Sunday, January 29, 2012


Woke up feeling lonely and depressed this morning. Much like I have for the last few weeks. Some of it is the weather. Some of it is my Fibromyalgia. But most of it is me having let my head run wild with fantasies that have no hope of coming true.

I need to get myself centered again. I need to come back to the real world. Then I will feel normal again

Sunday, January 22, 2012

The Day I Died

Warning: This post has the potential to be very triggering for some people. The title should give you a hint about what the topic is. I can think of several people in my life who, if they are reading this, may just want to skip this post. If you have any questions or comments that you don't feel comfortable sharing with the world, but would like to contact me about, please feel free to contact me through my profile page.

On October 20th 1999, I tried to kill myself. This is the story of that day

I was in what I was expecting to be my last year of college, to spite some set backs because of personal and family issues. A relationship that wasn't very good for me, but that had kept me from feeling the pain and loss of the man I did love, had just ended... he was making sure to rub my nose in it by bringing the new girl to our home. My family, in their traditional fashion, was going out of their way to make sure I completely worthless I was by regularly calling me and explaining to me in detail all of the ways I had destroyed their lives. I wasn't sleeping... ever. My eating disorder was still in high gear and I would go for a week at a time without eating anything. The pain from what I know now is Fibromyalgia had just started to really make my life hell, but every doctor I saw kept telling me that there was nothing wrong with me, and in one case, that I was making it up just for attention.

This is what was going on in my life at the time. I still can't begin to explain to people the mental, spiritual, and emotional pain I was in. How alone I felt. How worthless and empty I was in my own eye the week I decided that it was over for me.

The choice to kill myself wasn't one I had made lightly, and if I'm completely honest about it, I didn't fully decide that I was going to do it until I did.

A few days earlier, I had gone to the college health clinic and told them that I was having trouble sleeping. This was true, but it wasn't why I told them that. I have been an insomniac my entire life. Not sleeping wasn't anything new to me. I told them so they would give me the drugs I could use "if I needed them". At the time, I had no plans for using them, but they made me feel safe some how.

As the week went on, and my depression and pain got worse, I started to believe that I couldn't handle life any more. When I did sleep my dreams were riddled with horrors that I still can't bring myself to tell others about. My days were an endless torture chamber for my mind and body. No one loved me. No one would miss me.

But most importantly, the pain would end.

I needed the pain to end. I couldn't breath because of it. It consumed the person that I was and turned me into an evil monster that hurt everyone she loved, broke everything she touched, destroyed everything she was a part of.

I couldn't live like that anymore.

After a long day of classes, I came home to find my ex and his new girlfriend making out in our living room. It killed me how easy I was to replace. I left and drove around for a while. When I came back they were gone. The pain I was in was so extreme that I couldn't think straight. I kept telling myself that I didn't want to die. I just wanted to stop hurting.

I called the only person I knew you I never hurt with. Who I could always trust to make life better just with the sound of their voice. They hung up on me.

That was it. I had all of the proof I needed that I meant nothing to no one. I called my ex and told him to take care of the pets. Unplugged the phone. Pulled out the bottle of schnapps we had in the cupboard and the sleep aid the doctor gave me and drank them all down.

Now I just had to go to sleep and the pain would be gone. I would never feel lonely again. I would never be angry again. I would never hurt again. I would never be again.

The rest of that night is a blur.

I know the cops came. I know my ex showed up. I know I ended up in the hospital. I don't remember any of those things. They tell me I talked the whole way to the hospital and that I said some awful things to my ex. I don't remember that either.

The next thing I do remember in waking up in the hospital the next day. Still in pain. Still broken. Still alive.

Over the coming months and weeks people repeatedly asked me why I hadn't talked to them. Why didn't I ask for help?

The answer is still, because they didn't really want to hear it. People don't want to have to hear about my suffering because they have their own struggles to deal with. Since that night I have had more than one person leave me because they couldn't deal with the things that I have to live with day in and day out for the rest of my life. This isn't something I believe they have done. They have openly and honestly told me they couldn't deal with it, and then they have left me alone to struggle on as best as I can.

This used to make me very angry. How could these people tell me about how much they were there for me when ever I needed them and then walk out on me?! The truth is that these people have wanted to support me and show me how loved I am, but what I am dealing with is too much for one person or even many people to deal with.

These day I know that I am strong enough to not only survived the things that life throws my way, but to thrive. This is the gift I was given that night. The gift of knowing that there is nothing the world can hand me that will be too much. It has been tested (like when I lost my baby, when my husband left me, or when my best friend died), but every time I have passed the test. More than that, I have been able to pass this gift on to others when they have needed it.

I have saved others lives!

That by itself makes everything that I have had to go through worth it.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Save Me From The Nothing I've Become!

Truth, Lies and the Icing on Top

How much truth is too much truth? Do you tell someone the truth if it means that you will lose them? What if not telling them does them no harm, do you keep it from them? Is that a lie?

These are just some of the questions that came out of my all too emotional session with my counselor today. She was trying to help me decide how to handle a problem I'm having with moving on with my life. I can't seem to let go of this impossible relationship and while that isn't harming the other person at all, I fear that it will eventually and I know that it is harming me.

For one thing, I'm not letting go and moving on to people who do know I exist and are interested in a relationship with me. The fantasy isn't... I'm not even sure what the fantasy is!

At the same time, the fantasy offers me a safe place to hide from my deepest fear. That I will be raped by someone I know again.

I wouldn't survive that.

The fantasy protects me from letting anyone in again. From being destroyed again. The fantasy can only bruise my heart, not my soul.

I hate myself for hiding behind this. I hate myself for using this person, that I really do love, in such a horrible and debasing way. I hate that I haven't overcome my fears and moved on.

I hate that I am so weak.

This is the next thing I'm going to root out of my Black Little Heart. I will let go of this person and I will do it with all of the love and compassion I have to give them (they deserve no less from me). I will overcome my fear and I will invite someone special into my life to love me as I love them.

I will be strong.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Cleanse Day Five

Discovered tonight that the shakes that go with this are far less vile when a touch of honey is added... too bad that's cheating :-/

In other news, I'm down 10 pounds since I started on Saturday. Trying really hard not to let it go to my head or cause me to stop eating, but it's really hard. Only a few pounds to go and I'm down to my goal.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Cleanse Day Four

So, I'm still at it and I think I'm starting to feel better... maybe... not really. But I guess this is just the way it is when you're purging your body of the built up crap from the past year.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Cleanse Day Two

Still feeling pretty shitty, but that's to be expected in the first days of a cleanse. Also can't seem to eat enough, but to spite that I've lost 3 pounds since I started this on Saturday (yes, 3 lbs, one day). It must be mostly water weight, but it's still a little weird. Last time I lost weight like this was after David left. Hopefully it won't last long. We'll see what tomorrow brings :-)


I want to go skinny dipping

I want to make love in the rain

I want to laugh until my face hurts

I want to cry until I can't cry any more

I want to feel large hands pull me in

I want to smell sweat and heat

I want to taste sunshine

I want to give bliss

I want to scream

I want hear Love

I want to see Joy

I want to know comfort and safety

I want to burn

I want

Saturday, January 14, 2012


Something has changed lately. After years of not really wanting someone in my life, I suddenly really really do.

Not because I'm lonely, I almost never am. Not because I can't do "it" on my own, I've found that I'm almost always better off doing it on my own. But because I miss having someone around to make cookies for, and to cuddle with, and to laugh with when I once again try to freeze the milk. Someone that I can tell my weird thoughts to and not freak them out...

But the truth is, I've never had that before. The people that I have trusted with my truest self have all run from me as far and fast as they could get away. I've scared them.

Friends tell me that if those people were the person for me that they wouldn't have been scared off. They would have stood by me and supported me as I supported them. But is that really true?

Even my own parents couldn't do that.

The people that I have chosen to give my soul to are some of the most amazing and compassionate people on the planet. They have gone on to have happy homes with beautiful families and not had to struggle with me and my insanity to get them. They support their spouses and raise their children and don't run from them.

Just me.

I know that I'm not easy to live with... I never turn off. I'm always asking "why". I have two diseases that cause me sever physical and emotional pain, and they will never completely go away. I'm pretty sure ice cream is the perfect food. My dog is my best friend. I can't stand having stuff just for the sake of having stuff. Reading a book and drinking some tea is my idea of a perfect date night. The woods are the only place I ever feel truly safe. I snore. I collect stuffed animals. Mickey Mouse is my God. I never shut up. I would rather go to my favorite restaurant and see a good horror movie than buy new clothes. Steak is the best invention ever. I have no patience for stupidity (mine or other peoples). I yell when I'm angry. I cry when I'm happy. I get quiet when I'm sad. I am a survivor and will do whatever it takes to keep myself protected.

Can anyone ever really stand to live with that? Can anyone ever really love that?

I'm only just starting to learn that all of that mess adds up to a pretty good person, but will anyone else ever be able to?

Will I ever give anyone else the chance?

Cleanse Day One

Started my cleanse today which seems to be giving me headaches (normal, but still painful). My period started yesterday and with it a spike in my Fibromyalgia.

All of this is making it almost impossible to think clearly. Which in turn makes it almost impossible to be the person I want to be when dealing with the rest of the world.

So, for this weekend, I'm going to cut myself some slack and lay on my couch watching movies all weekend. Be gentle with myself.

Someone has to do it ;-)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Price of Laughter

All my life I have laughed my way through the horrors of my life. Giggled when others would have screamed and cried.

I wonder if the pain I feel now is the price I have to pay for that.


What would happen to the world if all that was printed in newspapers was good stuff? Stories that warmed your heart and inspired you to do the best you could in life.

If you knew that you were causing pain to someone you loved, would you leave them? Even if it meant that you would suffer for not having them in your life?

Can I really be happy just me, my dog and a pack? Is there really anything else I need in my life?

Who am I?

Monday, January 9, 2012


Days like today, they make me want to rip my brain out.

They make me want to crush it in my fingers and squeeze the pain from it.

They fill my soul with horror and dread that the great minds in literature have never dreamed of in their deepest and darkest nightmares.

They tear away the dreams I have of ever being whole.

They remind me that I can never bring another life into this hell.

I will always be alone.

Sunday, January 8, 2012


One of the down sides to me being sick... like with a cold and not just the normal Fibromyalgia/ PTSD stuff... is that it gives me time to think too much.

Why wasn't I with my father when he died?

Why am I such an awful person that the people I love most can't stand to be with me?

Who am I?

Will I ever make a difference?

I don't like the answers to most of these questions. I don't like what they say about me. I want to make better answers.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

What can't you live without?

At one point a friend asked the question "What can't you live without?"... basically... and my answer to her was nothing. I have nothing in my life that I couldn't give up in a heartbeat and still live my life pretty much as it is.

She then asked me the followup question, "Why?"

Why don't I have anything in my life that I'm so passionate about that I couldn't live without it. Until now I still haven't answered her question because I didn't know the answer.

At first I thought it was because I just didn't. My entire life I've never had a favorite band or teacher or food. Maybe I wasn't one of those people, people who have favorites. And then I thought about a pillow I left at my Aunt Suzi's when I was a kid. I cried because I thought I wouldn't get it back.

So, that's not the answer.

Then I thought of the answer every counselor has ever suggested to me, that I wasn't "allowed" to have favorites, so I didn't. Not that there isn't at least some truth to this, but it didn't _feel_ true... so I kept digging.

This is the answer that feels like *Truth*.

I don't have that thing because ever since I was a small child, the things that have mattered most to me have been taken from me. Ripped from me in a million ways that always left me with an aching pain... a hole in my soul.

After a time I learned that this was the way of the World. It isn't something particular to me or my situation. The World is impermanent. People die or leave, houses burn, favorite dolls fall apart in the wash.

I have been teaching myself to accept this as normal and natural, and to not let it tear me apart when I lose the thing I cherished. I have learned to not hold on to the people and things in my life. I have learned to always be ready to let them go.

This doesn't mean that I don't feel pain when I lose these things, it just means that I know I can live without everything in my life.

My life will go on with or without everything else.

Talk to me baby!

A friend on G+ posted this and I agree so much I'm sharing with you all here. None of the words that follow are my own, but I whole heartedly agree.

Guys... Heavy sigh... Yes, you, the male portion of the species.

There’s a subset of you that
just doesn’t get it. I’m not surprised that there is that subset, to be frank, but I’m becoming increasingly annoyed at them.

There is one basic difference between men and women that some men don’t seem to understand:
Women get offered sex often. Men do not!

So while I'm sure you would love it if random women on social networks offered you sex every time you posted, you have to wake up and realize that when you do it on every post by a woman, you look like a douchebag.

Sorry, there’s no equality forthcoming here. If you were offered sex virtually every minute of every day since you hit puberty (and likely before), you’d be bored of the offers, too. Hard to believe, I know, but it’s true. It’s like water on tap: we’d rather pay for the same water, packaged and put into bottles, than drink from our own taps because the tap is boring and too easy. If getting sex became too easy, nobody would do it. There’s a grain of truth to every married person joke about not having sex after marriage. Once it’s on tap, so to speak, it’s less exciting (to some, not to me. I like to keep it fresh).

So please, grow up, and stop offering yourself like a cheap (or free) whore to every woman who posts a picture of themselves, especially if they’re posting other stuff, like words, that aren’t sexual (if you don’t see them, rub one out in private, then come back... They’ll wait).

Grow up, be a man, have some pride, and converse. Brainy is the new Sexy, if you didn’t know, so if you’re clever, and you can manage to string a few coherent sentences together, you never know...
Because, let's face it, offering sex to everyone on a social network just doesn't work for a man.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012


Whenever I start to think that my words don't matter,

or that no one would care about the silly, painful, or just plain random things I write about and post

or that my life has no meaning and I have had no impact on the world around me

someone I love does something like this

Much love and blessings to you Lerato :-*


I didn't freak out when the groomer injured my service dog.

I didn't cry when I sprained my ankle so badly I still can't walk properly.

Or when I spent the weekend following that vomiting my brains out.

No fits were pitched at the hot butter burn that has left a scar on my dominant wrist.

I smiled and laughed through the cold that kept me from breathing for a week.

The never ending #Fibromyalgia flair has only caused periodic whining.

Even coming home to find it raining in my bed room the Friday before New Years has not been enough to break me.

But after hours of doing and hanging laundry I have been balling like a baby because the tension rod that it was all on fell into Mya's water bowl.

Please, someone else take over?


I have so much stuff stuck in my head right now that I don't know where to start and don't really have the time to. So I'm going to give myself some reminders here so I can come back and expand on them later.

A new friend shared some of her experience with PTSD. I never have done that, because they terrify me. I think it's time I got over my fear.

Talking to a friend I was reminded of the way we speak influences how we see our world. We always need to speak kindly about ourselves especially, but those around us as well.

You never know what you have until it's gone... or it leaves you. I loved my husband very much and I believe he loved me. Do we know what we had? Will I ever have it again?

The bonds that form between people can be very strong. How do you know if they have been broken?

Sunday, January 1, 2012

England or Bust!

So, last night I started this crazy plan of making it to England this year to visit a few of my beloved G+ friends.

I did a little research and I will need to put away about $1000 just for the trip (airfare and just a very little bit of spending money), and find someone I trust to take care of Mya while I'm gone (two weeks late in September is the plan). Plus I will need to get my passport (yes, yes I know I'm 34 and don't have a passport... get over it), and a vacation (?) visa.

As some of you know, I live on an extremely tight budget (so tight that I'm also going to have to save the money I won't be earning while I'm on this trip), so saving for a trip like this will be challenging to say the least. But I believe that with a little support I can do it!

This is what I need from you guys.

If any of you know of cheaper ways to do what I'm doing now or the trip, please let me know. If I can cut expenses over the next couple months, that will help a ton! I'm happy to lay out the details of my finances for you if you can help, just not in public like this ;-)

For the people who don't see me every day, keep talking to me about the trip. The more I can keep it in the forefront of my mind the less likely I am to buy a $5 coffee at Starbucks ;-)

If this goes well, I may plan another big trip in 2013 or sooner to see others that I would love to meet face to face! Can you recommend any place?