Monday, November 24, 2008

Rape II

So the rape happened on Sunday the 16th of November 2008. Since then I've been trying to do the "right" things for myself and for society as a whole.

I've wanted to write about this event and the things that have followed. To tell people about what I have experienced so that they have a better idea how to help their friends and family should this ever happen to them, but I just don't know where to start, or what to say even. I'm not sure I know what happened to me. I mean, I know WHAT happened, I guess I don't know how it happened.

I have spent so much of my life trying to protect myself from people like this guy. I have distrusted everyone and everything. I have looked over my shoulder at every turn. I have gone out of my way to not make the "mistakes" that other people make. None of it made a difference. I still got raped.

Now what do I do? All of my precautions and education were for naught. In the end all it took was a person bigger than me to put me right back to where I was as a child. Unable to defend myself against someone who was going to use my body and hurt me. All of my "No!"s made no difference.

I guess the worst part for me is that, not only did I not fight back, I did everything I could to make it happen faster. I just wanted it over so he would leave. I feel like if I had fought back, maybe it wouldn't have happened. To late to know now.

When he left, I didn't call the police, a friend works for dispatch and even though I knew he wasn't working by then I didn't want him to know I had let this happen. I didn't call a single person, I was scared they would all ask me what I did. I just turned off the lights and went to bed. I was still bleeding and so sore I was crying, but the idea of telling anyone was horrifying.

How could I have let this happen AGAIN!?! I'm not a child anymore. I thought that when I got older I would be able to protect myself. That's what they told me. The fairy tale that they tell kids that have been abused "You were a child, you couldn't protect yourself". What they don't tell you is that even as an adult, you still can't protect yourself. If someone decides that they are going to use you and abuse you, they can put you right back there in that place and you can't stop them.

This was a "date" rape. They are almost impossible to prove. Its my word against his and the court has to assume that he did nothing wrong, the state has to prove that he did. The stats on these cases stink. More rapist are going free than aren't because of the way the laws are written. Chances are very good that nothing will happen to this guy, that he will get away with this. So not only can I not protect myself, but the law can't either.

Its enough to make me just want to give up. Yet the only right thing to do is see this through to the end, hopefully to trial, so that at least he will have a record and if he does it again, he has less of a chance of getting away with it. Maybe it will help someone else in the future. Once again I have no hope for this doing any good for me, I'm doing it in the hopes that it will help someone else. The difference this time is that it is some unknown person and not someone I know and love. It makes it a lot harder to see this through.

Mostly I just want to give up on it all. I can't protect me. They can't protect me. I'm tired of feeling unsafe, unloved, and alone. I've lost hope.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


I guess it is that bad to just want to be close to someone.

Saturday, November 15, 2008


I know that I have a lot of problems. I know that it is going to take a very long time for me to work them out. I know that any partner that I have will have to be willing and able to work on these issues with me, no matter where I am in my process. But does all of that mean that I have to live as a nun until I have worked this stuff out?

I miss being touched. I miss rolling over in bed and being able to cuddle up to the person I'm with, just because I can. I miss being held while I read my book, or watch TV. I miss having someone walk behind me and reach out for me as they go by. I miss walking out the door and running back to kiss "them" good bye one more time.

I have so many people around me right now that I am very attracted to, that I have to keep my hands off of, because they aren't mine to touch, but I really don't want to. I find myself having to avoid these people, or make sure that I'm never alone with them, just so I don't do something stupid to hurt them and me. I think in some cases they have noticed my backing off, and are hurt by it, but I just don't know what else to do. Even with the people that I have been dating, I have been keeping a distance, because I don't want to get into bed with them just because I want to be close to them.

I'm a very sensual person, I know this about myself now. I also know that not everyone is and that people who aren't can take my need to be near others the wrong way. Some think it is sex, others think it is love, still others just think I'm perverted in some way. Why is it that it is so wrong to want to be near others? To use all of our senses to experience the world around us? Why can't it just be what it is?

One person in particular comes to mind with all of this. They are a good friend and are like me in this respect, they are very sensual too. Knowing this about them has made it even harder to keep a "safe" distance from them, because I know that they would understand. I'm just not sure anyone else would and that scares me. How do I meet my need to be touched and to touch, and not fuck my life up worse than it already is?


Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
- Albert Camus

That would be me

Monday, November 3, 2008


I must be too dumb to live. I have let my eating disorder get the best of me again, and I really just don't care. I don't care if I starve to death. I don't care if bones are sticking out and I'm passing out every time I stand up. All I care about is not hurting, and when I'm not eating, I don't hurt.

People tell me, "just eat" well if it was that easy I wouldn't have the eating disorder now would I?!

I hate how I look. I hate the way I feel. I hate that none of the things I'm doing to myself make sense, even to me. I hate that the things that are just normal for everyone else are impossibly stressful for me (like working, and walking my dog).

What's wrong with me?!