How much truth is too much truth? Do you tell someone the truth if it means that you will lose them? What if not telling them does them no harm, do you keep it from them? Is that a lie?
These are just some of the questions that came out of my all too emotional session with my counselor today. She was trying to help me decide how to handle a problem I'm having with moving on with my life. I can't seem to let go of this impossible relationship and while that isn't harming the other person at all, I fear that it will eventually and I know that it is harming me.
For one thing, I'm not letting go and moving on to people who do know I exist and are interested in a relationship with me. The fantasy isn't... I'm not even sure what the fantasy is!
At the same time, the fantasy offers me a safe place to hide from my deepest fear. That I will be raped by someone I know again.
I wouldn't survive that.
The fantasy protects me from letting anyone in again. From being destroyed again. The fantasy can only bruise my heart, not my soul.
I hate myself for hiding behind this. I hate myself for using this person, that I really do love, in such a horrible and debasing way. I hate that I haven't overcome my fears and moved on.
I hate that I am so weak.
This is the next thing I'm going to root out of my Black Little Heart. I will let go of this person and I will do it with all of the love and compassion I have to give them (they deserve no less from me). I will overcome my fear and I will invite someone special into my life to love me as I love them.
I will be strong.