Monday, June 29, 2009


I realized the other day that I'm not feeling these days. I have to work VERY hard to feel anything about my life. I have to work so hard at it that it seems to not be worth it. Its like watching a bad movie. I just don't care enough to get engaged with what's going on...*sigh*

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


For weeks now I have been in increasingly more pain from my fibro. I'm to the point now where the slightest touch makes me want to cry. Getting out to spend time the my friends is all but impossible and playing with my SOs at this point I think would kill me.

I don't know what to do about this and I'm in too much pain to think clearly about it. I know I need help, but I don't know what kind or how to get it. All I can think to do most of the time is try to sleep and hope I feel a little better when I wake up.


So father's day was this past Sunday and it killed me. I didn't want it to, but all I could think about was how I had failed my father in a million little ways. A good friend reminded me that there were two people in our relationship and that the "failures" go both ways, but it still hurts me to know that I couldn't be there for him when he needed me.

I still Love you Dad. I hope that some how you know that.

Monday, June 15, 2009


So I've finally figured out why it is that everyday seems a little bit worse than the day before. My PTSD is taking a little bit firmer hold with everyday that passes. My mood swings are crazy, I'm terrified of everyone and everything and I have no control over any of it.

I had more I wanted to say about this, but for right now I'm going to put it down and maybe I'll come back to it later

Saturday, June 13, 2009


So I've decided to take a chance and go to FL with my family. I'm not really sure how I feel about it yet, but I think its a good choice for me even if it goes badly. By giving it a chance, I'm giving the Universe a chance to give me the things that I have been working so hard to get.

We will see what we will see.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009


I get the feeling sometimes that people in my life don't think I DO anything because I'm not employed, I don't go to school, my scheduled things are pretty flexible most of the time...I'm getting the feeling that they think I'm lazy.

In a lot of ways this is my own fault. I don't share with people the work that I do because for the most part it is VERY depressing and makes me very upset to think about it. But what about the people that I'm closest to? I try to share this information with them, to explain to them that all day most everyday is a living HELL for me, but I don't think I'm making myself clear.

I'm terrified of everyone. I get very sad and feel rejected when people have to change their plans last minute on me. I feel small and useless most of the time and when I can't do something for someone I also feel over whelming guilt. I hate my body to the point that I can't feel it a lot of the time, and what I do feel from it is usually pain. I don't feel hunger most of the time because I have trained my body to not feel it. I literally see a morbidly obese woman when I look in the mirror, not I just "think" I'm fat. I crave physical contact with every breath of every day, and believe that makes me a bad and dirty person. I believe myself to be stupid beyond compare. I'm unwanted, unloved and I don't deserve to be because I AM that bad of a person...I am the Hitler of our times. I am cold, cruel and hurtful to everyone around me and if I wasn't around, they would have MUCH easier lives. I'm a jinks. Bad things happen in my life in ways that other people only have nightmares of and I truly believe that my soul reason for being on this planet is to suck up the pain that other people can't deal with so they don't have to.

It goes on like this. What it comes down to is these are the things that I fight against every time I wake up in the morning. They make it so going to the store to buy milk is a soul draining and mind freezing experience. If I have to deal with other people (because I can't let them know what is REALLY going on) its a million times worse.

I don't know if I have the strength to share this with my loved ones, but I do know that I don't have the strength to keep it to myself anymore.

Monday, June 1, 2009


My family has been eaten by pod, really! My last visit with them went well, I didn't leave emotionally scared or feeling like I had to kill myself just to get them out of my head. I left thinking "maybe I CAN have a family...maybe I can belong"

Somehow this scares me more than if I had gone out there and gotten the usual responses to my presence. What do I do with this? Do I trust that it is exactly what it seems to be? Do I treat this the way I have every other interaction with my family?

I'm scared and I REALLY don't know what to do with it. My mother has asked me to go to FL with her and my sister's family in August. I haven't decided for sure what I'm going to do, but right this second I'm emotionally leaning toward going and mentally leaning toward saying no...what do I listen to?

I just don't know.