Friday, August 29, 2008


My father died on 11.22.07...Thanksgiving day.

He and I had not been close since I was about 13 because of the games that my parents played with each other during their divorce. My sister and I were the ones who suffered for it. I had been my daddy's little girl and the loss that I felt then, never left me. I carry it with me like a weight. So when he died, I was already grieving for him, even though he had been alive.

For 17 years I grieved for a living man.

Two things bring me to a place where I feel the need to write about this now. First, a friend sent me to a blog that was stories from an Ambulance Driver and his experiences with death. The other was a very good friend who very recently lost her brother asking me how I was dealing with the loss of my father.

The first thing was a reminder of how quickly things change. One minute you are going happily along thinking that there is always time "later", the next your looking down at your parent's ashes wondering how you went so wrong. I will never get to have him back. I will never get to thank him for all of the wonderful things that he taught me, the things that made me who I am today. I will never get to tell him that I understood, and I'm sorry...that I love him. There is no later. There is only now.

This is a good thing to remember no matter what is going on in your life. Now is all we have, not forever, or yesterday. All we have to work with is now.

My friend's question made me realize that I haven't, for the most part, been dealing with my father's death at all. Mostly I've been pretending that, someday, I'm going to turn a corner and there he will be, with open arms ready to work on the relationship that I always wanted but never could have. I didn't see him die. I never saw his body. The only "proof" I had of his death is what other people have told me. I'm not a trusting person by nature, but it seems that I have taken this lack of trust to a whole new level with the death of my father...I just can't believe it.

I know that this is one of the stages of grief, but some how I want to deny that I am even grieving. I don't feel strong enough to feel this pain and survive it as a whole person.

I'm not sure where all of this leads to, or what it all means in my life. But I wanted to write it all down while I was thinking about it so later I could look back on it and get what I could from it.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


They say that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder...well I'm the only one beholding myself most days and I don't see any beauty. I see so little beauty in fact that there is a picture that my sister took of me with my niece, and I actually don't recognize that beautiful woman in the picture. Every time I look at I wonder "who is that with my niece, I don't remember seeing her at the park". That's because I didn't...I never do.

How can someone deny themselves so much that they literally can't see themselves?

It isn't just in pictures that this happens. On a couple of occasions, I have listened to other people talk about me, and I'm always surprised when they tell the group that it is me that they are talking about. How can that be?

I know very well what my problems are, and where I can use improvement in my life...maybe it is time that I started to notice the things that are right about me too.

Sunday, August 24, 2008


This little word has been giving me a lot of trouble lately...let me 'splain...nonono, that take too long, let me sum up.

I love lots of people and things in my life. I love my friends, my dog, my bunnies, my car, my lawyer (bet no one ever thought they'd hear that), my partner (when I have one), Mint Newman-O (thanks Yvonne), Sunny day, thunder storms and bonfires on freezing cold nights. But I don't love them the same way.

If someone threw a box of Newman-O off a bridge, I wouldn't care. If someone ran over my dog, I would cry a lot (to the point where I tear up just thinking about it). But I love them why the different reactions.

Okay, so one is a box of cookies and the other is a living being...I get it. Lets try a different one.

I love my friends, and I love my partner. I would hurt a lot if I lost any of them. What is the difference between the two... The difference between "loving" someone and being "in love" with them? I know there is one, I feel it.

This one is harder for me, most of my partners started out as friends first, then became something more. Where as with the people who are my friends, something stopped before we got to the point of partners. It was different for each of them, some weren't attracted to me (hard to believe, but true ;-)), some flat out said they just want to be friends from the start. So there is a line, but what's the line?

Is it lust? Physical attraction? If that's the case, then "romantic love" can only be temporary because our physical beings change so much over our life times. (So do our mental and emotional beings, but for most people it is far less obvious than the physical changes.) Also, what happens if you can't be with your partner for whatever reason...does that mean you love them less because you can't see them or touch them. It hasn't for me.

There are so many different types of love and ways to express them, that I really don't know what someone means when they say "I Love You". That worries me. What if I think they mean one thing, but they really mean something else, or I know what they mean, but they think I mean something else. And how do you ask questions about how they love you without sounding like an ass?

I've been talking to people about this, and I don't seem to be coming any closer to an answer. But at least its out of my head now...maybe someone has some thoughts that will help me.

An associate had this to say about love...I think there is something to it.

"I can not tell you the true meaning of love. No one can. You will only find out when you experience it.
Love can be anything; we love our family, friends, and even strangers who steal our hearts, enters our minds, and fulfill our souls. When we truly love someone, that person becomes the fire in our life. Your 'soul mate' completes you in ways no one else can. You find them to be the most beautiful, funny, talented, most perfect person in the world. You feel incomplete without this person. You fall a sleep thinking about this person and wake up thinking about this person.
Being in love is extremely rare and so is true love. It should be treasured in most safest places. Once you get a hold of it don't ever let it go because if you do, it'll take your happiness with it. When your in love and when you love someone you are your most truest, purest being with them. They become your world and you become theirs. Again, no one can describe this out-of-this-world feeling. You know it when it happens.
You'll come up with your own definition. My definition of love is completion. Your life just begins when you fall in love or that is what it feels like anyway. There is excitement when there is love... even if it brings pain sometimes, you still miss it and its the best feeling in the world.
When you are in love, you would 'die' for the person you love. Why? Because you feel like that person is part of you, and completes you. :)"

I believe I have found that.

Friday, August 22, 2008


We all do stupid things some times. Most of the time I think we do them because we don't really understand what we are doing. If we did, why would we do it?

I have gotten myself involved in something that can't help but turn out bad for everyone. The thing is, I don't know how to get out, or that I even really want to. This time, the moment is so much more important to me than the future, I don't care what happens after right now.

The fact that I don't care bothers me more than my actions do. What does this make me as a person if I don't care about how my actions effect others? If I was the only person who might get hurt from my actions, that would be different, but I'm not. So shouldn't I be making an effort to protect the people around me?

This is an instance where all of my skills and the good things I have learn over the past year are failing me...or I'm failing them :-(

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


Fear is such a strange thing. With the way our society is set up now, the large majority of us rarely have anything to really fear, but we feel it every day. We let it stop us from doing the things that will make us truly happy. We let it make us do things that hurt others. We let it steal our sense of the world around us.

I have found that my fear has more to do with the things that have happened in my past than the things that are happening right now. When I would push someone away, it was usually because of the other people in my life who had hurt me before, not because of the person I was with. When I have been afraid to try some thing new, it has been because I have been told I could never be successful, and I believed it.

I know now that if I fail, it doesn't make me a bad person. If I have been hurt before, it doesn't mean I will be hurt again. I know now that I can make my world into what I want it to be if I can just believe in myself and faces my fears.

Only by replacing those old experiences with new ones can I truly challenge the fears that they have created. I can only have new experiences if I let go of my fears and have the courage to try new things.

Today I will dwell in the moment and draw myself away from thoughts of the past when I find myself letting my fears take the drivers seat. I will do this by connecting with my physical world in any and every way I can, to bring myself back into the moment.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

A day at the range

Ain't I cute ;-)

How do you work this GD thing?

Do I always look that pale?

A girl's best friend

The target wasn't the only thing that got shot.

Thanks for the day Brian!


I'm in a situation that is very different for me. Well, not just for me. No one I know has been in a situation like this before. Because of that, I have no one I can turn to and say "So how did you deal with this?" I have to make "it" up as I go along, and that is scary for me.

I don't want to hurt anyone or be hurt by anyone. I don't want to make a mistake. I don't want to worry about how what I'm doing looks to other people. I am scared of myself.

Pain is an unfortunate fact of life. As living beings we all experience pain. The question is, will I suffer? Suffering comes when I try to make my life something other than what it really is. When I'm not willing to accept that "It is what it is".

The best I can do for my self and for those around me is to live my life in a way that respects and honors my connection to all things. In that way, if someone else is hurt by my actions, I can honestly say "I did my best". I can not stop them from experiencing pain.

"To err is Human, to forgive divine" but I forget to forgive myself. I too am aloud to make mistakes and deserve to be forgive for them. First I have to give that forgiveness to myself, than I can truly forgive others.

My fear of myself and the fear of what others think of me/ what I'm doing both come from the same place. Somewhere in my head lives a little man who is always whispering in my ear about how I'm not good enough, how I'm a failure, how no one loves me and never will because I'm fat, dumb and ugly. None of this is true. But I keep saying it over and over again, so I start to believe it. If I want to change the way I feel about myself, I have to change the way I think of myself. If repeating the bad stuff has made me believe that, then repeating the good stuff will change the message.

Monday, August 18, 2008


Change can be so hard even if it is a good change or a wanted change. So many changes have happened in the last year. I find myself wondering sometimes, who has been living my life behind my back?

And change is scary. Especially if you are changing in ways that you never have before. Trying new things and experimenting with the way you do old ones. You feel unsure and everything seems strange.

I'm learning to deal with the changes in life by being in the moment. Taking a deep breath in through my nose and out through my mouth while saying "Calm" and "Peace". It helps me to re-center and remember that change isn't a bad thing by design, how I react to the change is what makes the difference.

Today I'm going to choose to accept change with an open mind and an open heart.