Something has changed lately. After years of not really wanting someone in my life, I suddenly really really do.
Not because I'm lonely, I almost never am. Not because I can't do "it" on my own, I've found that I'm almost always better off doing it on my own. But because I miss having someone around to make cookies for, and to cuddle with, and to laugh with when I once again try to freeze the milk. Someone that I can tell my weird thoughts to and not freak them out...
But the truth is, I've never had that before. The people that I have trusted with my truest self have all run from me as far and fast as they could get away. I've scared them.
Friends tell me that if those people were the person for me that they wouldn't have been scared off. They would have stood by me and supported me as I supported them. But is that really true?
Even my own parents couldn't do that.
The people that I have chosen to give my soul to are some of the most amazing and compassionate people on the planet. They have gone on to have happy homes with beautiful families and not had to struggle with me and my insanity to get them. They support their spouses and raise their children and don't run from them.
I know that I'm not easy to live with... I never turn off. I'm always asking "why". I have two diseases that cause me sever physical and emotional pain, and they will never completely go away. I'm pretty sure ice cream is the perfect food. My dog is my best friend. I can't stand having stuff just for the sake of having stuff. Reading a book and drinking some tea is my idea of a perfect date night. The woods are the only place I ever feel truly safe. I snore. I collect stuffed animals. Mickey Mouse is my God. I never shut up. I would rather go to my favorite restaurant and see a good horror movie than buy new clothes. Steak is the best invention ever. I have no patience for stupidity (mine or other peoples). I yell when I'm angry. I cry when I'm happy. I get quiet when I'm sad. I am a survivor and will do whatever it takes to keep myself protected.
Can anyone ever really stand to live with that? Can anyone ever really love that?
I'm only just starting to learn that all of that mess adds up to a pretty good person, but will anyone else ever be able to?
Will I ever give anyone else the chance?