Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Daughter

My parents split when I was young. Dad moved out on my 13th birthday because my mother gave him an ultimatum that he couldn't live up to. I hated him for that... for far too long. My father was a good man who just didn't know how to do it differently than he was. He made mistakes with us that I couldn't forgive and because of that, I wasn't with him when he died.

Now, I don't know how to forgive myself.

I grieve for our lost relationship and the good man that never knew how loved he was. If I have any prayer, it is that he knows now what I never had the strength to tell him in life.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Health and Wellness

The last few weeks have been filled with little things that have made life a lot harder to deal with. Nothing major has happened (thankfully) but it has worn me out quite a bit. Yesterday was the proof (as if I needed any) that I need to slow down and take better care of myself.

I have a cold.

For me, catching a cold is the biggest neon sign of all that I have been working myself too hard and not spending enough of my time focused on my own heath and wellness. Why you may ask? Because I don't get sick.

Between the Fibromyalgia, Eating Disorder, and PTSD I'm not exactly what you could call healthy, but things like the common cold and stomach bugs always pass me by... unless I'm stressed. I don't mean "I'm having a bad day" stress, or "I'm moving next weekend" stress. I mean the never ending, all consuming, "please for the love of all that is holy make this stop" stress.The kind that makes you cry when you see that you are out of milk.

That has been this month for me.

So now I'm sick, and if I want it to go away some time in the next month, I had better stop what I'm doing and whip up some chicken soup. Time to put my focus back where it belongs.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving

Today is a mixed bag for me. It marks the end of my "Trilogy of Pain" (my rape, Dad's death anniversary and Thanksgiving day, the day he died) and it is a day when I try to focus on the people I am thankful for in my life. The beings that have made it possible for me to make it this far. Those are my family, though they share no blood bond with me and I don't see them as often as I would like.

For You I am Thankful


From Left to Right: Dad, Gram, Trixie, Me, and Mom (Chrissy on the way)

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Pay Attention!

So to recap...

Last Wednesday (which was the 3 year anniversary of my rape) Mya was brushed by the groomer until she bleed causing her injury to her rear left leg. Thankfully there is no long term damage, but she had to be shaved which for a snow dog going into winter is like a death sentence (or frost bite at the very least).

Friday I fell injuring my right ankle and bruising most of the rest of my body hours before my Thanksgiving dinner which I had to cancel because I was in the emergency room. I don't know yet how much damage has been done to my ankle, I'm going to the orthopedic surgeon today to find out, but something just doesn't feel right when I try to walk on it.

Saturday I developed a stomach bug and spent the weekend vomiting (and Mya started to as well on Sunday).  For a recovering anorexic, this is the worst illness to have. You feel like shit (because you're sick) but you never want it to stop (because you have an excuse to not eat and are losing weight). Thankfully by Monday I was able to keep down saltines and ginger ale and by Tuesday was eating normally again but stomach bugs always scare me.

Last night (which is 4 years since Dad died) while cooking dinner I splashed hot butter up my right hand on to my wrist giving myself 2nd degree burns right where I rest my hand for all of my computer work. Since last night they looked black and I was sure I was going to lose skin because of them I guess I should be happy, but right now they still hurt too much.

This doesn't take into consideration my Fibromyalgia which has been in such overdrive I have been sitting at the desk at work crying whenever there weren't people there to see me.

Ever get the feeling the Universe is trying to tell you something? Like FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS FUCKING HOLY STOP ALREADY BEFORE I HAVE TO KILL YOU!

Nah, me either

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Single

The very large vast majority of the time I really do like being single. I was in a relationship with one person or another from the time I was 15 until my husband left me when I was 28 and at this point, being alone is a bit of a blessing.

Don't get me wrong, I loved the partners I had during those years and they were (and still are I imagine) amazing people, but if I had to go back to any of them *shiver* NO! THANK! YOU!

There are however ~some~ draw backs to my blissful single life. For example, having injured my ankle I now can't walk without crutches. This makes walking Mya impossible. She has had to do with running in the yard on her lead with me kinda hopping around behind her praying that I don't fall and hurt my other leg. The fact that I developed a stomach flu the day after I injured my ankle makes the whole thing that much harder to deal with.

In theory, if I was in a relationship, I would have someone who could pick up the slack while I recovered from my injuries and illnesses... in theory. But to be honest, that wasn't my experience with my (live-in) relationships. For the most part, no matter what condition I was in, I still had to take care of them.

And it is this fact, more than any single other, that keeps me from having any interest in having another relationship. The knowledge that if I get involved with someone I will attract someone who needs a mommy (more because of who I am, than because of who they are) and when I need to be taken care of will end up caring for not just myself but both of us.

It is my hope that some day I will grow up to the point where I will stop needing to take care of the world and will be able to let someone in who can take care of me too. Then maybe I can have a real relationship.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Drugs Bad! Beer Good!

So, I fell and hurt my ankle yesterday. I don't know how badly yet because the only thing the people at the ER were willing to say was that it isn't broken. Which is good, I think, but doesn't mean that there is no damage and given the amount of pain that has set in to spite the drugs I'm on I'm guessing there is at least some. So it is off to the orthopedic surgeon with me as soon as I can get in to see them. Given that Thanksgiving is this week, I'm not hopeful that it will be soon.

In the mean time I'm on my own to keep things from hurting and getting worse. The ER did give me some pain killers, which helps with my ankle (but does nothing for my Fibromyalgia which is screaming at this point), but the side effect are so bad that I really *hate* taking them. I can't think straight and feel tired all the time. I'm pretty much useless if I'm on them. Not to mention that most drugs that are out these days haven't been around that long, so we don't really know what their effects are long term.

This is the problem I have with most drugs. Their side effects are so bad I just won't take them so what good are they?

And than there is alcohol. Ok, the effect are short term and if I drink too much I have the same problems with it that I have with any other drug, but I *know* what it is doing to me. One glass of wine and I feel no pain (from my ankle *or* my fibro) but don't turn into the walking idiot that the pain killers turn me into. Add to that the health benefits of alcohol and that it has been around forever and I have to say, mostly I feel better about having a beer to dull my pain than taking a pill... but that's just me.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

I took Puppy out for her evening walk and it was snowing. A surprise for me, a very pleasant one at that.

These snows remind me of when I was deeply in Love with someone who was deeply in Love with me and we used to walk in the snow together, or some times just stand in it holding each other snuggled as close as we could get for warmth. I remember looking up at the sky and watching the snow as it would dance and swirl. It was like magic. The cold. The warmth. The closeness. The vastness. It would all mix together to create this perfect space and time that I can never forget.

I would feel such Peace at those times.

I still feel that same Peace when I see the snow falling in these slow waves from the sky. The flakes dance around me and though I no longer have that person in my life, I feel that Love for them all over again and send it out to them. I hope at those times, they feel it and know they are Loved.

Blah

One of the really exciting things about having PTSD and Fibromyalgia is never knowing how you'll feel when you wake up in the morning... I'm kinda not kidding about that.  Today I'm in so much pain my clothes are hurting me and I keep flinching to "get away from the pain" that I can't get away from. The PTSD has me terrified of... well... life really and convinced that I'm not going to make it.

I'm starting to take it as a challenge to not let my physical pain or my head space stop me from enjoying the little things in life. Things like a good cup of tea or the way Mya's fur feels now that she is all clean. If I can still be aware that I love those little things, then as the day goes on, I become more and more aware of how great my life really is. The pain doesn't stop and I'm still in a crap head space, but my life doesn't suck. In fact, the pain isn't such a big deal and my head space is something I can deal with.

Today I finished up the paper work to close the account that was connected to David. I'm still so angry that he made this whole thing so hard for both of us. For someone who walked out, he sure had a funny way of leaving. I keep trying to remember that hurt people hurt people, but I have a hard time having sympathy for him. Unlike other people I have been involved with, he knew what he was getting into. He choose to anyway. Then he thought that he could just walk out and that would make me go away?! *sigh* At least its over now... or will be in about 10 days. It will be like he never existed in my life... at least on paper.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Other End

So, I made it. I'll be heading off to bed soon, hopefully to sleep, and today wasn't half as awful as I expected it to be... though that might be because I spent yesterday venting about it, but I'm ok with that. What matters is that I did it. I didn't have to hide in the house or spend the day in fear for my life. I just had a day, just like any other Wednesday.

Ok, so I was stressed and I lost my temper a little more easily than I might normally... but all things considered, that's normal.

The idea of me writing my rape book was brought up again. I have all sorts of ideas about what I would want to say in it, but who would want to read it? Even the people who are a part of my life and care about me don't know how to handle this stuff and have *every single time* run off when I have opened up to them about it. What good could something like that do for the rest of the world?

Maybe I should try to write it just for me. Just knowing what I would have wanted and being able to "talk" about what happen might be good for me... and of course, there is Kaiya. Some part of me feels like I need to write this for her more than for me.

I started today out with the knowledge that today would be a good day, and it was, though not easy. Tomorrow will be too, but it will be easier.

The Day

So today is the day. I didn't sleep very well last night, but I usually don't (does one ever get used to being an insomniac?) so that doesn't mean much. To spite that, I'm in good spirits. I'm looking forward to what today holds and all of the wonderful things that will happen. My friends have all been great and very supportive about today being hard for me and I have the day off from work so I'm going to spend it with a friend doing things that I enjoy.

I'm feeling a little "down the rabbit hole" about today... very quantum ;-)

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

November 16th 2008

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my rape. I wish I could say I felt strong and sure of myself. That after all of the things that I have gone through and accomplished that tomorrow will be easy, but it isn't. I wish with all of my heart that I had someone here to comfort me and make it better. To help me see once again that I wasn't a victim that night, I was a survivor. To remind me that there was not a single thing I could have done differently... I did it all just right.

Tomorrow I will spend the day taking care of Mya and with a dear friend. I will enjoy every moment that I can and cry when I can't. I won't beat up on myself for not being over this... yet. I will do more than just survive. I will take my life back with Passion and Love.

This will be my Vengeance.