Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Celestine Prophecy

I had the chance to finally sit down and watch this. As a movie, it sucks, but the ideas that they were trying to present are in many ways ideas that I have long held to be true and have tried to live by. The core of these ideas are "The Nine Insights" which are:

  • The First Insight... A Critical Mass

A new spiritual awakening is occurring in human culture; an awakening brought about by a critical mass of individuals who experience their lives as a spiritual unfolding, a journey in which we are led forward by mysterious coincidences.

  • The Second Insight... The Longer Now

This awakening represents the creation of a new, more complete worldview, which replaces a five-hundred-year-old preoccupation with secular survival and comfort. While this technological preoccupation was an important step, our awakening to life's coincidences is opening us up to the real purpose of human life on this planet, and the real nature of our Universe.

  • The Third Insight... A Matter of Energy

We now experience that we live not in a material Universe, but in a Universe of dynamic energy. Everything extant is a field of sacred energy that we can sense and intuit. Moreover, we humans can project our energy by focusing our attention in the desired direction, in that where attention goes, energy flows, influencing other energy systems and increasing the pace of coincidences in our lives. It is possible to see this energy enveloping all living things.

  • The Fourth Insight... The Struggle For Power

To gain energy, we tend to manipulate or force others to give us attention and thus energy. When we successfully dominate others in this way, we feel more powerful, but they are left weakened and often fight back. Competition for scarce human energy is the cause of all conflict between people.

  • The Fifth Insight... The Message of the Mystics

Insecurity and violence ends when we experience an inner connection with divine energy within, a connection described by mystics of all traditions. A sense of lightness or buoyancy along with the constant sensation of love are measures of this connection. If these measures are present, the connection is real; if not, it is only pretended.

  • The Sixth Insight... Clearing the Past

The more we stay connected, the more we are acutely aware of those times when we lose connection, usually when we are under stress. In these times, we can see our own particular way of stealing energy from others. Once our manipulations are brought to personal awareness, our connection becomes more constant and we can discover our own evolutionary path in life, and our spiritual mission, which is the personal way we can contribute to the World.

Here the four main "control dramas"—the Interrogator, the Intimidator, the Aloof and the Poor Me—are discussed. Each person unconsciously prefers one of these four to suck energy out of others (as described in the Fourth Insight). A way of getting these under control is disclosed.

  • The Seventh Insight... Engaging the Flow

Knowing our personal mission further enhances the flow of mysterious coincidences as we are guided toward our destinies. First we have a question; then dreams, daydreams, and intuitions lead us towards the answers, which usually are synchronistically provided by the wisdom of another human being.

  • The Eighth Insight... The Interpersonal Ethic

We can increase the frequency of guiding coincidences by uplifting every person that comes into our lives. Care must be taken not to lose our inner connection when we have become part of romantic relationships. Uplifting others is especially effective in groups wherein each member can feel energy of all the others. With children it is extremely important for their early security and growth. By seeing the beauty in every face, we lift others into their wisest self, and increase the chances of hearing a synchronistic message.

  • The Ninth Insight... The Emerging Culture

As we all evolve toward the best completion of our spiritual missions, the technological means of survival will be fully automated as humans focus instead on synchronistic growth. Such growth will move humans into higher energy states, ultimately transforming our bodies into spiritual form and uniting this dimension of existence with the after-life dimension, ending the cycle of birth and death.

These ideas are so big that I'm not sure you really can put them into book or movie form and really expect to express them, but I was impressed that the effort was made. I've seen for myself how living my life by these ideas has changed my life for the better, and I believe that it will continue to do so as I get better at putting them into practice.


Life is doing funny things to me of late. Challenging me to step WAY outside my boxes to get the things that I have always thought I wanted and needed in my life. Challenging if those things are even what I still want and need. Challenging me to trust.

These boxes have been the places that I have been hiding lately, trying to keep my world as ordered as I could so I could deal with my healing in small doses rather than in one big gulp. I had come to believe that if I lost those boxes, I would become too overwhelmed to deal with life and end up back where I started. I haven't seen myself as being strong enough to handle what I've been doing all along.

What brings this up, is my current romantic interests. We had a situation the other day that one of us was having a hard time dealing with, and I saw so much of my own usual reactions in the things that they did and said. Especially when one of them asked me to help make the other feel better. I wanted to step in and fix the situation so badly that I could feel my self expanding with the need to protect them. I had to step back and let them feel what they were feeling, and was so hard for me, and I could see how hard it was for the other person as well.

I see them trying to shut out pain through control, just like I have.
I see them using rage to cover up vulnerability, just as I have.
I see them focusing on the people around them so hard, so they don't have to see themselves, just like I do.

I don't know where things are going to go with these people, but I have come to care about them and I feel like I can learn so much about myself from them that I can't leave right now, but I need to be careful, it would be too easy for me to step back into my old patterns if I'm not.

Saturday, February 7, 2009


So the guy that I've been seeing finally brought up the "I don't want to have a relationship and never will" thing. It seems that most of the guys that I've gone out with in this age group say that, when what they really seem to mean is "I don't want to change anything about my life for you". Which is fine. I don't really want to change anything about my life for him either. That might change and if it does I'll leave, but for now I'm happy to just explore what is here as things are.

It was nice for a change to have someone who just came out and said "I don't want a relationship" rather than letting me infer it. but not only that, talked to me about how the rape would effect things for me and how to handle that. It was a little strange because I haven't had a guy do this with me before, but it felt good to know that he would. It leaves me feeling like I can talk to him about things as I need to also.

What will be hard for me about this situation is not getting too emotionally attached to him, or his other partner (who I expect will join us from time to time, or vise versa). The relationship we would have will be different from the others I've had recently and will require a level of trust from me that often goes with a stronger emotional attachment than I have given my most recent partners. He's made it clear that he doesn't want that and can't return it, so I'd rather not get myself hurt. I can already feel myself tensing for a rejection that hasn't come even close to happening.

In other news, my counselor and I have started the EMDR. My safe place is still my rose garden, but I found that, in my mind, rather than being me now I'm me at 15. Its hard to feel any measure of safety from that time, but we figured out that if me now "guards" 15 year old me, I feel safer. We'll see how things go with that. I'm going to try to use it in the coming week as things start to flush out with some of the changes I'm making (new guy, no work, ED treatment).

Friday, February 6, 2009

25 Random Things About Me

1. I am the least random person I know

2. I hate my cell phone

3. I spend more time thinking about other people and how to take care of them in a day than I do thinking about myself

4. I'm completely in love with Becka

5. I would live on Purity's Almond Joyous if I could

6. I love food and hate eating

7. I like living alone more than living with someone

8. I like cuddling more than sex (that doesn't mean I don't love sex)

9. I'm far more perceptive than most people give me credit for

10. I want to have children more than anything else in the world, the husband is optional

11. Cleaning is soothing for me

12. I have a thing for office supplies...I just love to buy them

13. I could happily live in a poly amorous relationship as long as I could still have my own space.

14. I'm more often than not cold, but because I dislike being dressed so much I won't wear more clothes than I have to

15. I can sing

16. I know what fork to use even if there are more than 3

17. I don't recognize myself in pictures

18. I hate the physical act of writing so much that I will go way out of my way to avoid doing it

19. My hair is my best feature by far, but unless its short I always keep it up

20. I am a VERY poor judge of character

21. Kaiya is my best friend, but I often wonder if I'm her's

22. I'm whatever the opposite of a pack rat is

23. The older I am getting the less I'm regretting my mistakes

24. I really love that feeling you get when you have been working your body hard all day and get to fall into bed and just lay there...that is the best

25. Forest Green is my favorite color

Wednesday, February 4, 2009


So, I've been going over my bills and thinking about what the future holds for me and trying to figure out what the best way to deal with those things would be. As much as I don't like it, I think I'm going to have to get myself behind a desk again. I need the benefits a "real" job will offer, not to mention the stability and with any luck security.

I'm checking with the colleges first. My thinking is that if I can get into one of them I might be able to finish my MAT while working. They are also the two biggest and most secure employers in town. I'm thinking I'll have to get down to workforce too and see what they can do about the SSD stuff.


This is all a little scary for me, but I think I can make it work if I just let myself do it.

Monday, February 2, 2009


So, it seems that I'm done with my last family, or more correctly they are done with me.

I'm really sad about it, but I have to admit that there are some good things that are coming out of it. I'm gaining weight again, I can take care of my home without feeling so overwhelmed by it, and I'm getting back into the work that I'm suppose to be doing right now (like my journaling, and seeing the people I need to see).

I think that the thing that I'm worried about is loosing the friendships I thought I had made in this job. These people are very important to me and it will hurt a lot if I loose them, but I get the feeling that is exactly what is going to happen.


I had a date last night with a guy I've gone out with a couple times before. He's a sweet guy and I like him a great deal as a person. I've figured that even if nothing came of the dating at least I would have a new really good friend. The best part is he knows and is friends with one of my best friends in the world. Some how that makes dating him seem that much easier.

Last night he brought his housemate with him. We had an amazing time. She is great. Funny and interesting, someone that I can see myself spending a lot of time getting to know. Someone I can see myself caring about a lot.

As the night went on and we started to settle down I found myself wanting to cuddle up with one or the other of them or sometimes both over the course of the night. I just couldn't get the idea out of my head. It seemed like the most natural and easy thing to do. Of course I didn't, but some how I don't think either of them would have objected.

I also got the feeling that their relationship was more than just housemates. Nothing was said or done to give me that idea, but I felt it anyway. I felt such a longing to be a part of that with them.

At the end of the night when I was getting ready to leave, we kissed good night. He wrapped his hands into my hair and ever so gently tugged on it as he kissed me. He kissed and nibbled at my neck. I had so hoped he had marked me, but he didn't. I had trouble walking out as it was so maybe its better that way.

I'm still drunk on the sights, smells, tastes, and feelings from last night and I don't really know why. It scares me a little that after such a short time someone could have this kind of effect, but then even if it took years it would still scare me.

I hope I have the patients to give myself time to get use to it.