Kaiya is sick, very sick. They don't know what is wrong and they don't know how to fix her. She MAYBE dying.
These thoughts keep circling in my head and becoming more painful with each rotation. It is killing me.
We are going in for more test tomorrow. If they don't find out what's wrong, can't fix it, cheaply, I have to put her down.
Then its over for me. She is the ONLY reason I have fought for as long and hard as I have. I won't do it anymore if I don't have her.
I won't make the mistakes I made last time. I live alone so no one will walk in on me. I've cut off from the locals, so they won't miss me. I won't call anyone to tell them good bye.
I'll clean the house. Close my accounts. Leave a nice neat pile of things for my family so they don't have to go looking for it. The picture of Kaiya for Cornell (Wendy English). Get rid of my journals and books ( no one needs to EVER see them).
I want to be cremated and buried here.
This isn't anyone else's fault or failure. It is mine. I couldn't live with this pain if I didn't have her with me. I am perfect in her eyes, even at my worst. She has been there for me when no one else could or would be.
She loves me.