Friday, March 27, 2009


So apparently, I'm too healthy to get help with my eating disorder. The fact that I have managed to not get myself down to the point of near death means that I am still fine and don't need any least this is what the insurance company thinks.

Isn't it strange that people who know nothing about a disease or how it works can dictate how it should be treated, and when, and by who, and who should be receiving this treatment.

I wonder if we should even bother paying the doctors anymore and just pay the insurance companies instead.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


I get the feeling that I should be writing about the things that I've been thinking and feeling of late, but I don't really have much to say about them.

My counselor and I have been doing our EMDR work. That is nothing short of terrifying for me, but I believe it is and will continue to help.

I'm loosing my connection to a friend (if you could say we had one in the first place), but since it seems to be what they want I'm not sure how to feel about it. I'm kind of disconnected from the whole thing really. I just have too many other things I'm trying to work out.

I'm eating, but as my weight has gone up its getting harder and harder to just do it.

I'm still missing that human connection that I wrote about last time. Part of me wishes that I was a little less picky about my bed partners.

My financial situation is out of control. Having lost Medicaid and FS means that I'm going to have to pay for these things myself when I didn't have the money to do it before. I'm thinking I'm going to have to do something drastic (and not really good for me) to fix all of this, but what and how?

I'm soul weary, these things aren't helping.

Sunday, March 22, 2009


I'm in that place again where I just want to be held by someone. I want to curl up next to someone while I'm watching TV and have them pet my hair while I doze off. I just want to touch and be touched for the sake of doing it.

Unfortunately, things haven't changed much since the last time I went through this. The people in my life are still "untouchables" and I'm still alone. The one person who understands is already spoken for. The people who aren't, I can't really bring myself to approach just for a cuddle...I'm not sure they would even if I did because they don't understand.

GRRR! Not liking this need AT ALL!!!

Saturday, March 21, 2009


I'm wondering what the benefits are of keeping a person's emotions with in a small range of "ok" to "not bad". Is it because it makes it easier for everyone else? I know it doesn't make life easier for me. I spend so much of my time worrying that I'm being too extreme I don't have time to be extreme.

That isn't really the point either.

The more that I go through this process, the more that I realize that its important that I experience everything in my life as it happens to the full extent that it is happening. It is the only way for me to break the cycles that were set up to protect me at one point, but now they just keep me from living my life.

Emotions are big and scary and exciting and fun and hard and and and...I want to feel them all, I NEED to feel them all.

Now I hope that the people around me are up to seeing me feel them all. I'm not so sure that they are.

Friday, March 20, 2009


So I figured out something about myself thanks (once again) to my life mate Kaiya (my Siberian Husky).

We were out walking the other day (okay, maybe it was like a week ago) and I noticed that if I just let her to her thing, she got very...twitchy. Every little thing was cause for alarm and over reaction. On the other hand, if I clearly, regularly told her what was expected of her, she was calm and at peace. She seemed to be happier. Her tail was in the air and she was sniffing around like we hadn't walked this way a million times before.

Since then I have been trying to do this more with her. Give her clear demands just because I can, not because I need anything of her, just so I can turn around and give her release command. Its as though she is a different dog!!

I am the same way. When I know that I have X, Y and Z to do...have them demanded of me in fact...I am fine. When I am left to my own devices, I start to get twitchy about life. I feel overwhelmed and stressed out over nothing.

Maybe its time I had my own release command ;-)

Thursday, March 19, 2009


Just broke one of my favorite necklaces (and by far most valuable to me), car's check engine light went on (and I'm sure its something stupid like I didn't put the gas cap on all the way, but in case I'm wrong I have to take it in to have them check), friend is having a break down and I can't really help (mostly because she caused this situation herself with lots of stupid and ill advised choices), and spring is coming in waves of coldness (which means 60 at noon and 10 at 2pm)... I am not happy about these developments.

So endith the pout

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


So another part of this eating thing that I'm not really sure what to do with yet is my wanting to fuck everything that moves. I'm starting to feel a little on the slutty side (to spite the fact that I'm as prudish as ever about who'll I'll let near me). I'm thinking between this and trying to come down off of the drugs I won't be able to go more than 4 hours without a good hard fuck before I need another one :-P


I was awaken by a phone call from a very dear friend this morning. He couldn't talk long, but as usual, he brought a smile to my face. He's one of the few people in my life that I unabashedly flirt with and he doesn't freak out about it...he just takes it to the next level. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened with us if I hadn't been married when we met.

The moral to the story is I'm starting the day off in a very good mood, and given the thing he gave me to think about, I think the rest of the day is going to be pretty good too ;-)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

New Tasks

I was given some new tasks today and I'm trying really hard not to go to bad places in my head about them. They were given to me with love and compassion and with my best welfare at heart. And per my usual I am thinking "Is this how you see me? A whining, lazy, self absorbed, friendless being?"


But of course this is where I'm going with it in my head. Mostly because no one could ever just honestly be looking out for me, they always are just trying to get me to be what they think I should be, or better yet, make me go away.

But why bother to tell me things at all then. Why not just tell me to go away. He knows I would. The reason is he doesn't want me to go away, and he isn't trying to make me something I'm not, he's trying to help me be my best in the only ways he knows how.

And he isn't wrong about what he had to say, which is part of why I'm so pissy about it. I'm going to have to write about this some more...get some of it out of my head.


I don't really know what is more sad, the fact that the doctor had psychology book from the '70s proudly displayed in his office, that he thought that it would be a good idea to get my family and ex involved in my treatment (it might mend old wounds caused by my eating disorder), or that they really think that by cutting off people from the outside world they are going to be able to fix their eating disorders.

I think I just might have to kill myself before going into this treatment.

Don't Wan'a

So I have to go to the lean cuisine place today to meet with their doctor so they can tell me how I'm fit or not for this program...I feel like this is a complete waste of my time and I'm trying to think of ways I can at least enjoy the day. It is sunny and warm out, so I'm hoping that with the radio blasting and the roof open I'll be in a better mood by the time I reach them. If not, I have a wonderful mask.

I hate that the more energy I have, the bigger my mood swings are, and the worse my PTSD and depression get. Then I have to fight them and my ED all at once. If I'm not eating, I have no energy and I don't have to fight any of it.


I also was able to figure out why it is that I want to go see "Last House on the Left" even though I was so triggered by the unexpected rape in the other movie (I'm still CONVINCED that if I had known it was coming I would have been ok). Most of "Last House" is going to be about her family standing up for her, saying they believed her and they would do anything to protect her and make sure it never EVER happens again. It would be nice to see that, even if it is only in a movie.


So I reached out again, and again found myself alone. I don't know why I keep feeling hurt by this, but I do. No one wants to have someone around who is going to be a "down-er", and at this point it seems that's all I have to offer people. Maybe its all I have ever had to offer. If that wasn't bad enough, I'm in a place where I'm completely selfish and self absorbed. Not great "sure, come on over" material.

Now I'm just whining.

It was a beautiful day today. Kaiya and I got to take a walk in the sun and as usual that helped me feel better. I even managed to eat today, even though I wasn't required to (I think I even ate everything I should have :-D ).

I need to get out of this rut...might be time for a trip.

Monday, March 16, 2009


I had to ask to be released from my task for a day. I'm feeling like shit because of last night and now I feel like I have failed other people too. This day is not going well.


I went out to the movies tonight with some friends. The movie was good. Not one of the ones I usually would have paid to go see, but fun for the most part. Except for two things, a rape scene and the unrelated gruesome murder of a little girl.

Seeing the woman beaten, having her clothing torn, listening to the sound of him taking his clothes off...I wanted to vomit, and cry, and scream...instead I shut down. I kept feeling his teeth in my neck, hands pushing my legs apart, hearing him say "I'm the best fuck you've ever had, aren't I" and "Who's pussy is this" as though he really cared what I had to say on the matter. I could smell him on me and it was making me sick.

I'm not sure what it was about the murder that triggered me so badly, but after that, I'm not really sure where I was.

When the movie was over, all I really wanted to do was curl up into bed with someone and be held while I cried this out of my system, but I also knew that this isn't ever going to be "out of my system", so I went to the next event...dancing.

I'm glad that I did, because it did help me reconnect to my body at least, which I think is a good thing...maybe...but at the same time, I'm now left with all of the mental, physical, spiritual and emotional sensations and nothing to do with them. I wanted to reach out to the people I've been seeing, but believe that this would WAY cross the "no relationship" boundary.

I'm really fucked in the head right now and not dealing with it well...I'm going to send out the call for some support for some of the people who have been around for a little while and see if I can't get through this with out breaking out of my task, but I'm thinking I might have to ask to be released from it...for at least a little while.

Sunday, March 15, 2009


I'm having a hard time relating to a person in my life. I believe that I could care a great deal about them, but they don't seem to want that from me. In fact, they don't seem to want anything from me. I'm feeling hurt, scared and rejected. I'm not completely sure why. I think its because I had different expectations of what was going on here than what seems to be.

I'm also feeling very tired. Forcing myself to eat all day every day is really taking its toll on me. Even with the improvements I'm seeing in my life I'm still finding it very hard to keep up with it rather than just giving in to my ED. The emotional drain is overwhelming sometimes and I don't believe that I can go to anyone looking for help...they all have their own troubles and don't need to deal with mine too.

Saturday, March 14, 2009


So on the plus side, I'm eating. The down side to that is I now have the energy to feel all of the things that I didn't before, and not just feel them, but express them. A friend said the other day he could "see" my energy rolling off of me. It can be very powerful, and I'm still very weak.

I'm a little worried about how the new people in my life are going to deal with having this change in me. Having every emotion I feel expressed clearly not just verbally but by my energy.

I know that it can be pretty shocking when people are exposed to my energy at first, but I also know that because I have so much of it I can give a lot and not be worn out. For people who are strong enough to make use of it, this can be a great thing, but most people aren't.

I'm not really sure what I'm saying right now. I've taken my drugs for the night but they weren't kicking in so I thought I'd come out here to write and now they are, so I think I'm going to just go back to bed.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


I have been given a task. The task is to take care of myself the way I should have been for a long time now, but haven't been. For some reason, the fact that someone else has told me to do it has made the world of difference in my head...why is that?

Saturday, March 7, 2009


After all of that, the insurance company isn't going to let me go to Avalon!! I'm going to have to go to this center that is going to give me food that I can't even force myself to eat and not change a single thing about my eating disorder!!! I'm extremely angry and not dealing with it very well.

The only really good thing about it is that Charlie thinks she can fight with them to get them to let me go where I need to go...I hope she is right.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009


I don't think I have the strength to follow through with this. I'm completely terrified.


There are things you don't ask a person about. Things that are in their minds and hearts that are there to keep them safe and sane in the situations that would kill other people. People who can find these places in themselves are able to take on things that others only dream of...or have nightmares about. You don't ask a person about these places inside of them. They are deep, personal, and powerful in ways that are all consuming. To talk about them, you have to have that place in you too. If you don't, you can never understand and you will leave the other person feeling more isolated than before. If you do, there is no need to speak of it.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


So I've gotten the go ahead for entering treatment on Monday. I'm excited and a little scared...okay a lot scared, but I think that's to be expected. I've been waiting for it for so long that I started to think that it wasn't going to happen, now that it is I'm not ready.

I'm not making sense, I think its just the fear.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Sin Eaters (Pain part II)

There use to be people called sin eaters. They were called in to take on the sins of someone who was going to die so that person could go to heaven. They had the dubious blessing of living forever in exchange for this service...or so it is said.

For most of my life people have told me how much better they feel talking to me. People will tell me their life stories out of nowhere, people I don't even know. They tell me I would make a great counselor (with the psych background and all), and seem surprised when I tell them that I have no interest in that field at all.

When someone is in pain (no matter what kind of pain it is) around me, I feel it as though that pain is happening to me. My heart, mind, body and soul feel the pain as clearly as if it were happening in that moment. I often watch as it drains off the other person, and until recently, always wondered where it was going to.

I now think I know.

People feel this comfort with me because I am willing to accept their pain. I can absorb it and use it in ways that others don't know how to. Pain has been one of my strengths, a way for me to keep myself alive through the things that I have had to experience. I use it to stay shielded from the world around me, in this way (or so I thought) I could stay safe.

But it doesn't work that way. I have become like the sin eaters, saturated in the pain of others to the point that I am causing myself serious harm, because I have no release for it. But I don't know how to stop. How do you close yourself off from pain without closing yourself off from
the world? I don't think that you can. And if I'm right, than the next question is, how do I release this pain so I stop hurting myself? I have no answer for that.

Sunday, March 1, 2009


"Some people you can beat them and beat them and they'll take it. Whatever pain you give them. They just absorb it. Its like its theirs to being with. All you're doing is giving it back to them.

You see, deep down they hate themselves, and they use that hate to eat the pain." Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

That is what I do...I eat the pain. What happens when you start to choke on it?


Okay, I really don't know where to start with all of this. My mind is kind of swirling at the moment so I'm not thinking in the clear and ordered way that I like to when I sit down to write. Some of this is because I'm still sick (cold that has been going around the area). Some of it is because I have so much going on in my head and I haven't sat down to get it out in so long that it all kind of backed up on me.

A friend moved in with and signed a lease with an alcoholic. Have lived with a few in my life I know that this can only end badly for her and I'm a little freaked out about it. She tried to talk to him about it and said it went well, but...I'm already seeing the patterns that are formed by living with someone like that and I REALLY don't like it. In fact I'm down right terrified.

I'm learning things about a new friend that are driving me insane. Their need to avoid pain through control is so far beyond mine that I can't even begin to wrap my brain around how they ever even leave the house in the morning. I'm finding myself censuring what I say around them just to keep from triggering that fear response from them and it is exhausting me. I did this with David for so long, with the hope that it would help him through the things that he needed to deal with, but he never moved from that place. I know now that some of that was because I never push for the things I wanted and needed, Am I doing that again? I'm getting really angry with them about things, not because they have done anything wrong, but because I feel like I can't talk to them about ANYTHING that bothers me without them feeling the need to have it their way (whether its in my life alone or between us). I'm not handling this situation well and I know I'm not, but I really don't know what else to do.

I'm falling in love. With someone who doesn't love me and more than likely never will because they are in love with someone else. Most people don't see their hearts as having room for more than one person at a time, so I can't see this person being different, but I really want them to be. I find that I can bare my soul to them without worrying about what they think. I can just be myself with them. Now the question is, do I step back and leave them to their lives or do I stick about to get my heart broken?

I still can't get into treatment and its freaking me out!! I'm dropping weight left right and center, I don't care about how thin I get because I just feel more in control and that whole line of shit, and I'm loosing the energy to do anything about it on my own because of how bad I've gotten. Not that any of this really matters. My budget is stretched beyond its limits, I can't get a job (mostly because no one can right now), but even if I could I don't have the energy to work one. How am I supposed to get over this when I can't afford the things I need to survive and don't have the energy to change that?!

I guess that one of the good things in life right now is that I'm not stressing out about the rape or what is going on with the fuck buddy (he seems to have a stick up his ass about something and I feel no need to help him remove it). I haven't seen nearly enough of my friends of late and I'm thinking I need to fix that, but as always they are there when I need them. Mostly I think I need to get eating and to get some REAL rest.