So they are here again and for the first time in years I have no interest in celebrating them.
I know that what is going on has more to do with my depression having increased and my rape than anything else, but I'm having a hard time separating my sense of despair from the season. Everyone around me SEEMS so happy that I can't help but think that I'm missing something, some important bit that would make this better.
The fact that I'm single this year and haven't been able to get things to work out the way I wanted them to (like I still don't have my tree) doesn't help. But as a friend pointed out, that is the pity party stuff and not my real problem.
I've been trying to do the things that in the past have helped me feel better. Baking for friends and family, spending time outside, reading, watching old holiday movies...but this year even those things are taking more energy to do than I'm getting out of doing them. I don't even feel like I can talk to anyone because either they are dealing with their own shit and I don't want to impose or they are happily in their own little world and I don't want to impose.
That is some of my problem too. I feel like one big imposition on the world. No one in my life now would say that, in fact I think they would argue the opposite, but I feel that way anyway. I don't dare ask for help in anyway because I am scared that I will loose the few people I have in my life if I impose too much and to much is at all.
I've gotten stuck and can't think any more. I think that there is more to say about this, but I'll have to come back to it when I'm calmer.