Tuesday, August 24, 2010


"If you enter into healing be prepared to lose everything. Healing is a ravaging forced to which nothing seems sacred or inviolate. As my original pain releases itself in healing, it rips to shreds the structures and foundations I built in weakness and ignorance. Ironically and unjustly, only I can pay the price of having lived a lie. I'm experiencing the bizarre miracle of reincarnation, more lucidly than at birth, in the same lifetime."
~ 'Courage to Heal' by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis

Sunday, August 22, 2010


The Leo slave is the most assertive, spontaneously creative and extroverted of all the zodiacal slave characters. In grandeur of manner, splendor of bearing and magnanimity of personality, they are the most majestic and proud of all slaves. They are ambitious, courageous, strong willed, positive, independent, and self-confident. There is no such word as "doubt" in their vocabularies
They are uncomplicated, needing to know exactly what their master wants of them and then using all their energies, creativity and resolution to make it happen, as well as being certain that they will be able to accomplish whatever they are told to do
Leonian slaves think and act bigger than others would normally dare; their ambitiousness and idealism sometimes astonishes their master, and their practical hardheadedness and ability to go straight to the heart of any problem reassures him. If Leonian slaves meet with setbacks they thrive on the adversity.
The Leonine slave is open, sincere, genuine and extremely trusting of her master. Outgoing, spontaneously warm hearted and plain spoken, though never lacking in kindliness, they are more disillusioned than the average slave if let down by the master they trusted. They are not good judges of character and are inclined to an exaggerated faith in a master which too often ends in disappointment.
They have an unlimited sex drive and can be so intensely sexual as to be almost depraved in their lust, yet they are sincere and generous in their sexual service.
They tend to strive for attention in obvious ways and seek to impress their master with their accomplishments. They are not hungry so much for his simple praise as wanting to truly astound him by successfully performing beyond his wildest dreams, frequently even embellishing on his original orders in trying to improve on them.
Their greatest challenge is to learn a humbleness of spirit, and to submit to his way of doing things rather than taking over and revising orders as they see fit.


The Protector
As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.
INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.
INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.
INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.
But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.
Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential.
INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves -there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.
INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.
In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.
The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.
Jungian functional preference ordering:
Dominant: Introverted Intuition
Auxilliary: Extraverted Feeling
Tertiary: Introverted Thinking
Inferior: Extraverted Sensing


Negativism can lead me astray faster than anything else I know of. It is so easy for me to catch this virus of negativity. The germs surround me. If people around me are in a pessimistic mood, it is contagious to me. Then the negativity leads to depression, which in turn leads to self-pity and all the other diseases which follow. When I hear myself say, "I can't," "I shouldn't," or "It is a rotten day," I have to alert myself to the possibility of a major epidemic of symptoms and pain. I must remove myself from the negative atmosphere. I must speak with someone who is positive, and I must think positive thoughts. With concentration and effort I can cure the virus.
Position me on the positive path and push me in that direction.
Negativity makes me ill, positivity keeps me healthy.

Saturday, August 21, 2010


"The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration. "
~ Pearl S. Buck

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


I'm supposed to be doing some writing on how I coped with the abuse from my childhood both when it was happening and today.
I'm honestly terrified.
I've done really well at shoving all of that down inside so deep that I never have to think about it. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
The assignment wants me to focus on how I did well with my coping skills. Recognize that I was in an impossible situation and that I did the best that I could. To treat myself with of love.
How do I do that? I don't love myself!
And how do I drag up any part of my past without bringing all of it with that part? Without going crazy?
The assignment says to write continuously for half an hour and then put it down. I'm not to beat up on myself or to treat myself badly. I'm to respect what I did to survive, because I am a survivor. I'm going to do my best.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Things to Remember

"I really am healing, and it's the sweetest feeling I have ever known... to be whole."
~I deserve this feeling~
~ I was -and am- innocent~

Monday, August 16, 2010


I'm grateful I have friends who can help me laugh when all I want to do is curl into a ball and die by calling me a blind, black, midget, transvestite, with 2 fingers... Thank you Talyn

Saturday, August 14, 2010

My past, Thank yous and Pity party

First, I want to thank everyone who offered their support for the journey I'm embarking on right now.
This past week has been full of low blows for me and at this point I'm in the middle of a major pity party. I'm in pain, exhausted, and feeling very overwhelmed. At this point I don't even know how to HALT.
Because of all that has been going on, I put down my "past work" for a little while. Today I'm getting back on the horse again.
Goddess, grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I can not Change; the Courage to Change the things I can; and the Wisdom to know the Difference

Friday, August 6, 2010

My past

Today, I start confronting the abuse that destroyed my childhood, drove my husband away and haunts my every waking moment full force and head on with every tool at my command. And while I have one of the most amazing support networks, I know that for this task I will need more.
So I am coming to you, my beloved EA loop, to beg you to reach out to me. Not just today, but tomorrow and next week and for weeks to come. I will attempt to isolate myself in my pain, anger and confusion. Tell myself that I don't deserve to be heard, soothed or loved. Please don't let me.
Please hold me, laugh with me, cry with me, and yell with me until I hear that very small and quite voice that says "It isn't your fault and I love you"
Please don't let me push you away because I'm scared of trusting you. I need to trust you, but I won't do it without a fight. My trust has been used and abused too often for me to give it freely right now.
Lastly, I want to thank you all. I have never met, or talked to most of you, but I have come to respect all of you through the stories you have all so willingly shared with me. They give me hope and strength when I thought I had run out.