Tuesday, September 23, 2008


I just started taking care of a friend of a friend's baby to help them out and I'm loving it. I missed the feeling of a baby (or a child for that matter) looking to you for guidance and support. I missed the way they make mistakes ten times and don't think anything of it. I missed how every day...every moment... is a new thing without anything before or after it.

I know that as time goes on this child, like all of us, will learn to reject these things. But for now, I will reveal in their newness and grow with them as much as I can. I am so grateful that my friends thought of me for this task. It is turning into one more way for me to heal.

Sunday, September 21, 2008


Now I've gone and done it. I made a big old mistake (I think) and may have fucked up a friendship because of it. I hope not, and I think this person is centered enough to not let it mess up our friendship, but I don't know yet.

I'm scared and my first reaction to feeling scared is to get angry...but angry at who? My second reaction (since the first one isn't working so well) is to run away...but to where? Running physically away won't get rid of the stuff in my head. I'll still be scared that I screwed up something good.

This person doesn't deserve that. They deserve my love and respect and I'm not sure I have been giving them that in the right ways.

Usually when you know you've done something wrong, you say your sorry...what if you're not sure it was wrong? How do you make amends then? Do you try to make amends?

I'm feeling like a dumb kid all over again.

Saturday, September 20, 2008


A friend introduced me to this podcast and I've been listening to it when I go to the gym or walk the dog. This weeks was about yoga and I thought that it would be good to share with the people who read my blog. Listen to it and tell me your thoughts.


Saturday, September 13, 2008


I couldn't be more sick of the drama in my life if I tried. A friend said that "At least your life isn't boring"...I would love a little boredom in my life right about now. Its hard to stay centered and focused when I feel like I'm living in Ike.

I'm going to turn this over to the Universe and see what it comes up with, cuz what I'm do'n just ain't work'n.

Friday, September 12, 2008


I've been trying to break some habits I'm unhappy with. Things like isolating when I'm feeling bad, or not eating to avoid my emotions. Some of these habits have been easier to break than others, but right now I feel like I'm moving backward.

I'm finding myself falling into old behaviors that I know aren't healthy, helpful or productive, more because they are habit than I really want to do them.

I'm scared because things haven't gone the way I had hoped, or even imagined. Instead things seem to be headed in the completely wrong direction.

The only real "good" news I've had of late is my divorce is progressing (that might seem odd to say, but I hope you understand what I mean). He says he's divorcing me because I was SO sick it was unsafe for him to continue to be married to me. That hurt more than I have the vocabulary to express. I spoke with my lawyer about what this would mean for me if I choose to fight it, and she says the only thing that will do is keep me married to him longer...I REALLY don't want that. So I'm going to let the divorce go through and move on with my life...its all I can really do at this point.

The guy I have fallen in love with is keeping his distance, leaving me feeling rejected, even though I understand why he is doing it. I'm proud of myself though. For the most part I have done well at reminding myself that if things are "meant" to be between us, they will be and then letting go of my fear for the Universe to deal with. This is one of the many situations in my life that I have NO control over.

I'm falling behind on debts that I owe, and unless I can get my Mary Kay business going full swing or get a full time job, things are only going to get worse. That terrifies me for a million reasons.

One of the results of this is I've had to stop seeing my counselor...not good AT ALL. I've been holding myself together pretty well, using my other supports and the like. But, this is one of the things that was helping with my moving forward, and is now contributing to my feeling of stagnation.

One of the things I've been doing to try to combat this is having a "Girl's Night" at my place once in a while. It helps, but I still don't know these people, so how do I talk to them about the stuff that goes on in my head. I'm trying to just give that time, these are my future best friends if I let it happen and don't fight it because I'm scared.

Kaiya is sick, again. She seems to just have a cold, but there are other problems and I can't afford to take her to the vet right now.

Every once in a while I hear the Universe telling me that whatever I'm doing isn't working, I just wish it would tell me what to try next. Maybe it is and I'm not listening.

Thursday, September 4, 2008


The view from my backyard.

A couple weeks back, it was very warm here, and we had some of the most amazing heat lighting. It turned the sky purple and blue and even red. I stood outside watching it dance across the sky and was in awe of its beauty.

My sister sent me a picture of my niece just being herself. She is almost three and still so unaware of anything outside herself. This gives her the freedom to be who and what she is without the worries that seem to come with adulthood. She is so perfect that it makes me cry at that joy of being able to know her.

A friend sent me some pictures of him at work. The sites that he gets to see are breath taking in so many ways and for so many reasons. My favorite was the one of him with that half smile he gets. Whenever I see his smile I can't help but smile too, its contagious.

Tonight, I was wondering around the yard feeling bad for myself when I looked up and the Big and Little dippers were just rising. I remembered when I was a kid my great-grandmother trying to teach me the constellations and because I was young, I just made up my own. My time with her was some of the happiest in my life.

When I was growing up, there was a wondrous rose garden not too far from my house. When I was feeling down or sad or just needed some time alone I would go there and just be still. It was one of the only places in my life that was just mine, even though it belonged to everyone. I could go there and find my center so I could face another day. When I think of that place now, I still get some of that feeling.

Today, I went with a friend and my dog to one of the many local parks and sat by the stream that runs through it, eating lunch and talking while watching the dog be a dog. At one point we both got quiet and all you could hear was the stream, the birds and our breathing. I had such a sense of peace in that moment that I wanted to carry it with me everywhere.

These are just a few of the things in my life that bring splendor to it.

Monday, September 1, 2008


Is it possible to feel to much too fast? Can you love someone too soon? Is "love at first sight" just a saying or is there something to it?

I don't know the answers to these questions.

I know that there is someone in my life that I have very deep feelings for, that I love.

I haven't known them for very long, less than 2 months, and I have never seen them face to face.

I know that I have shared parts of myself with this person, that only my very closest friends have been privy to, without fear or regret. Things that even after 13 years, I still didn't share with my ex-husband. This person has just accepted them in stride.

I know that when I think about this person I get both a feeling of calm and excited. The calm seems to come from knowing I can trust this person with everything I am, I don't have to be anyone for them. The excitement seems to come from the potential for growth we have because we both want so much more than who and what we are now.

I know that we have been communicating very well with each other so far. We have been open and honest about our hopes and fears and goals and failures. I haven't had this in other relationships.

This experience has been very unreal for me...and for the other person. It seems like a dream that someone who is so much like me, wants so many of the same things in their life that I want, would come into my life now. How can this be happening?

We have both expressed fear about meeting and not having the "chemistry" we have now. There are things in both of our lives that would hinder a relationship not just between us, but between us and anyone.

We have agreed to slow things down intentionally so we have more time to get to know about each other. I wonder if this is a good choice. I wonder if we weren't put together so we could learn to trust the Universe to give us just what we need when we need it and no more or less. I wonder if I have forced my wants onto this situation so I can get them, and this isn't really as wonderful as it seems.

I wonder if this isn't just a fantasy.