Monday, June 14, 2010

Altruism

Being altruistic does not mean totally rejecting our own interest or neglecting ourselves, this is a misunderstanding. In fact, the kind of altruism that focuses on the well-being of others arises from a very courageous mind, an expansive attitude and a strong sense of self confidence - so much so that the person is capable of challenging the self-cherishing and self-centeredness that tends to rule our lives.
~Dalai Lama~

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Kennel Cough

Trying not to panic about Mya. Everything I've read suggest that with proper rest she has a good chance of over coming this with no problem. Essentially she has a cold.
But Kaiya is lurking at the back of my brain. I can't help but think of her.
Mya is starting to do things that would imply she's improving, coughing up phlegm and getting pissy with me for not taking her out. For now I'll have to cling to that.

A letter to my Owner

Slavery sticks in my throat.
Admitting that I want to be possessed utterly is something that I am not sure I can say out loud with any real conviction
I don't want to whine about my childhood, I don't want to bitch endlessly about being hurt and misunderstood...but I don't want to because I don't believe anyone gives a shit. I don't believe anyone really wants me to need them the way that I need them
I learned the game. I play the game. I am aloof and sullen and angry and I don't let people know that every nuclei of every fucking cell in my body is pulling me toward them like gravity I pretended I didn't need them because they can't handle the level of my need. They feel oppressed. They feel smothered. They run away and find something easy.
So I stopped
I made myself cool and arrogant and I turned the world into no big deal. It's not important, really...you don't have to run away. Just stay with me because I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't know if anyone else will even put forth the tiny effort you are putting forth to deal with me.
So you're better than nothing because you tell me you love me and you hug me a lot even though I know it's because deep down you feel as dead as I do
Then after 7 years of feeling like I wasn't really there...that ended. He found something even easier and it was easy to let me drift away and I did because I had nothing to hold on to.
I listed off into an online world where no one knew that I was staring at the screen, unblinking, needing with every fiber of my body a reply, a validation from some stranger who found me interesting. And always, I kept that distance. I waited the appointed amount of time before hitting send. I only made first contact roughly 30% of the time... because need isn't attractive.
It felt like desperation
I wandered into crushes because I loved the feeling of falling so deeply into my emotions. It always happened, and I felt safe behind the screen. I could keep them from seeing just how raw I was
When I met you, I was looking for another emotional fix after having been prematurely kicked out of my last one. I needed that surge of emotion. I whispered to you because we had talked before and I was craving attention. I was always craving attention and I called you that first night because I so fucking needed it. I needed to be wanted, even if only superficially.
You didn't truly catch my attention until I broke a promise. I lost a silly dare and my punishment was that I had to write. It was stupid but you had asked me what I was willing to give and that had been my answer. I didn't believe you'd ever care about seeing anything I wrote. So I lost the dare. I wrote a poem the same night and then I never sent it. I never sent it because to send it would mean that you would know that I put effort into it. You would know I cared about something. It terrified me to be unmasked as someone who cared. As someone who got hurt.
Look at me from the outside!
Nothing phases me!
I can tell what you're feeling by glancing at you, but I will only use it to get what I want in the end. I will only manipulate you so you'll never see how much I love you.
How much everything fucking affects me!
You won't see me cry unless I want it to make you bleed
Until then. Until you and your fucking chinese water torture mind. Your prying insistence and unaffected patience. Until I pranced and danced and laid traps for you at every corner and you laughed at me and called me on every bluff.
Until I saw that you were learning me and learning ME!
You disregarded my bullshit and ignored my crocodile tears and pushed me and pushed me until I cracked and then you sat quietly while I picked up my shattered shells and delicately prodded the thinner weaker shells beneath. I could almost hear you thinking "Now that wasn't so bad, was it?"
I feel raw.
I feel raw! I am baring myself to the full blaze of my insecurities and the 20-some-odd years of pretending I didn't need anything.
I am still scared of putting my ful weight on you. I feel like I am testing you at the same time you are molding me. I am breaking down bit by bit before you and watching you closely for any signs of strain while you bear the full heft of what I need
Oh god I need you to make it!
I don't want time to settle in. I don't want you to ease me into anything. I want you to take from me this fucking weight of the self-control I've been dragging around. I want to be feral and crazed and I want to be able to give in to the utter abolishment of this sociopathic automaton that I have created to keep me away from the sheer volume of feeling
I want you to understand that I may fight. I have to fight. I have to battle you for this because you need to win. If you won't fight me, you have to walk away. I cannot deal with the chance that one day I might push you too hard because I am flawed by creation and by experience and by my own damned hand and I am just so insane that I will suddenly believe that you are taking advantage of me and I need to make you earn my respect again.
You can't be unwilling to hurt me, because without those boundaries I feel lost and I will sometimes run headlong into the wall because I want to feel it there. But understand, at my core, I want nothing more desperately than to give everything and to have it accepted and cherished.
This is beyond blowjobs and pancakes in bed and waiting naked for you to return from work. This is me entwining myself with you for the rest of my life. This is me feeding from your power and offering you the sum of my existence in return. All of my talents, my strengths, my foibles, my jokes, my weaknesses and scuff marks are yours. All I ask is, that I can give up this charade of independence. I want to put it down once and for all and live forever in that goddamn empyrean that exists between my ears when I know you are in control.
When I know that, you claim me.
I've been wanting to write this missive for weeks. This once and final signing over of myself to you because I felt that the gentle, slow way you've been taking over the reigns needed a definite and concrete end. I never planned on writing it this morning and I never had any idea what it would say. This is a work of passion and something that I've written through about 5 crying jags. I am out of tissue and working my way back up to a less squishy mental state, so I close with this: Love is not the word for what I feel for you. Devotion doesn't begin to cover what I'm prepared to offer. When you say this committment will be for life, I will counter with this committment will be my life I hope you really, really want me, because I am holding on to my self-control by the tips of my fingers and it's trying to run

Friday, June 11, 2010

Owner

A girl friend and her husband are taking a very special step in their relationship tomorrow, one that I have hoped and prayed I would be able to take with the person I loved. They are branding each other as a symbol of their lifetime commitment to each other. I'm so envious.
I'm also coming up on my wedding anniversary. That just makes me sad.
These two things have me feeling very alone and a little worthless and a lot sorry for myself.
I really want to just be happy for them and focus on that *sigh* Time to do the next right thing

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

So hard

Gee, I bet it was really hard for him to walk out on his disabled wife, only weeks after she had miscarried his child, and blame her for everything that was wrong with their relationship and tell her until she fixed it all he was never coming back.
I bet that was really tough on him...

CUZ IT WAS A FUCKING CAKE WALK FOR ME!!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

What to do?

So, I've been on disability for almost 4 years now. Finally my doctors are all saying its ok for me to go back to work/ school.
The problem is I'm terrified. I'm scared that if I try I'm going to fail and end up back where I am, or worse than I am now. It helps that they have told me I can only do 10 hours at a time, letting me get back into things slowly, but I'm still nervous.
The next fear is, what do I do? Do I just go back to secretarial work (which bores the hell out of me but pays the bills)? Do I go to school? And if I do, what for? My MAT, my PsyD? Both are good choices and I have the background to do either.
I'm just all confused and scared and just want someone to tell me what is best so I can do it.
Where is my Dom in shining armor when I need them?

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Angry

So a friend's birthday is tomorrow. I haven't known them long, but in the time that I have they have been extremely generous to me, and everyone I have seen them with.
Given their generosity towards others, I expected that the people who knew them best would have planned something to celebrate their lives and the joy they have given us, their friends.
Boy! Was I wrong!
Not only had no one planned anything, but they all seemed happy to let it pass without so much as a word.
How can this be? Are the people I associate with really so self absorbed and selfish?
I'm so angry about the whole thing.
I have sent an email telling everyone I could think of what I have planned, but I'm not expecting them to show. I'm only sorry I didn't realize they were this way before. Maybe I could have done things differently. :-/

Friday, June 4, 2010

Dreams

The other day I had a dream about my car being broken into. They took lots of things, but nothing of any value to anyone but me. They left the car (in shambles) even though there was a key in it.
When I woke from the dream I was terrified. I spent the rest of my day feeling like I had to watch over my shoulder.
What does that all mean?

Who am I?

There were always in me, two women at least, one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drowning and another who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair and present to the world only a smile, an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest.
~Anais Nin~