Saturday, February 7, 2009


So the guy that I've been seeing finally brought up the "I don't want to have a relationship and never will" thing. It seems that most of the guys that I've gone out with in this age group say that, when what they really seem to mean is "I don't want to change anything about my life for you". Which is fine. I don't really want to change anything about my life for him either. That might change and if it does I'll leave, but for now I'm happy to just explore what is here as things are.

It was nice for a change to have someone who just came out and said "I don't want a relationship" rather than letting me infer it. but not only that, talked to me about how the rape would effect things for me and how to handle that. It was a little strange because I haven't had a guy do this with me before, but it felt good to know that he would. It leaves me feeling like I can talk to him about things as I need to also.

What will be hard for me about this situation is not getting too emotionally attached to him, or his other partner (who I expect will join us from time to time, or vise versa). The relationship we would have will be different from the others I've had recently and will require a level of trust from me that often goes with a stronger emotional attachment than I have given my most recent partners. He's made it clear that he doesn't want that and can't return it, so I'd rather not get myself hurt. I can already feel myself tensing for a rejection that hasn't come even close to happening.

In other news, my counselor and I have started the EMDR. My safe place is still my rose garden, but I found that, in my mind, rather than being me now I'm me at 15. Its hard to feel any measure of safety from that time, but we figured out that if me now "guards" 15 year old me, I feel safer. We'll see how things go with that. I'm going to try to use it in the coming week as things start to flush out with some of the changes I'm making (new guy, no work, ED treatment).

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