Thursday, February 25, 2010


Eight short weeks ago I had detailed plans for how I was going to make 2010 a completely different year for myself...
Now I have detailed plans on how I'm going to kill myself.
Funny that don't you think?


Kaiya is sick, very sick. They don't know what is wrong and they don't know how to fix her. She MAYBE dying.
These thoughts keep circling in my head and becoming more painful with each rotation. It is killing me.
We are going in for more test tomorrow. If they don't find out what's wrong, can't fix it, cheaply, I have to put her down.
Then its over for me. She is the ONLY reason I have fought for as long and hard as I have. I won't do it anymore if I don't have her.
I won't make the mistakes I made last time. I live alone so no one will walk in on me. I've cut off from the locals, so they won't miss me. I won't call anyone to tell them good bye.
I'll clean the house. Close my accounts. Leave a nice neat pile of things for my family so they don't have to go looking for it. The picture of Kaiya for Cornell (Wendy English). Get rid of my journals and books ( no one needs to EVER see them).
I want to be cremated and buried here.
This isn't anyone else's fault or failure. It is mine. I couldn't live with this pain if I didn't have her with me. I am perfect in her eyes, even at my worst. She has been there for me when no one else could or would be.
She loves me.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


"There are 3 things in nature that know no moderation in goodness or in foulness. When they are governed by goodness they are most excellent in virtue. But when are corrupted there is no bottom to stay their hellward plunge...
The tongue
A priestly man
and a Woman"
-Orson Scott Card
"Hart's Hope"

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Kaiya is in pain from some unknown illness. I have injured my knees from trying to run/ exercise to get myself in shape. I'm broke.
I'm having a very hard time holding myself together through this. I keep thinking that I should do Kaiya and I both a favor and walk us out into traffic. But I can't do that to her.
I do know that if I have to put her down that is it for me. I refuse to fight this life for one more day if I loose her.
She is all I have and I won't put myself through that.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

This Year's To Do List

I decided at the beginning of this year that I am tired of living my life like this, and the only way it is going to change is if I make some major changes no matter what I'm feeling. Waiting to be "better" isn't going to get me the things that will make me happier. So, here is the list of things that I'm going to work on getting this year:
I want to go to London for 2 weeks at least
I want to have a baby
I want to go back to school and finish my education (went to VESID to try and get money to pay for it)
I want to buy a house (have the FSS savings)
I want to fit into my size 6 jeans and get hiking regularly again (started working out with puppy)
I want to learn to ice skate (started this one YAY!)
I want someone who can be my Dom, with luck, for the rest of my life (been dating a little to work on this one)
As I think of new things I'll add them to the list along with what I'm doing to get them.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


I had a pretty traumatic day today
In response, I evaluated what I needed figured out what I could do for myself versus what I needed help with, and asked people for help where it was needed. No one even responded to my request for help.
Now I'm feeling overwhelmed from the events of my day, isolated because I'm alone, ignored because no one responded to my request for help, worthless because my needs aren't being met even when I ask for the help.
Please Goddess, help me to have the serenity to accept this situation, the courage to keep asking for what I need (even if I don't get it), and the wisdom to know that my feelings aren't facts.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Her Morning Elegance


I made a choice a little over a year ago to not marry a man even though I loved him. About 6 months later he married someone else. Did I make the right choice?