Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Lazy

I get the feeling sometimes that people in my life don't think I DO anything because I'm not employed, I don't go to school, my scheduled things are pretty flexible most of the time...I'm getting the feeling that they think I'm lazy.

In a lot of ways this is my own fault. I don't share with people the work that I do because for the most part it is VERY depressing and makes me very upset to think about it. But what about the people that I'm closest to? I try to share this information with them, to explain to them that all day most everyday is a living HELL for me, but I don't think I'm making myself clear.

I'm terrified of everyone. I get very sad and feel rejected when people have to change their plans last minute on me. I feel small and useless most of the time and when I can't do something for someone I also feel over whelming guilt. I hate my body to the point that I can't feel it a lot of the time, and what I do feel from it is usually pain. I don't feel hunger most of the time because I have trained my body to not feel it. I literally see a morbidly obese woman when I look in the mirror, not I just "think" I'm fat. I crave physical contact with every breath of every day, and believe that makes me a bad and dirty person. I believe myself to be stupid beyond compare. I'm unwanted, unloved and I don't deserve to be because I AM that bad of a person...I am the Hitler of our times. I am cold, cruel and hurtful to everyone around me and if I wasn't around, they would have MUCH easier lives. I'm a jinks. Bad things happen in my life in ways that other people only have nightmares of and I truly believe that my soul reason for being on this planet is to suck up the pain that other people can't deal with so they don't have to.

It goes on like this. What it comes down to is these are the things that I fight against every time I wake up in the morning. They make it so going to the store to buy milk is a soul draining and mind freezing experience. If I have to deal with other people (because I can't let them know what is REALLY going on) its a million times worse.

I don't know if I have the strength to share this with my loved ones, but I do know that I don't have the strength to keep it to myself anymore.

1 comment:

  1. You are not Hitler, not of this time or this world or this universe. Hitler was Hitler. And jello is jello. Now if you want to be jello, I might be down with that, especially with cool whip on top. But, you can't be Hitler - even with cool whip.

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