So I had "one of those talks" with a friend today. You know the ones where you tell them the thing that you're terrified will cause them to run screaming. Yeah, that one. They haven't known me long and so don't know my history. Part of me hates this part of my friendships. I feel like I'm hanging a sign around my neck that says "Look at ME! I'm a Rape Survivor!" But each time that I tell someone, even in the most superficial way (leaving out the gory details of the events themselves as I did today), I also feel like it is less true.
I'm not making any sense.
What I'm trying to say is that the sign is less there each time I tell someone. It's as if my Rapes aren't as big of a deal and don't define me as much as they have in my past. In a lot of ways they have defined me. I have lost friendships and lovers because of them. I have hurt people because of them. I have hurt myself because of them. So if I can stop doing those things by being more open about my Rapes, then I feel like I owe it to myself and the people I love to share about them.
The hard part is choosing people who won't use the information against me or to hurt me, and I suck at that. Part of me knows that my "suckyness" is because of the things I have lived through and it will just take time for me to learn how to trust people (and more importantly myself) again. And part of me doesn't care... I want it NOW! I want to know that the people I tell aren't going to run away and leave me to deal with these things by myself all over again. I want to know that they aren't going to Rape me too. I want to know that they won't twist these events into "you asked for it" or "why did you let this happen".
I want to be all better.
Taking these little steps and letting myself trust people in small ways I think will get me there. All I have to do is be patient with myself.