Monday, March 16, 2009

Unexpected

I went out to the movies tonight with some friends. The movie was good. Not one of the ones I usually would have paid to go see, but fun for the most part. Except for two things, a rape scene and the unrelated gruesome murder of a little girl.

Seeing the woman beaten, having her clothing torn, listening to the sound of him taking his clothes off...I wanted to vomit, and cry, and scream...instead I shut down. I kept feeling his teeth in my neck, hands pushing my legs apart, hearing him say "I'm the best fuck you've ever had, aren't I" and "Who's pussy is this" as though he really cared what I had to say on the matter. I could smell him on me and it was making me sick.

I'm not sure what it was about the murder that triggered me so badly, but after that, I'm not really sure where I was.

When the movie was over, all I really wanted to do was curl up into bed with someone and be held while I cried this out of my system, but I also knew that this isn't ever going to be "out of my system", so I went to the next event...dancing.

I'm glad that I did, because it did help me reconnect to my body at least, which I think is a good thing...maybe...but at the same time, I'm now left with all of the mental, physical, spiritual and emotional sensations and nothing to do with them. I wanted to reach out to the people I've been seeing, but believe that this would WAY cross the "no relationship" boundary.

I'm really fucked in the head right now and not dealing with it well...I'm going to send out the call for some support for some of the people who have been around for a little while and see if I can't get through this with out breaking out of my task, but I'm thinking I might have to ask to be released from it...for at least a little while.

2 comments:

  1. We so need to talk....

    I was in such a fucked up place for most of this last month as memories/details of being raped in high school have come flooding back.
    I'm shoving them back down...I know I shouldn't, but what the fuck else are you supposed to do with them??

    I don't think anyone who hasn't been through it gets what it is like having live through this shit again, every.time you close your eyes.

    It isn't just a memory, that you can just say Oh hey..remember that time?
    It is like ripping open the stitches on a festering wound.

    *hugs*

    I am so sorry you had to go through that..and then put on the mask of normalicy (quick slap some band-aids on there to stop the flow--that'll help, right?)

    *hugs*

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  2. Yeah, we do. So much to share...someone you can go, "so you know that thing..." with

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