Saturday, November 15, 2008

Touch

I know that I have a lot of problems. I know that it is going to take a very long time for me to work them out. I know that any partner that I have will have to be willing and able to work on these issues with me, no matter where I am in my process. But does all of that mean that I have to live as a nun until I have worked this stuff out?

I miss being touched. I miss rolling over in bed and being able to cuddle up to the person I'm with, just because I can. I miss being held while I read my book, or watch TV. I miss having someone walk behind me and reach out for me as they go by. I miss walking out the door and running back to kiss "them" good bye one more time.

I have so many people around me right now that I am very attracted to, that I have to keep my hands off of, because they aren't mine to touch, but I really don't want to. I find myself having to avoid these people, or make sure that I'm never alone with them, just so I don't do something stupid to hurt them and me. I think in some cases they have noticed my backing off, and are hurt by it, but I just don't know what else to do. Even with the people that I have been dating, I have been keeping a distance, because I don't want to get into bed with them just because I want to be close to them.

I'm a very sensual person, I know this about myself now. I also know that not everyone is and that people who aren't can take my need to be near others the wrong way. Some think it is sex, others think it is love, still others just think I'm perverted in some way. Why is it that it is so wrong to want to be near others? To use all of our senses to experience the world around us? Why can't it just be what it is?

One person in particular comes to mind with all of this. They are a good friend and are like me in this respect, they are very sensual too. Knowing this about them has made it even harder to keep a "safe" distance from them, because I know that they would understand. I'm just not sure anyone else would and that scares me. How do I meet my need to be touched and to touch, and not fuck my life up worse than it already is?

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