Thursday, October 23, 2008


So last weekend was a blast!!

I drove down to Jersey with a girl friend to meet this guy I had been talking to online for awhile (Hi Sam!!), she was going to the city to meet some long time friends of hers. The drive down was uneventful (except for her loosing the toll ticket in the car without moving...good going Beck), but we laughed and generally enjoyed each other's company.

After I dropped her at the train station, it was time for me to find this guy's place. It should have been easy. Couple exits back and stay on that highway till I got to his town...but the best laid plans of mice and men. After about an hour I finally found my way and there he was waiting with drink in hand to greet me and carry my stuff for me. I can't remember the last time a guy did that for me... I don't think one ever has.

We stayed up and talked, and did other things. All in all it was a good first night.

The next day, we had these plans to take some pictures (which I was WAY to nervous for, but we tried) and maybe get out. None of that really happened, but I did get to meet his friends (the reason I was so nervous). They were awesome. One of them had or was going to turn 30. She was the cutest little thing I was ready to steal her and take her home with me. They all made me feel very welcomed and I felt like a fool for being so nervous all day. That night we just chilled out at his place he watched TV (sports I think) and I played with the dog till I got tired. A very good day.

The next day was Sunday and my last day in town. We went out to breakfast and had a slow lazy kind of morning. We talk about a lot of things, people we had dated, things we wanted in our lives, things we didn't. Then it came time for me to leave. I expected to feel something, anything, after the weekend we had spent together. But I didn't.

The trip back was the best part of the whole weekend. I picked up my girlfriend from the train station, having slept about 3 hours over the whole weekend and with a cold starting. I was in no condition to drive, but she couldn't, so I had to.

We laughed so much. Partly because we were both so tired, partly because of the dumb stuff that came up. Like we were doing cross word like puzzles together. She would read the clue and I would give extremely random answers. One of the clues was "adore" I heard "a door" so I had to give her a 6 letter opposite for it, I said "wallll". Another was "bury", I heard "berry"... I couldn't even come up with an answer for that one.

We got lost, really REALLY lost. and the 4 hour trip turned into 6. We also some how managed to completely MISS the toll ticket booth this time, so we didn't have a ticket to loose and they "yelled" at us about it.

By the time we got home it was all I could do to fall into bed when I got here.

I've been sick with the cold since, and things haven't been so great in life other wise, but I think of that trip and I smile. I'm really glad I took the time to do it and didn't talk myself out of it.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


People keep telling me things like what I think matters and my feels are important to them and I count...well if that's so true, then why is it that I haven't been able to change the course of one single event in my life because that's what I thought should happen. I'm not talking about things like "I think all politicians should be dumped into the ocean" type things either...

I loved my husband, that didn't stop him from walking out.

I feared for the future of a friend, that didn't change their course of action.

I want someone to feel for me the way I feel for them, they don't.

I'm starting to believe that the only person that really cares, is me. And if that is the case, then why bother telling anyone about what I'm thinking or feeling? They will just do their thing anyway, which just leaves me feeling hurt because my opinion didn't make a difference.

I'm especially hurt if they asked me for an opinion (as was the case with my friend), or if the outcome of their actions directly effects my life (as was the case with my ex). This is added to the fact that I believe that I don't matter.

So how do I over come this? I don't have much in the way of real life experiences to counter these beliefs with, and for me, affirmations only seem to work for so long (about as long as it takes for me to have an experience that counters the affirmation).

This is today's struggle...tomorrow will be something else new and exciting.

Friday, October 3, 2008


I have for sometime now been day dreaming about having a family of my own with a partner that treated me with the love and respect that I treated them with and understood that we didn't have to agree on everything to be a good partnership...why is it that every time I think that I've found that person I'm wrong? Or if I'm not wrong, and they are that type of person, why can't I have them?

I'm starting to think that I still have too much to work out before I can have a relationship with someone. I think that they see something in me that I don't and they back off knowing that I'm not going to be a good mate.

If that is the case, how do I make myself happy with just being with me? I live with me just fine, but I want more than this. What is the balance in this situation?