Thursday, April 16, 2009


I've been having flashbacks to the rape for the last couple of days now. Sighs, smells, sounds...all of them are triggering some random memory from that night. 5 hours of violation that I can't get out of my head. Even my body is reacting to the memories...I can feel the tearing and bruises.

Today I've been sick to my stomach all day. I've still been eating, which I'm proud of myself for (kind of), but its been hard. I just want to starve. Feel that emptiness so I can feel safe. I've been letting myself get so I'm hungry before I eat, but not more than that.

The people I want to call on I can't, the people I can call on aren't available, only the people who don't give two flying shits about me or my life are there and then only because they are paid to be.

I'm headed toward total melt down and I don't know how to deal with it right now. I wish I wasn't alone in this.

Sunday, April 5, 2009


So my stupid fat and ugly day has been running on for a while now. Since I got back from Syracuse really. I kind of though it was just from having been up there with all of those women who were just as self hating as me and absorbing their energy, but if that was the case, why isn't it going away?

I'm hoping maybe its hormones. I'm trying to just keep my chin up and see if I can "make" it pass.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

I Love You