Friday, January 20, 2012

Truth, Lies and the Icing on Top

How much truth is too much truth? Do you tell someone the truth if it means that you will lose them? What if not telling them does them no harm, do you keep it from them? Is that a lie?

These are just some of the questions that came out of my all too emotional session with my counselor today. She was trying to help me decide how to handle a problem I'm having with moving on with my life. I can't seem to let go of this impossible relationship and while that isn't harming the other person at all, I fear that it will eventually and I know that it is harming me.

For one thing, I'm not letting go and moving on to people who do know I exist and are interested in a relationship with me. The fantasy isn't... I'm not even sure what the fantasy is!

At the same time, the fantasy offers me a safe place to hide from my deepest fear. That I will be raped by someone I know again.

I wouldn't survive that.

The fantasy protects me from letting anyone in again. From being destroyed again. The fantasy can only bruise my heart, not my soul.

I hate myself for hiding behind this. I hate myself for using this person, that I really do love, in such a horrible and debasing way. I hate that I haven't overcome my fears and moved on.

I hate that I am so weak.

This is the next thing I'm going to root out of my Black Little Heart. I will let go of this person and I will do it with all of the love and compassion I have to give them (they deserve no less from me). I will overcome my fear and I will invite someone special into my life to love me as I love them.

I will be strong.

2 comments:

  1. So much Love to You and for You, Catherine... Yes, I agree, there is nothing more Powerful than Letting Go with Love... I have taken the plunge doing this a few times and each time a Grander Love is returned... Sometimes in the same form, sometimes in a totally new one...

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm still struggling to find my way with this Nep. I know that I will be better off, but I just don't know how to take the first step.

    Thankfully I have you guys to keep me on the right path *hugs* Love you hun

    ReplyDelete