I know I have a lesson to learn from today's reading, but I'm not ready to hear it. These are my current thoughts...
Growing up (like so many others have shared) I was teased and ridiculed for sharing my emotions, most especially when I shared them through tears.
I was told to not cry at funerals because I had to be strong for others present. As though my tears were a weakness to be hidden from the world, or would make others weak if they even saw me crying.
I was told not to "cry over spilled milk". As if my feelings about an event didn't count just because the event was over.
I was laughed at when I cried in joy. As if it was strange to be that happy.
I was yelled at for crying alone. As if crying is so bad that even if no one saw me it still wasn't acceptable.
What I learned...
It is not safe to cry in front of others because they will shun me as weak and strange. It is pointless to cry because crying changes nothing. It is ridiculous to cry alone, that is only self pity.
Now, crying causes me pain. I fight that cleansing, healing act so hard that it must be ripped from my body with the force of my overwhelming emotions.
I know this isn't healthy for me. I know there is a better way. I don't know how to get there... YET. I believe that with the help of the EA steps, and the love and support of my Higher Power, I can and will get the gift of crying back.