I want someone who knows about that tiny seed of evil that lives in my heart and embraces it just as much as the beauty, love, strength, and courage that make up the rest of me.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
I wish I could see that too. I wish I could see myself the way the people who love me do. I wish I could know what it is about me that they find to be so great.
I wish I could see why some of them stop seeing that.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
My husband used to call me beautiful.
Hey beautiful! he would say
I wonder when he stopped seeing me. I still haven't stopped seeing him
But this time of year does make me think about love a lot. What is it? How do we know we have it? Why do we lose it? Can we ever get it back?
Here's what I have come up with. Love is something that only I can know if I have it. I feel it for ice cream, my best friend, my dog, my fuzzy blankets and the guy who was my first. It doesn't just go away because those people or things aren't around or don't feel the same way about me and it can cling to me for decades. It is the most painful and wonderful feeling I have experienced. I don't think I have ever lost my love for someone or thing, but to stop hurting, I have pushed it away. By pushing it away I also think I prevent myself from getting it back.
There is still so much I have to learn about love, and life. Maybe some day I will figure it out
Saturday, February 11, 2012
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures
I love it when you read to me
You can read me anything
The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb
I love it when you sing to me
You can sing me anything
The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know
I love it when you give me things
You ought to give me wedding rings
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
When I needed you was when I was a small child and you were letting your father rape me.
And later when I took on the job of bringing him to justice on behalf of the two generations of lives he destroyed.
When I needed you was when you kicked my father out of the house and my life because of your fears.
And later when I needed the courage to be with him before he died.
When I needed you was when I was raising your daughter.
And later when I realized how badly I failed.
When I needed you was when you used me as the adult.
And later when I tried to get what you stole back.
You were never there though.
I've listened to all of your excuses, even believed a few. Not any more.
I am tired of watching you ruin one life after another because you don't have the courage to grow up, to over come the pain that has been caused to you and change. So, you let it spread like a cancer to the people too innocent to defend themselves against you. But not me, not any more.
I will be strong. I will learn how to live my life differently and some day, when those that you have hurt so much go looking for answers to why, I will be here to explain to them. I will be your "Speaker" and teach them to see you as the human I never knew.
In that way, maybe, I can save both your soul, and my own.
Monday, February 6, 2012
My cleanse was a total success! I lost about 10 pounds (bringing down to my post marriage weight) and it has me craving good healthy foods instead of junk. With luck, I'll lose the last 10 before spring is really under way! :-D
Bruised and aching because I don't have the good sense to leave well enough alone.
But please know this, for all of my weakness, failings, and mistakes, there is one person in all the world who wishes you nothing but happiness and love, joy and laughter, and loves your soul no matter how dirty it gets
Maybe some day, for some one, that will be enough
Friday, February 3, 2012
I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster, drank Piña Coladas. At sunset we made love like sea otters. That was a pretty good day. Why couldn't I get that day over and over and over?
Which set me to thinking, what day would I want to live over and over again? Phil (Bill Murry's character) thought of one of his best days, but got stuck with just a day that he believed was one of his worst. In the end, it made him a better man. He learned millions of lessons that taught him how to be the kind of person the woman he desired would want.
So the real question at the core of this is, what lessons do I need to learn to be the best person I can be?
So, if given my choice, I would choose from one of two time periods in my life. The first is when I was leaving for college and the months after I got there. I hurt someone I love very much and if given the chance, I would learn how to leave them with more grace. The second is from when my husband was leaving me. I didn't handle it well and I'd like to learn how to let him go with more love and compassion.
For me, these are two sides of the same lesson. Do everything in your life with love. If I could learn to do that, I think I would be the kind of person that would attract the person I desire.