pain of losing two wonderful people if I don't have to? If they aren't saying they don't want me around?

The fact is, to spite not meaning to hurt me, having them in my life was causing me harm. Not having them in my life will be a temporary pain. The pain from the damage that would have been cause if I had not stepped away would have lasted a life time.

Or at least, this is what I will tell myself as I cry myself to sleep tonight

A Letter to Someone I Love

I have spent all day trying to figure out what I'm supposed to say to
you. I have spent weeks thinking it over and over in my head, knowing
that your birthday was quickly approaching. It took me forever to
realized where I fit in your life and now that I understand that I
don't, everything I have to say seems meaningless.

But, I believe that I should say it anyway.

I love you. For so many years, and in so many ways, you have been
family for me. But you know what my family is like. Full of abusive
people who are hell bent on self destruction... and the destruction of
those that they love. One of the things that you have held my hand for
is learning that I can't have people like that in my life. People who
by just being who they are will tear my life, and the lives of the
people closest to me, to shreds. I don't believe that they mean to,
but I also don't believe they can stop themselves. For that reason,
one by one I have cut those people out of my life. These are the
people that I have given my life for.

For years now, you have been trying to tell me that someone who is
this self destructive is the one and only person for you. The person
that is the center of your world and the only person of any importance
to you. I have been ignoring you. I haven't wanted to hear it because
I hate the idea of you being with someone like that. I know those
people. I know what they do to your life. It has pained me in ways
that I don't know how to explain. But it has never stopped me from
loving you with all of my soul.

So, on your birthday, I am giving you the only gift I have to give. I
don't expect you will see it for the gift that it is, but I pray that
some day you will.

I am going to let you go with all of the love and compassion that I
have in me. I want you to be happy and have the family of your dreams.
May you have many small fat babies and a beautiful home with a huge
yard and laughter every day of your very long life. May your pains be
few and short, may your joys be many and long, and may our paths cross
again should you ever have need for someone who loves you more than
they love themselves.

With all of my love,
Your Squealer


Some part of me has known for a long time that I was holding back. I was trying to look and be a certain way so that I didn't offend one particular person in my life. With that person gone, it's like the flood gates have opened again! I find myself sharing the funny and stupid things that make me think about everything and nothing. I'm asking the questions that I didn't feel safe asking because "they" were watching. I'm flirting and teasing with reckless abandon. I'm branching out again and finding new people to draw closer to me, one moment at a time.

The thing is, I'm not really sure... completely sure anyway... why I was holding back to begin with. I don't think that this person was offended by me, but then, I wasn't really being me was I.

So many of the people in my life don't get to see this side of me because of my fear of what they will think. It's only with the people who have never met me, that I feel I can be this open and honest with. They get to know me in ways that even the love of my life never has and never will.

Monday, March 12, 2012


Today was the first day of me knowing I can't keep you around. Of knowing that you are happy. Of being just me in all of my messed up glory, because I don't have to worry that I will chase you off without a word again.

Today I felt anguish. I felt peace. I feel a heart breaking joy that I didn't know I would feel.

Today I was given a gift by a friend, who loves me just enough to know that I needed to hear that they understood me.

Tomorrow, I will put this down... again, and again... until I can leave it. Then I will try again.

Perfect Today

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, "

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."


Sunday, March 11, 2012

Calm in the Storm

It always worries me when people look at me and the insanity that is my life, and get a sense of peace and serenity. They are the two things I feel the least, and yet over and over I hear from others that they receive just those things from me.

It makes me wonder, am I the eye, or the storm?


I wish I could have gotten more from you. I wish you could have told me if you understood why I was doing this. I wish I knew that I wasn't once again hurting you. I wish you knew that it is my desire to not cause pain that is driving me away... not just my own, but yours too.

I wish I knew this was the right thing to do.

I wish I knew a better or easier way.

Saturday, March 10, 2012


How do I know it's love?

I would be willing to give up everything in my life to make sure they are happy... even having them in my life.

Right and Wrong

Society makes these distinctions between right and wrong, but the heart doesn't. The heart feels what it wants to feel.

Thursday, March 1, 2012


Some times I talk to you in my head... since I can't talk to you for real. I tell you about the things that are going on in my life. I ask you about yours. I reminisce with you about days gone by.

Recently I've been wondering with you about that brave and daring person that I knew so many years ago. That person who did things that they could never tell anyone else, and that was the best part. Those things were all ours to keep until the end of time.

I'm still that person... why aren't you?