Friday, September 12, 2008

Trying

I've been trying to break some habits I'm unhappy with. Things like isolating when I'm feeling bad, or not eating to avoid my emotions. Some of these habits have been easier to break than others, but right now I feel like I'm moving backward.

I'm finding myself falling into old behaviors that I know aren't healthy, helpful or productive, more because they are habit than I really want to do them.

I'm scared because things haven't gone the way I had hoped, or even imagined. Instead things seem to be headed in the completely wrong direction.

The only real "good" news I've had of late is my divorce is progressing (that might seem odd to say, but I hope you understand what I mean). He says he's divorcing me because I was SO sick it was unsafe for him to continue to be married to me. That hurt more than I have the vocabulary to express. I spoke with my lawyer about what this would mean for me if I choose to fight it, and she says the only thing that will do is keep me married to him longer...I REALLY don't want that. So I'm going to let the divorce go through and move on with my life...its all I can really do at this point.

The guy I have fallen in love with is keeping his distance, leaving me feeling rejected, even though I understand why he is doing it. I'm proud of myself though. For the most part I have done well at reminding myself that if things are "meant" to be between us, they will be and then letting go of my fear for the Universe to deal with. This is one of the many situations in my life that I have NO control over.

I'm falling behind on debts that I owe, and unless I can get my Mary Kay business going full swing or get a full time job, things are only going to get worse. That terrifies me for a million reasons.

One of the results of this is I've had to stop seeing my counselor...not good AT ALL. I've been holding myself together pretty well, using my other supports and the like. But, this is one of the things that was helping with my moving forward, and is now contributing to my feeling of stagnation.

One of the things I've been doing to try to combat this is having a "Girl's Night" at my place once in a while. It helps, but I still don't know these people, so how do I talk to them about the stuff that goes on in my head. I'm trying to just give that time, these are my future best friends if I let it happen and don't fight it because I'm scared.

Kaiya is sick, again. She seems to just have a cold, but there are other problems and I can't afford to take her to the vet right now.

Every once in a while I hear the Universe telling me that whatever I'm doing isn't working, I just wish it would tell me what to try next. Maybe it is and I'm not listening.

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