Saturday, December 31, 2011

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

As the old year closes for the world at large and the new one begins, I'm thinking about where I was a year ago.

  • I had the same job (though I had only started it in October).
  • I was volunteering (almost as much as I was working).
  • I was living in the same place (well into my second year and for the first time since David and I divorced).
  • I still had a car (though I didn't really get to use it).
  • I was still in contact with my family (and hated every conversation, except with Pooka).
  • I felt very alone (even when I was surrounded by friends).
  • I had decided that I was single and I always would be (and I liked it that way)

This year I'm in such a different place without having gone anywhere.

  • I'm well established in my position at the office and can feel the difference if I have to not be there... I'm needed! If I have to miss a day because of my fibromyalgia, they have piles of things that need to be done and questions that need to be answered.
  • I have left the volunteer position for medical reasons, but I have become such friends with the owners that I still spend a great deal of time there.
  • I still live in the same apartment, but thanks to some special programs and lots of hard work on my part I'm hoping to buy my first home in 2012
  • I have been car free since April, and thanks to Mya I have found that I really don't need or want a car! Being able to get back to walking everywhere has gotten me back in touch with a girl I had forgotten existed. It has set me free!
  • I have finally gotten rid of  the sickness that was my family... it has been painful losing Pooka, but they never were going to let me help her anyway :'-( I have started a keepsake box for her that I will fill with missed birthday and Yule gifts and letters telling her that I was thinking of her. If I ever see her again, she will know she was loved.
  • I have developed new friendships and rekindled old ones (yes Bobert, I'm talking about you). The people I have in my life now feed into my desire to be bigger and better than the situations I live in and encourage me to be the person I was born to be. They make me laugh and let me cry and share in my failures and triumphs equally. I feel a part.
  • I am for the first time in a long time feeling like I could invite someone into my life and give back to them as much as they give to me. I'm terrified by this because the one man that I love doesn't have space for me in his life (and won't for a very long time if ever) and that is no way to have a relationship. But maybe, the Universe has other plans for me and the passionate love I can give.
I have been feeling the power I have to change the World around me coming back. This is nothing short of a miracle for me and I owe it to the little changes that have taken place in the last year. My only hope is that, with help, I can continue to make my World one that is full of Joy and Light in the New Year to come.

Friday, December 30, 2011

My Day

Today I came home to this:





I'm in pain from a fibro flair. I had a hard day at work. I'm still smiling.

I guess my life isn't so bad after all ;-)

Persistence

There are only so many ways I can politely tell someone that their advances are not only unwelcome, but boarding on inappropriate, before I have to get bitchy about it.

And if there is anything people around me should know, it's I never do anything half assed.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

SHUT UP!

I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut. There are things about my life that no one wants to know about or hear about and it would be better for everyone concerned if I could learn to just not bring them up.

My life has been a long list of horror and atrocities, and while I don't feel bad about them or look at them as having been harmful to me, I know that when others look at me they just pity me... I can see it in their eyes

I don't want or need that!

I want them to see the strength and courage that  I have acquired because of these things. I want them to know that these things don't have to destroy you. I want them to share the stories they hear from me with people that they know who are also suffering and have the stories be inspiring. I want them to hear joy and laughter even in my darkest hours.

I want my story to be greater than the sum of its parts


I want them to hear how they saved me


I want my story to save someone else

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Insomnia

I hate when I'm so exhausted I'm crying, in so much pain I'm having full body spasms, and yet still can't turn my brain off so I can sleep it off.
Nights like these, I wonder if having an owner would make my life easier, or harder.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I miss...

Being able to buy milk and bread.
Falling asleep in the arms of someone who Loves me.
The feeling of a 5 mile hike.
Rebecka.
Music.
The smell of Gram's house.
A quickie at lunch.
My high school math teacher.
My Father.
Flirting.
Studying.
Fresh raspberries.
Holy Cow.
The sound of rain on a tin roof.
The smell of a man... and a woman.
4H shakes.
My true Love.
Catching rabbits.
My rose garden.
The Hudson.
The roof of Textor Hall.
Days without pain.

Vision

A little about me...

I have to admit my head swells a little when I see that someone who has thousands of people circling them and only a few hundred in their circles has me as one of them. Not only one of them, but they talk to me and pay attention to what I write!

I don't think of myself as someone that special. I'm just a a nobody in the middle of a nowhere town with nothing very unique about my life. And yet, I have attracted the attention of movers and shakers in our little community... how is that possible?!

The answer is that these people see something different in not just me, but the World around them, than I do... than most of us do. They see what it is and what it can be and draw out that potential. This is their gift! They have the ability to make great changes in their World because of what they see.

I hope to learn how to do this

Monday, December 26, 2011

Weird?

One of the things I'm starting to understand about myself is I don't understand the meaning of the words "stop", "quit", or "give up".

I don't know if this is a good thing.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Love and Depression

One of the things that was especially hard for my husband to deal with was my depression. He seemed to believe that there was something he could or should be able to do about it (so did I, but that's another story). He didn't seem to understand that if I couldn't stop myself from being depressed, there was no way he was going to be able to. But he loved me, and hated not only seeing me in pain, but he hated what my pain was doing to our relationship... he wanted it to stop for both of our sakes.

In the end, when I couldn't stop being depressed for love or money, he left (this isn't the only reason, but it's in the top 3).

Even at the time I knew that the only way that we could have survived was if he loved me enough to let me be in pain. He had to find the supports he needed to let me go through what I needed to go through in order to get out of the depression. I needed to get to the point where I didn't care about the depression any more, so I would start doing the things that eventually pulled me out of it. Basically, I needed to get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Doing this would have required a complete change in how our relationship worked. This was terrifying for both of us, but especially for him. It would have required each of us to let the other take care of themselves and us to focus on our own individual needs rather than each others. It required a level of trust that we didn't have, but I believe (to this day) we could have developed. It required reaching outside of the little unit we had created and bringing outsiders in to see the mess we were making so we could get help cleaning it up.

He wasn't strong enough to do that (and it takes the strength of Gods to watch someone you love go through this and let them). Instead he got hurt and angry that I was doing this to our family. He slowly started blaming me for my depression, believing that if I really wanted to stop it I could. He left because of his fear, pain and anger... nothing more.

Years later I began to understand something else. If he had not been willing to leave, I might never have recovered from my depression. It was my having to stand on my own two feet again that forced me to pull myself out of my depression. To seek at all costs ways to get myself out of the pit I had been living in most of my life (not because I wanted to be there, but because I didn't know how to get out).

After he left, I did all of the things that I never could have done in my marriage (partly because they terrified my husband). I went to meetings. I took anti-depressants. I slept too much and too little. I stopped doing laundry for weeks only to find myself naked one morning. I ate foods that were completely unhealthy for me because it was the only thing I could get in my mouth. I saw counselors. I lived in my PJs for months at a time. I had sex with people I barely knew just so I could feel something other than the blackness. I stopped showering. I sat in the rain. I read until I couldn't keep my eyes open.

I talked about killing myself... a lot.

I made new friends. I told them everything. I pulled my blackness out into the light and made myself and those around me look at it.

I stopped staring at it, and started to look away.

Slowly, I stopped looking at it, and started to only glance at it once in a while.

I still struggle with what I now know is PTSD and depression, but I'm off my drugs (and have been for years now), I have far more good days than bad, and I know how to deal with the bad days (with or without help).

I know that there was nothing that my Ex-husband could have done to make my situation better. I also know that he loved me and that is why he did the things he did. My only wish is that he could see and share in the end results that he was so instrumental in me achieving.

Visions

I thought my visions had stopped. I haven't had one happen in years and now, last night in fact, I had one of them happen... or at least start to.

I have such mixed feelings about these. Part of me has missed them. I've felt like I've been walking around missing an arm or something. Yet part of me dreads them. They are never good news and I can never do anything to change them.

Friday, December 23, 2011

The Universal Circle

A dear friend just confided in me that someone they love is struggling with some very similar things to what I was going through when we parted ways almost a decade ago. Except this time, they can't just walk away from the problem, they have a very vested interest in the situation.

Suddenly I understand why I have to be a part of their life right now, and why they have expressed so much guilt about having left all those years ago. It is all starting to make sense... and I hate it.

I hate it because it isn't fair (THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT! IT'S NOT FAIR!!). I hate that once again I have to sit around and watch someone I love struggle and be in pain while I do nothing (nothing useful anyway).

And yet even as I type this I am seeing the lessons that we both have to learn here. And how even though we aren't learning them the way we were intended to, we are once again having to learn them together.

I need to learn that the Universe gives me what I need, no more, no less. If I'm not being given the things I want, there is good reason for it. I need to learn that my Love is not nothing. Like all of my other emotions it is a powerful force of nature that can change the world around me to meet my deepest desires. I have to learn, that my desires aren't always the best thing for everyone else.Some times, the Universe has bigger and better plans...

So tell me Great and Powerful Universe, what do you have planned for me today?

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Yule

A very Blessed Yule to You and Yours with all of My Love

Pretty Pic I found on the Web

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Love of My Life

I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I've ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours.

~ From The Notebook



Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Friendship

For a while now, I've been terrified about being the kind of friend I am naturally for everyone else in the world because of the person I was for one particular person. I have worried that I would hurt them without meaning to and ruin the very fragile relationship we are forming now (or worse).

That stops NOW!

I can only be who I am and let them be who they are. I am only responsible for myself and my actions. For that reason, if I don't give everything to this person that I would give to everyone else, than I am failing myself as well as them.

They deserve better from me.

I deserve better from me.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

My ED story (The Good Parts)

When I was very young, about 9, I stopped eating. At the time I was an average kid. Maybe a little taller than most and maybe a little thinner, but healthy in every way. But my family didn't agree. They believed that I was getting (or would get) fat and told me things like "If you keep eating like that no one will marry you. No one wants to marry a fat pig" and "You know it really isn't healthy to eat so often. You really only need to eat once or twice a day". Being a child (who was at the time also being raped, beaten and emotionally abused... but that's all another story) I believed them. Some times, I still do.

So I stopped eating, and I learned to look at my hunger as weakness and the flesh on my body as deplorable.

Between the age of 9 and 18 I gained less than 20lbs and over a foot in height. I developed a heart murmur, my menstrual cycle was all out of wack, and I had a permanent tremor that got so bad at times I couldn't hold a fork to eat.

I saw these things as signs of my success, and the people around me all supported me in killing myself with hunger.

The bones in my hips protruding were beautiful. The bruises that covered my body (due to iron deficiencies) were wonderful. Passing out after standing up was a sign that I was becoming the perfect woman.

I would be loved! I would have the family that I had dreamed of! I would be good enough!

I have one person to thank for me not ending up dead and for being able to go through the next almost 20 years of recovery. The man that I dated in high school. He was the first person since I was a child who cared less about what I looked like than about the person who lived in my body. Not to say that a teenage boy didn't care about my body (again, that's another story ;-) ), but he talked to me. He in a million little ways let me know that as long as I was there and healthy, he was happy.

IT WAS THE FIRST TIME ANYONE HAD TREATED ME THAT WAY!

It was a revelation to me! So I started on the extremely long, slow and hard journey to be someone better. Someone who would live to be old and gray with this amazing person who loved me just for me!

I started making terrifying choices (like gaining weight) and getting out of the little shell I had put myself in so I could learn what it meant to be healthy. When years later a boyfriend told me he wasn't attracted to me because I was fat (at 30lbs under weight), it was his problem, not mine and I left him.

I still have so far to go with this, but it is happening. I am a healthy weight for the first time in my life and I can eat a meal without thinking I'm a bad/ weak/ fat person. For me, these things are miracles!

In a lot of ways, that is exactly what they are.

Compassion

Keep in mind the many beings who are suffering in the same way as you are, and pray that your suffering may absorb theirs and that they may be liberated from all suffering. In this way, illness can teach us compassion. ~Kyabje Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche


The quote and picture above and the picture passed through my G+ stream this morning and I haven't been able to take my mine off of them since. As a child I was rape by my Mother's Father for almost a decade. I saw this as an ok situation because he left my sister alone. It wasn't until he started going after her that I took steps to force him to stop and to pay for his actions. I was 11.

To this day, the only thing that makes that situation tolerable is the knowledge that she doesn't wake up screaming at night because of the memories.

This is only one example of the things I have experienced in my life. With each of them my only wish has been that "because I am going through this, please don't make anyone else". To date, my wish hasn't been granted, but I still hope.

If I could stop the women of the world from being raped, I would spend the rest of my days being destroyed again and again. If I could keep the worlds children from starving, I would never eat again. If I could keep the worlds old from ending their lives homeless and alone, I would move into a cardboard box and never speak to another living soul.

Why? Because I know how strong I am. I know that there is nothing in this world that can destroy me. I also know this isn't true for everyone... or even most people, and I have seen what these events do to them. I have seen Mothers turn cold and angry words on their children. Fathers beat their sons. Children kill themselves because they don't believe they have anything to live for.

More than anything else in my life, I want these things to stop.

I want the needless pain to end.

I want there to be love.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Tears

I'm trying to teach myself how to cry again. Cry for joy, or sadness, or pain, or love, or Hallmark... just cry because it's what I'm feeling at that moment and not hide it because I make a funny face, or I'm embarrassed, or because "I have nothing to cry about".

I'm not liking it. It feels uncomfortable and awkward... as all change does. Some times people look at me funny, or avoid me because I'm making this change. It's just a little thing, but it can make the world of difference.

  Thank you to Sharon Wright for making this beautiful film

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Also...

I hate that I have such a knack for impossible relationships. I'm in Love with a man who's married, doesn't know I exist (ok, he knows I exist, just not that way and that's a good thing), and wouldn't get involved with me even if the first two things weren't true (you'll just have to take my word that I know this is a fact)!
Every time he emails me, or contacts me, I can't think straight. I have to will myself to back away from him and stay... not cold... distant. I'm terrified of messing up his happy home by in some way letting him know how I feel.
And yet I can't bring myself to just cut off contact. I know how much it hurts to have someone you think of as a friend do that (I believe they do think of me as a friend) and I'm just not willing to do that to someone else.
UGH!
Why do I suck *so* much!?

Cranky

I hate when I get like this. I'm oversensitive and cranky and I start crying every time I turn around. I know that it's going to pass, but in the mean time, it would be wonderful if I had someone to pet my hair and tell me I'll be ok.

Oddly, this image is from an article about "how to turn off the waterworks" :-P

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Sharing

So I had "one of those talks" with a friend today. You know the ones where you tell them the thing that you're terrified will cause them to run screaming. Yeah, that one. They haven't known me long and so don't know my history. Part of me hates this part of my friendships. I feel like I'm hanging a sign around my neck that says "Look at ME! I'm a Rape Survivor!" But each time that I tell someone, even in the most superficial way (leaving out the gory details of the events themselves as I did today), I also feel like it is less true.

Gah!

I'm not making any sense.

What I'm trying to say is that the sign is less there each time I tell someone. It's as if my Rapes aren't as big of a deal and don't define me as much as they have in my past. In a lot of ways they have defined me. I have lost friendships and lovers because of them. I have hurt people because of them. I have hurt myself because of them. So if I can stop doing those things by being more open about my Rapes, then I feel like I owe it to myself and the people I love to share about them.

The hard part is choosing people who won't use the information against me or to hurt me, and I suck at that. Part of me knows that my "suckyness" is because of the things I have lived through and it will just take time for me to learn how to trust people (and more importantly myself) again. And part of me doesn't care... I want it NOW! I want to know that the people I tell aren't going to run away and leave me to deal with these things by myself all over again. I want to know that they aren't going to Rape me too. I want to know that they won't twist these events into "you asked for it" or "why did you let this happen".

I want to be all better.

Taking these little steps and letting myself trust people in small ways I think will get me there. All I have to do is be patient with myself.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Loves

Short one tonight since I'm posting from my phone.

Why is it people believe you can only "Love" one person at a time... or at all!?

I have never understood this thinking. It has destroyed more than one of my relationships which as far as I'm concerned makes it bad.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Date

So I met this guy for lunch yesterday. We had first met each other online and emailed back and forth for a bit. He's my age, the pictures of him didn't look awful, stable job... and then we met.

Between the dental hygiene that was seriously lacking, his inability to hold a conversation, and his self imposed shut-in status, I couldn't get away fast enough.

The guy has lived in the town that I moved to 16 years ago since he was 3... 3! and he has no idea about what activities are around for him to do (of which there are MILLIONS). He's lived with the same 2 people for the last 18 years and while this isn't so bothersome, the fact that when he left the apartment he was sharing with them to buy a house he felt the need to take them along because "we have been living together so long why change"

WHY CHANGE?!

I don't know, maybe just to see if you could find someone you wanted to spend you life with rather than flatmates! Or just to see if you could!

*sigh*

I keep thinking about a palm reading I had done while in college (which I don't honestly know if I believe or not). The reader said I would have 3 loves in my life. I know I married one, but obviously he didn't feel the same way about me as I did about him. I believe I know who the other two were... but again, they didn't feel the same way about me. So is that it then? I have had my shot at the family I dreamed of having a a child and I failed? Or have I yet to meet my other two loves?

Or is this all just bullshit and if I just give up and appreciate what I have I'll be happy no matter who I'm with or what my relationship status is... that feels most right.