Sunday, May 23, 2010

Myself

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. 
~e.e. cummings, 1955~

Sunday, May 16, 2010

August 7, 1977... Sunday

Mondays child is fair of face
Tuesdays child is full of grace
Wednesdays child is full of woe
Thursdays child has far to go
Fridays child is loving and giving
Saturdays child works hard for his living
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Lonely

I thought I had found someone who I could turn to when I was feeling down and needed some comfort. It seems that I am mistaken. I have been attempting to contact them for days and have been unable to. I'm disappointed, but not surprised.
Now I'm trying to find ways to comfort myself and really struggling with it. I have struggled with this for years and still have no good solution. How do you get over the need to be held/ comforted when you're in pain?
Mya helps, but she is still too new to the house to really be "useful". Going out really doesn't help, I just feel more disconnected from the people around me.
*sigh*
Not sure what to do here. For now I'm going to watch a movie and breath

Friday, May 14, 2010

Where I want to be

This is a picture of me at 145lbs. This is the weight I want to get back to. Now I just need to get my ass in gear and do it

Monday, May 10, 2010

Mistakes

I have been taking care of dear friends' cats for the last few days. Today they came home and told me that their cat had gotten locked in the bathroom and looked like he had been there for a while.
I feel so stupid for having not noticed! I'm sure I saw him yesterday, but maybe I was mistaken. How could I have not looked for him!
The truth is I didn't look for him because I often don't see the cats while I'm there. I didn't pay attention to crying because one of them will often cry for no reason.
The truth is I did my best, even if it wasn't good enough.
I have apologized and offered to pay for any vet bills, that is all I can do for now. In the future I think I'll refuse to pet sit for them, at least until I'm sure I can give them my full attention.
Hopefully that is enough.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Mya

My new puppy is Mya. I'm scared to death that I have made a mistake by taking her on, but she seems happy here and I am determined to make this home everything she deserves.

Submissive's Owners Manual

I need to feel safe.
Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to you I need to feel safe and have reason to trust you. To let down my walls and give your control of my will may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after I've given myself to you fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with you. I may like to feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but I need to be sure no matter how you stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, I will remain safe in your care.
I need to know you accept me for all I am.
I will be many things to you as our relationship grows and I need to know you accept me as a person during each transition along the way. I need to know you accept me as a friend, lover, companion, and your submissive but also accept me as parent, child, employee, community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or society.
I need to have clearly defined limits.
I need to know exactly what you expect of me and know that you also understand my limits. In some ways I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can go and feel secure inside those limits. I need you to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without your approval
I need you to be consistent.
I need to know you mean what you say and that today's rules will apply to tomorrow's behavior. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that you've given me. From time to time I may test you to see if you are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path you've chosen for me. It's not done to try your patience but is my way of finding reassurance you are paying attention to my progress. Very often it's not done consciously and I promise I'll not use it as a method for provoking your negative responses
I need to expand my limits.
I need to grow and to be challenged. Left on my own, I'll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I've been. I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I'm unsure and need your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend on you for strength and encouragement to get beyond them
I need goals.
Part of my make-up as a submissive makes me very goal-oriented. I need them to measure my progress and need you to provide them for me. Take time to explain those goals in ways I can comprehend your plans concerning my growth as you're submissive. Without Your direction I quickly become lost so I'll look to you frequently to provide a purpose and aim as I continue in my development as a submissive
I need your approval and reassurance.
I need to know when you approve of me or what I've done and to know I belong to you even if I fall short of my goals. I sometimes confuse approval with disapproval when you do not provide positive reinforcement when you are pleased by my actions. I will constantly be seeking your approval when I'm unsure of myself and may need to rely deeply on your support and reassurance when I'm confused about a situation or apprehensive about a new challenge.
I need to be able to express myself.
I have a need to express both good and bad things to you but it may be difficult for me to put the negative things into words. I fear your rejection and hate disappointing you, so I may need a little space and time to voice all the things I need to say. You can help me by reassuring me that my feelings are valid, even if they aren't something you find pleasure in hearing. There may be times when I'm upset or angry with you but without freedom to express those feelings there can be only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that I can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or yours.
I need forgiveness when I fail you.
Nothing hurts me more than to know I've failed or displeased you and I need to be forgiven once I've made amends. It is very hard for me to forgive myself for a wrong- doing and I may need your help in getting beyond the feelings of remorse I am carrying. I may even need to be punished, if my wrong-doing was traumatic enough, in order to feel closure and accept forgiveness. I depend on you to make that determination for me and need your help in making an atonement that is acceptable to you
I need to feel I contribute.
I have a deep-set need to give and must have outlets for this need. My basic nature is to give of myself and you will be the primary recipient of my gifts. Allow me to contribute to our relationship and our life together. To do less will leave me unfulfilled and unneeded, a fate worse than death for me. Provide me with ways to contribute things to others, also. I may need to give of myself to those I hold dear but you will always receive the best I have to offer
I need to share with you.
Sharing with you is a compelling need and one of the cornerstones of my submissive nature. This includes the emotional and spiritual aspects of my being as well as the physical body I inhabit. It may be difficult for me to give you access to the deeper levels of my emotions and feelings but those are the things I need to share the most. I'll depend on you to direct me in ways I can achieve total openness with you. I also need to share in the things you are. Trust me enough to share in your fears, failures and struggles. I'll never see you as weak or incapable because you have shown confidence in me by giving part of yourself in trust
I need to feel loved, respected, and protected in your ownership.
No matter how well I've done or how miserably I've failed, I need to know I'm still loved and protected by you. Nothing will prevent me from trying new things like fear of losing your respect and love. By the reverse, nothing will encourage me to expand my limits and grow to be all I am capable of being more than knowing you will be there to protect me from harm and will love me even if I fall short of the target. I need to be loved and to love you in return.
I can't survive without it.
- Author Unknown -