Sunday, February 26, 2012

Self

I want someone who knows about that tiny seed of evil that lives in my heart and embraces it just as much as the beauty, love, strength, and courage that make up the rest of me.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Vision

I was really upset and someone who loves me told me "You are one of the most amazing people I have ever known, I wish you could see that"

I wish I could see that too. I wish I could see myself the way the people who love me do. I wish I could know what it is about me that they find to be so great.

I wish I could see why some of them stop seeing that.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Memories

My husband used to call me beautiful.

Hey beautiful! he would say

I wonder when he stopped seeing me. I still haven't stopped seeing him

Valentine's Day

Everyone around me is going on about their sweethearts and how much they are in love. I'm having a hard time getting myself into the spirit. Today is just another day for me... in fact, it has been since high school. The last time I got worked up about Valentine's Day I was a senior.

But this time of year does make me think about love a lot. What is it? How do we know we have it? Why do we lose it? Can we ever get it back?

Here's what I have come up with. Love is something that only I can know if I have it. I feel it for ice cream, my best friend, my dog, my fuzzy blankets and the guy who was my first. It doesn't just go away because those people or things aren't around or don't feel the same way about me and it can cling to me for decades. It is the most painful and wonderful feeling I have experienced. I don't think I have ever lost my love for someone or thing, but to stop hurting, I have pushed it away. By pushing it away I also think I prevent myself from getting it back.

There is still so much I have to learn about love, and life. Maybe some day I will figure it out

Saturday, February 11, 2012


The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures 
and instructions for dancing
But I
I love it when you read to me
And you
You can read me anything
The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb
But I
I love it when you sing to me
And you
You can sing me anything
The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know
But I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings





Wednesday, February 8, 2012

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me


Mother

It's too late for you. You don't get to be my mother now. I don't need you any more, so I'm not willing to let you hurt me any more just so I have some place to live and food to eat.

When I needed you was when I was a small child and you were letting your father rape me.
And later when I took on the job of bringing him to justice on behalf of the two generations of lives he destroyed. 

When I needed you was when you kicked my father out of the house and my life because of your fears.
And later when I needed the courage to be with him before he died.

When I needed you was when I was raising your daughter.
And later when I realized how badly I failed.

When I needed you was when you used me as the adult.
And later when I tried to get what you stole back.

You were never there though.

I've listened to all of your excuses, even believed a few. Not any more.

I am tired of watching you ruin one life after another because you don't have the courage to grow up, to over come the pain that has been caused to you and change. So, you let it spread like a cancer to the people too innocent to defend themselves against you. But not me, not any more.

I will be strong. I will learn how to live my life differently and some day, when those that you have hurt so much go looking for answers to why, I will be here to explain to them. I will be your "Speaker" and teach them to see you as the human I never knew.

In that way, maybe, I can save both your soul, and my own.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Cleanse Complete

My cleanse was a total success! I lost about 10 pounds (bringing down to my post marriage weight) and it has me craving good healthy foods instead of junk. With luck, I'll lose the last 10 before spring is really under way! :-D

I'm Sorry

I don't know what I was thinking, inviting you back into my life. I knew that my feelings for you were still too strong to accept whatever scraps you would toss me if you felt like it. You made it clear a long time ago how you feel about me useless waste not worth the dirt on your shoes. I have tried so hard to keep my distance, to not drag myself into that trap of being someones option when they are a priority for me.

And so here I am

Bruised and aching because I don't have the good sense to leave well enough alone.

I'm sorry I brought you into this.

I'm sorry I'm not good enough.

I'm sorry I'm not strong enough.

I'm sorry I'm not enough.

But please know this, for all of my weakness, failings, and mistakes, there is one person in all the world who wishes you nothing but happiness and love, joy and laughter, and loves your soul no matter how dirty it gets
Maybe some day, for some one, that will be enough

Friday, February 3, 2012

Groundhog's Day

So I was sleeping through watching Groundhog's Day and Bill Murry says this somewhere near the middle of the film:

I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster, drank PiƱa Coladas. At sunset we made love like sea otters. That was a pretty good day. Why couldn't I get that day over and over and over?

Which set me to thinking, what day would I want to live over and over again? Phil (Bill Murry's character) thought of one of his best days, but got stuck with just a day that he believed was one of his worst. In the end, it made him a better man. He learned millions of lessons that taught him how to be the kind of person the woman he desired would want.

So the real question at the core of this is, what lessons do I need to learn to be the best person I can be?

So, if given my choice, I would choose from one of two time periods in my life. The first is when I was leaving for college and the months after I got there. I hurt someone I love very much and if given the chance, I would learn how to leave them with more grace. The second is from when my husband was leaving me. I didn't handle it well and I'd like to learn how to let him go with more love and compassion.

For me, these are two sides of the same lesson. Do everything in your life with love. If I could learn to do that, I think I would be the kind of person that would attract the person I desire.