Tuesday, February 17, 2009


Life is doing funny things to me of late. Challenging me to step WAY outside my boxes to get the things that I have always thought I wanted and needed in my life. Challenging if those things are even what I still want and need. Challenging me to trust.

These boxes have been the places that I have been hiding lately, trying to keep my world as ordered as I could so I could deal with my healing in small doses rather than in one big gulp. I had come to believe that if I lost those boxes, I would become too overwhelmed to deal with life and end up back where I started. I haven't seen myself as being strong enough to handle what I've been doing all along.

What brings this up, is my current romantic interests. We had a situation the other day that one of us was having a hard time dealing with, and I saw so much of my own usual reactions in the things that they did and said. Especially when one of them asked me to help make the other feel better. I wanted to step in and fix the situation so badly that I could feel my self expanding with the need to protect them. I had to step back and let them feel what they were feeling, and was so hard for me, and I could see how hard it was for the other person as well.

I see them trying to shut out pain through control, just like I have.
I see them using rage to cover up vulnerability, just as I have.
I see them focusing on the people around them so hard, so they don't have to see themselves, just like I do.

I don't know where things are going to go with these people, but I have come to care about them and I feel like I can learn so much about myself from them that I can't leave right now, but I need to be careful, it would be too easy for me to step back into my old patterns if I'm not.

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