Sunday, March 1, 2009

UGH!!

Okay, I really don't know where to start with all of this. My mind is kind of swirling at the moment so I'm not thinking in the clear and ordered way that I like to when I sit down to write. Some of this is because I'm still sick (cold that has been going around the area). Some of it is because I have so much going on in my head and I haven't sat down to get it out in so long that it all kind of backed up on me.

A friend moved in with and signed a lease with an alcoholic. Have lived with a few in my life I know that this can only end badly for her and I'm a little freaked out about it. She tried to talk to him about it and said it went well, but...I'm already seeing the patterns that are formed by living with someone like that and I REALLY don't like it. In fact I'm down right terrified.

I'm learning things about a new friend that are driving me insane. Their need to avoid pain through control is so far beyond mine that I can't even begin to wrap my brain around how they ever even leave the house in the morning. I'm finding myself censuring what I say around them just to keep from triggering that fear response from them and it is exhausting me. I did this with David for so long, with the hope that it would help him through the things that he needed to deal with, but he never moved from that place. I know now that some of that was because I never push for the things I wanted and needed, Am I doing that again? I'm getting really angry with them about things, not because they have done anything wrong, but because I feel like I can't talk to them about ANYTHING that bothers me without them feeling the need to have it their way (whether its in my life alone or between us). I'm not handling this situation well and I know I'm not, but I really don't know what else to do.

I'm falling in love. With someone who doesn't love me and more than likely never will because they are in love with someone else. Most people don't see their hearts as having room for more than one person at a time, so I can't see this person being different, but I really want them to be. I find that I can bare my soul to them without worrying about what they think. I can just be myself with them. Now the question is, do I step back and leave them to their lives or do I stick about to get my heart broken?

I still can't get into treatment and its freaking me out!! I'm dropping weight left right and center, I don't care about how thin I get because I just feel more in control and that whole line of shit, and I'm loosing the energy to do anything about it on my own because of how bad I've gotten. Not that any of this really matters. My budget is stretched beyond its limits, I can't get a job (mostly because no one can right now), but even if I could I don't have the energy to work one. How am I supposed to get over this when I can't afford the things I need to survive and don't have the energy to change that?!

I guess that one of the good things in life right now is that I'm not stressing out about the rape or what is going on with the fuck buddy (he seems to have a stick up his ass about something and I feel no need to help him remove it). I haven't seen nearly enough of my friends of late and I'm thinking I need to fix that, but as always they are there when I need them. Mostly I think I need to get eating and to get some REAL rest.

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