Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Different

I'm in a situation that is very different for me. Well, not just for me. No one I know has been in a situation like this before. Because of that, I have no one I can turn to and say "So how did you deal with this?" I have to make "it" up as I go along, and that is scary for me.

I don't want to hurt anyone or be hurt by anyone. I don't want to make a mistake. I don't want to worry about how what I'm doing looks to other people. I am scared of myself.

Pain is an unfortunate fact of life. As living beings we all experience pain. The question is, will I suffer? Suffering comes when I try to make my life something other than what it really is. When I'm not willing to accept that "It is what it is".

The best I can do for my self and for those around me is to live my life in a way that respects and honors my connection to all things. In that way, if someone else is hurt by my actions, I can honestly say "I did my best". I can not stop them from experiencing pain.

"To err is Human, to forgive divine" but I forget to forgive myself. I too am aloud to make mistakes and deserve to be forgive for them. First I have to give that forgiveness to myself, than I can truly forgive others.

My fear of myself and the fear of what others think of me/ what I'm doing both come from the same place. Somewhere in my head lives a little man who is always whispering in my ear about how I'm not good enough, how I'm a failure, how no one loves me and never will because I'm fat, dumb and ugly. None of this is true. But I keep saying it over and over again, so I start to believe it. If I want to change the way I feel about myself, I have to change the way I think of myself. If repeating the bad stuff has made me believe that, then repeating the good stuff will change the message.

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